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The Game of Thrones Book Snob Glossary

Julia

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Updated through Season 7, and co-written by Julia and Kylie.

See also the Season 6 and Season 5 glossaries.

Here at The Fandomentals, we are rather staunch Game of Thrones (GoT)…er…detractors. We know this might come as a shock.

However, this isn’t because we’re disinterested in the genre or have forgotten our inner child. That’s pretty much all we remember. We also are not the types of people who object to the depiction of upsetting material on principle, because there’s times that such things can be done well and have a valuable takeaway for the reader/watcher. Case in point, we are huge, huge fans of A Song of Ice and Fire (aSoIaF), the books this show is supposedly “based on.”

Sadly for us, the showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss (D&D) seem to be bigger fans of their own, Bold™ ideas than the ones George R.R. Martin put on paper, to the point where we came to realize how the show has absolutely nothing to do with the books, so #StopTheConflation.

There’s many ways you can join in on this totally official campaign, such as yelling incoherently at social gatherings when GoT inevitably comes up, or wearing a t-shirt with the text of Septon Meribald’s “broken man speech” printed on the front in size 6 font (or try this one on for size). But we have another way to set the right tone for fandom dialogue—that is, a tone where aSoIaF could absolutely never be confused with its farblunget adaptation—and that’s by creating a new system of terms and character names.

“Jaime Lannister isn’t on the show,” you’ll tell your third cousins at your grandmother’s birthday party. “Jaime Lannister is a nuanced character whose plotline revolves around his struggle with identity and conception of internal vs. external honor as he adjusts to his new disability while subsequently realizing just how damaging his relationship with his sister has been.” (You speak very fast, of course.) “It’s Larry Lannister who’s on the show: the charmingly befuddled knight who doesn’t blink twice at the demolition of an entire religious organization, but a simple lie to a political enemy is just too far!”

See? It’s fool-proof. Or at least it will prevent us from crying onto our copies of A Dance with Dragons as we’re forced to call that creature Indira Varma played, “Ellaria Sand.” So without further ado, Julia and Kylie give you the Book Snob Glossary and all the ironic trademarks money can buy.


General Terms

D&D Logic: There are just so many twists and turns in GoT. And don’t forget the shocks! However, where many a viewer may spend time actually, you know, trying to “figure everything out,” we’re here to explain to you that D&D Logic doesn’t exactly conform to Earth Logic. Suggest a truce to your political adversaries when they pose no threat to you and you have nothing to offer them! Appease your murderous sister with judicial murder! Command your army of the dead to forge giants chains! All D&D Logic requires is the opening thought, “wouldn’t it be cool if…” It’s best just to embrace this.

Dramatic Satisfaction: Dramatic Satisfaction is the feeling we get when we look to the west watch GoT. Our spirits are certainly crying. D&D and their writers Bryan Cogman and Dave Hill work overtime to make sure of it, and boy do they know what the audience loves: gothic horrors! And memes. Thanks!

Plausible Impossibilities: It’s what you, as a storyteller, try to achieve once you realize that you are working on a show that’s doing pretty well, so therefore there’s no incentive to actually put effort into it. People only hate it because they care, and it’s totally better than the horrid impossible plausibilities.

Merch coming plausibily soon

The Off-Screen Zone: A magical plane of existence where everything necessary to drive the plot and/or character development occurs. We promise you it happened, it totally made sense for it to happen, and we don’t understand why you have to be spoon fed everything and insist on seeing it. The Off-Screen Zone is where Sansa, Bran, and Arya bonded and plotted together, and where Deadpan and Jonny fell in love. Cheryl and Eur-off also hang out here a lot as they lay their intense political strategy.

Honeypotting/The Honeypot Phenomenon: As we noted, D&D Logic doesn’t adhere to normal logic, and the Off-Screen Zone is a happening place. That can make watching the show itself quite confusing. Luckily for D&D, their fans are far more intelligent and creative than they are, and willing to think up well thought-out theories in an attempt to make sense of everything. In other words…they’re doing the writers’ jobs.

The most famous example of this, and the titular example for that reason, was that of the “Lannister Honeypot Theory,” where everyone figured that Talisa was such a stupid invention on the part of D&D that there had to be more to her than met the eye. Once she began writing letters in Volantine to her mommy, the theory was that she was really a Lannister spy sent to seduce Robb into breaking his vows; a honeypot trap set by Tywin to enable the Red Wedding to occur.

But no. Like Talisa, the Lannister Honeypot Theory was stabbed repeatedly in 03×09. She was exactly what she appeared: a noblewoman from Volantis who was such an awesome feminist that she would walk around battlefields without a chaperone, sass-talking a king.

It may be tempting to honeypot things along the way such as, “Sansa and Arya are totally playing Littlefinger with this animosity.” Nope. Arya wanted to cut her face off and wear it. “It would make way more sense if a week had passed North of the Wall for the raven to fly to Dragonstone.” Yes, it would makes more sense. And yet it was totally just one night. Would that we had honeypotters actually writing the scripts instead, because then we’d probably have a coherent show.

Weisseroff’s Razor: Weisseroff’s razor is how we know that honeypots are never accurate — they’re far too clever by a half. On GoT, it’s always the most idiotic and straight-forward answer possible. Trust us. Weisseroff’s Razor demands it.

Reverse Honeypotting: Honeypots can sort of be thought of as very intelligent stories or plot-points that D&D didn’t tell. However, a reverse honeypot is when there’s a story that is told, usually due to Unfortunate Implications, that D&D had no fucking clue was on our screens (else maybe some of these implications would have actually had follow-ups). Our favorite example of a Reverse Honeypot is the noble tale of Hizdahr zo Sansa (may he rest in peace), and his completely awesome, Sansa-in-A Clash of Kings-esque, resistance narrative. Our least favorite example of a Reverse Honeypot is where Tommen was a rape victim of Margaery Tyrell, and his suicide was a horrific exploration of why we have statutory laws. There’s many stories in between, too.

The Checklist Effect: Who cares about context, themes, or characterizations? The stuff that happens in a story can be viewed as a discrete set of plot-points to tick off. And those who do successfully tick them off are therefore great adaptors living at the spirit of the original author! We can point to things in the past like Jon’s death or the existence of Arthur Dayne, but now that we’re beyond the books (in many ways) it becomes hard to to parse out what is a checkbox in the first place. Jonny’s parents are Rhaegar and Lyanna? Well let’s tick that one off by having an expo-dump over a sex scene. We can’t wait to get our copies of The Winds of Winter and see just how well these masters of drama adapted some discrete plot points.

Plot Theory of Relativity: In any frame of reference, time will progress exactly as fast as plot demands. No more, no less. This includes the flying speed of ravens and the running speed of Gendrys.

Empowered™ Women: In Weisseroff, women are strong in the D&D way. They can, for example, become a Total Badass™, who is either an awesome warrior or just a chick getting high off of violence. There’s nothing more empowering, and reasonable, than slaying all those awful dudes. That’s what feminism is. Bonus points for mocking the “feminine” traits of others. Who needs to knit socks? The other way is to be a super sexy manipulator. Even more bonus points if you use your wiles to manipulate a child. There are no other options, unless you are a very rare-breed of time-traveling feminist field nurse.

Real Men™: In Weisseroff, men are Strong™. They kill men. They have sex. They win over a boat-full of their countrymen for stupid missions by beating people to death. They never show weakness, or fear. It’s almost as though all they do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck. Oh wait…

Hot Potato: D&D’s favorite game! Let’s set up plotlines and forget about them! Or at least for a few seasons, until they run out of things to do and want to pick them back up again! What happened to half of Stannis’s army that just fucked off at the end of autumn in the heart of the North? Wait, what’s Gendry doing here? Who’s ruling Porne now? Where do Edmures go?

Subtle Pie: D&D don’t care much for humble pie, but boy are they skilled at the art of subtlety. Could there possibly be DRAGONGLASS on DRAGONSTONE? However can we gently clue the audience in on Jonny’s parentage? However can we gently clue the audience in on Jonny’s parentage…AGAIN? Where are Walder Frey’s missing sons? *wink*

Shocking™ Moments: Even though subtlety is great, sometimes D&D don’t want the sneaky audience to see their big moments coming. Therefore, they keep everyone guessing by having characters pull random 180°’s that make us gasp. We did not see that coming! Because we could not see that coming. Because you literally presented the opposite situation to us and then just randomly flipped it. Wow. Give them all the Emmys.

The Key Jingling Effect: Hey guys, wouldn’t it be awesome if we had an ICE DRAGON made of CGI? What a stunning shot of Larry charging towards a dragon? A bonus to all this SUPER AWESOMENESS is that just like jingling keys in front of a baby, it will make the audience forget about all of the offensive or illogical bullshit you’ve pulled on them, and they will decide that you are the best writers ever. Well…usually, at least.

The 600 Masks Effect/Shiny Shiny: News flash, GoT has a ginormous budget. Great things can be done with the amount of money they have at their disposal. Like the famous 600 unique masks in the Hall of Faces in Season 5. Unfortunately, some of the budget allocation decisions made are… questionable. For instance, as awe-inspiring as that Beauty and the Beast library was for Sam, why did it even exist when his plotline was somehow less significant than a beer fart? We can question the value of an ice dragon at the cost of all logic as well, but hey. That might just be D&D Logic at its fullest effect.

Outside the Episodes: Because of all the characters who “earned it off-screen,” there are times that D&D must provide interviews that help explain what they just wrote. These “Outside the Episode” specials are particularly insightful. Did you know Arya saying “that’s not you” to Nymeria (and making half the fandom think it, in fact, wasn’t her) was just a fun season 1 callback? Or that the Plot Convenience Pond during the wight trip was a result of them writing the plotline backwards? Or that Deadpan burning people alive is her being a rational actor? Neither did we, but thank the Seven we have the Outside the Episodes to tell us.

Steve the Intern: Poor Steve. After finding out that his doctorate in Comparative Literature with an emphasis on Folklore and Mythology was worth little to employers, he was thrilled to get an unpaid internship in the Game of Thrones writers’ room, because such is the state of our world. But things quickly went south for poor Steve. He was told to produce a three page summary of A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons, which he managed by using size 8 font, but he’s quite sure D&D didn’t even read that. He spends most of this time trying to explain to Dave Hill what a literary theme is, but he just gets blank looks in return.

Locations

Weisseroff: A magical place with size and population fluctuations according to the needs of the episode. Patriarchy doesn’t exist in Weisseroff, except when it does for a woman to be raped, or when Walder Frey needs a new child bride. Sometimes Weisseroff is a loose collection of feudal holdings, and sometimes it’s a Nation State that people can be citizens of and feel loyalty towards. There’s also a bullet train system or something that runs off the power of the Plot Relatively Field. Also everyone is terrible to each other and everything sucks.

Winterhell: Winterhell is a castle that once resembled Winterfell, the castle where the Stark family happily lived and ruled. However in Winterhell, all the Starks randomly hate each other (except when they don’t) and will gleefully bring up each other’s traumas to freak their siblings out (except if they’ve worked through everything off-screen). The Northern Lords get incredibly confused at Winterhell from all the Stark fighting and agree with whoever speaks last and loudest. But hey, at least they got the castle back from those jerk Boltons!

“Wait, who’s our leader again?”

The Riverblands: Oh look, these exist again. Wait…no. No they don’t. The riverblands are in a pocket dimension of Weisseroff that can be warped in and out of from anywhere at will. Apparently, J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Shire was situated in one small area of the riverblands, where winter is far away, and Hot Pie and Ed Sheeran were quite content. But now that every single Frey has been murdered, this geographical region may as well not exist. Again.

Riverroundabout: The ancestral home of the Tullys where Edmure may or may not be hanging out alive in, and which may or may not ever be mentioned again.

Carol’s Landing: Carol’s Landing is where Carol lives.

Cheryl’s Landing: Cheryl’s Landing is where Cheryl lives. And rules.

Casterly Castle: Casterly Castle is the ancestral home of the Lannisters, which didn’t have a sewage system until Tyrion created one fifteen years ago. Tywin built this stronghold from the ground up, probably from a Build A Generic Castle Lego set 6085-1. Though that silly forgot to put a moat in! What an impregnable fortress.

The Abandoned Isle of Sexual Tension: This island, just east of Cheryl’s Landing, is so unimportant that no one bothered to guard it. Or live there. However, when Deadpan returned to claim this ancestral seat of her house, the doors had luckily been left unlocked. Now she’s able to have her boyfriend over for some sexy eye-fucking as she sits atop her geologically significant throne. At some point, Children of the Forest doodled some stick figures in the mines full of DRAGONGLASS. These are very scary stick figures that can convince political rulers to shift their entire plans, so proceed with caution.

The Plot Convenience Pond: North of the Wall strange things can happen. Like little dinky islands willing themselves into existence in the middle of little dinky ponds. At the Plot Convenience Pond, time passes based on emotion experience, so that a group can experience just one night, while the rest of the continent experiences what must be weeks. The Plot Convenience Pond also has a very specific freezing temperature based entirely on narrative requirements. When main characters fall in, it conveniently heats up to prevent hypothermia. We suppose.

Olenna’s Cottage: Our Dowager Sasstress has the finest house in all of Weisseroff, but an army who can’t fight because they like flowers, making it the worst defensive stronghold. If only they grew grapes instead maybe those Lannister forces would have slipped on the steps. At least the cottage has the right ambiance for heart-to-hearts.

Oldtown State: Give us a C! Give us an I! Give us a T! Give us ADEL! The fightin’ white ravens offer the best in higher education. Their Maester College is particularly renowned, with its aspiring scholars sharpening their most important skills: emptying chamber pots, slopping soup, and cleaning up after other people’s science experiments. The professors at Oldtown State are second-to-none. These old skeptics are so genre-savvy that they know exactly what plot-relevant books to hide in the restricted section of the library, right next to their copy of Moste Potente Potions.

A novice.

Horn Faire: The Horn Faire is such fun to attend! It’s where empowered women assert their Empowerment™. Like Tiffany Tarly, who is probably now ruling The Reach with her imaginary sisters and extra bedrooms.

Porne: Porne is a small area shaped like the birthmark on a man’s ass that consists of the Water Gardens and some desert. It was conceived when someone involved in the production asked their racist grandmother from 1880 what “the orient” was like. There are three things the Pornish do: have sex, kill and/or mutilate people with little or no reason (bonus points for family members), and talk with a goofy accent. We’re actually not sure who’s running Porne right now, since their maybe-Princess Faullaria…Sand? Uller? is mostly dead. But she had ten thousand brothers and sisters, so we shouldn’t be too worried.

Simplified Bay of Dragons: Remember that entire region that Deadpan Cardborn invaded and ruled, and then fucked off from, leaving it in the hands of her unqualified sellsword boyfriend? We’re sure Faabio Naharis is keeping things running well! Also, somewhere in the area are the now-super empowered Dosh Khaleen, who had their patriarchy burned to the ground. Wait…why are they still stuck in Vaes Dothrak?

People

GoT is rather known for its sprawling cast, so as a result, we have subdivided this section by character locations in Season 7. More or less. There was a lot of teleporting, but we did what we could.

Very Northern Theater

Shogun: The Lord of the White Walkers. This guy can raise the dead, is great with babies, and looks damn stylin’ in his samurai armor. He’s also able to train wights how to swim and forge metal. He got himself a sweet Icebound Frostbrood Vanquisher to ride, so take his loot seriously, please.

Skyr: Skyr is an industrious troop leader who even lets lost boy scouts follow him. He’s a father of about fifteen.

“Are we there yet, Dad?”

Benjen Coldhands: OMG it’s Benjen! We’ve seen him before, you guys! He can kill skeletons and tell stories about himself! Why D&D opted to adapt the one fan-theory that Martin has staunchly rejected is beyond us, but I guess they just know about Dramatically Satisfying media more. Aaaand he’s gone.

Beardy: We don’t know who this Icelandic fellow with an impressive beard is, or why people are calling him “Tormund.” As far as we can tell, he has no personality traits whatsoever, with the exception of intense homophobia. It’s okay Beardy, we get it. You’re not gay. You don’t have to beat anyone to death or creep on any women that are clearly disinterested in you to prove it. Calm it down. It’s pussy for you.

The Brotherhood with Vague Continuity: Formerly the “Brotherhood Without Continuity,” these merry men finally managed to be in two seasons in a row, and with same motivation: going north. Horray! They’re great for rounding out any RPG group with their priest and paladin.

The Canine: This jolly companion of the Brotherhood without Continuity is good at digging graves and seeing incredibly detailed preview footage of Episode 6 in a fire. We’re sure there’s significance to this because of his scar, and because we were told there was. Unfortunately, whatever this significance is hasn’t manifested in any sort of character development, since he still fixates on killing his brother, just like in Season 1. Bad doggie!

Vincent Expendable: Poor guy, you barely beamed up North before you were cruelly taken from this world. If only you had been given one line of dialogue.

But he’s doing his best, so that’s what counts.

Winterhell

BranBot 1000: This cyborg is basically a sitting CCTV department who will let anyone watch his screens if they ask nicely. However, robots cannot love, and it’s very sad for all of us, especially Meera. Robots also cannot understand human trauma and will accidentally freak out their siblings by recounting their histories at inappropriate times.

The Three Eyed Raven: It’s difficult to explain.

Brittany Stark: Sansa fans rejoice! D&D have finally settled on a character for Sophie Turner to play, and it’s Brittany, bitch! She is awesome and the only one who knows how to do literally anything. From making breastplates to screening visitors to making all the socks that Lyanna Mormont is too empowered to sew, Brittany proves herself as the only person who should be trusted to make the slightest decision. That includes her dumbass half-brother, who was such a present King in the North that he’s not even in this section of the glossary.

Sadly, the world isn’t ready for Brittany’s empowerment, and she still gets blamed for shit she did years ago while under duress. This also makes her disloyal and exactly like Cheryl.

“Am I the only fucking person who’s lived in this climate before?”

Arya Todd: Attend the tale of Arya Todd. She learned to assail from abroad. She stole the faces of noblemen, who never thereafter were heard from again. She trod a path that few have trod…did Arya Todd. The Empowered™ assassin of the Starks.

She made her home in Winterhell. She kept skins in bags to hide their smell. And what if Sansa displayed competency? She’d expose her “crimes” for all Lords to see. For family warmth she deserves a nod…does Arya Todd. The Empowered™ assassin of the Starks.

Swing your Needle wide, Arya! Swing it to the skies! Freely flows the blood of foes, except Ed Sheeran!

Lyanna, the Littlest Feminist: Lyanna Mormont knows what’s dumb! Sewing! Also anything vaguely feminine and/or pragmatic. This awesome training-bra-burner understands how everyone should be soldiers consuming resources, and nobody should produce anything because that’s for stupid girls. This makes her very feminist. Every time she speaks, everyone agrees with her right away, because of the girth of her empowerment.

The Wind-Vane Lords: You might think the Northern Lords have convictions, since the Northern Lords are super duper loyal, and at one point we were told “the North Remembers.” But nope. These wind-vane lords just agree with whoever spoke last. When their king has left for more than 24 hours, they want to support whoever is there instead.

“We like you for now!”

Batfinger: Batfinger is a mysterious man. He has a voice like the Marlboro Man and an accent that…morphs on a sliding scale between Lucky the Leprechaun and Captain Barbosa. As of Season 7, his teleporter was stolen, which means that he gets stuck against his Wall Spot of Sneaking. He creates chaos because chaos is a ladder, but he also has a vision board of marrying Brittany and sitting the Iron Throne. The best way to do this is to make her not like her sister, for reasons. In the end though, Batfinger felt what it was to be a GoT viewer, when a random bait-and-switch was his undoing. Let’s hope he found that shock dramatically satisfying.

Brienne the Brute: She added so much. Also she’s not overly concerned with honor. That sounds right!

Pod the Rod: It’s very important that all viewers of GoT understand that Pod has a magical cock. Everyone wants to suck it, and we need to have this crucial point come up at least once a season. Do your part and spread awareness of Pod. And his penis. Which is magical.

Jonny, King in the North: See entry in Abandoned Isle of Sexual Tension section, as he only spent a weekend here.

Abandoned Isle of Sexual Tension

Deadpan Card-born: Technically, her full name is “Deadpan Card-born, the Unemotional, Queen of Simplified Bay, Queen of the Anachronisms and the Clichéd, Khaleesi of Faux-Empowerment, Breaker of Suspended Disbelief, and part-time Mother of Dragons.” And boy is she Empowered™! Look how dignified and confident she is! Watch as she talks about breaking the wheel for the umpteenth time without once changing her expression! Watch her stand in the background and nod as men explain her plans to her! Now, Deadpan might be a bit crazy—those darn women, amirite?—but she’s not like, Cheryl crazy. You see, she has the redeeming quality of listening to Saint Tyrion. Now that’s what we call empowerment!

Jonny Cardboard: Jonny Cardboard is a king now! And only kings can talk to Khaleesis. Except everyone else who does. So that totally justifies why this unproblematic action hero abandoned his kingdom two days after getting the gig, so he could march his face into yet another trap that he was warned about by his much smarter sister. Don’t worry though: this mouth-breather extraordinaire never tells lies ever. He’s like George Washington! Or maybe the cherry tree with that wooden acting. Either way, his staunch commitment to idiocy and always revealing his hand (apparently) makes us totally understand why people follow him, and why we should be excited that he’s secretly the RIGHTFUL HEIR OF WEISSEROFF. Here’s hoping no one’s trying to break the wheel or claiming that throne could get awkward.

Oh yeah, he was also dead for half a second, though since he doesn’t seem to care about it, we’re not sure why we should either.

#BoatSex: The official shipname of Jonny and Deadpan. When has your auntie/nephew combo ever? These two have such crackling sexual chemistry that everyone around them ships this, just in case the audience missed it. We have a sneaking suspicion that it’s so well-written, D&D actually got help from their buddy George Lucas.

Saint Tyrion: Saint Tyrion is the unproblematic fave who can do no wrong, even when he does wrong and it’s there for all to see on the screen. He totally respects the personhood of sex workers and the contribution they make to the economy! Because #notallmen! He’s also mad sorry that he killed his father. He had no choice! However, Saint Tyrion lately has been in a bind. You see, there’s an out-of-control woman, and only he can save the day by explaining how to use her dragons more. It’s so stressful for him to be the emotional core of this administration. Let’s not even touch his unrequited love for her, that was 100% in evidence.

Varys Marx: Smallfolk of the World Unite! Varys Marx is some random eunuch from Lys who is REALLY into fiscal responsibility and kissing Saint Tyrion’s ass. He’s so committed to good governance that, after meeting Illyrio Mopatis in a “Robert Totes Sucks Club” meeting, he and his “colleague” decided that Viserys Targaryen was the way to go and that a plan to invade Westeros with an army of rapists who are afraid of water would totally work. And now Deadpan is the way to go, because she’s so good at listening to Saint Tyrion. You see, it’s always been about the good of realm for him, and she can respect that, just like we’re sure Viserys would have. Varys Marx is really glad he doesn’t have “debts of affection,” or a backstory or anything like that to complicate matters.

MissWorm: The ship name for Missandei and Grey Worm, a touching and genuine romance that we suspect was written by Ronald D. Moore.

Meli-sans-bra: This red priestess once had a great time flashing her boobs every chance she got, but ever since the reveal that she’s OLD, they’re staying firmly in her robes. Instead, her hobbies now include shipping Deadpan, staring sadly off into the middle-distance, and fucking off when the writers can’t come up with anything for her to do. Fear not though: she will die in Weisseroff, so we’re sure to see her again. That’s some pretty deft foreshadowing.

Ironboor: The inhabitants of the Iron Islands have a deep and rich culture, which includes tending their lush forests and following the men who speak about their genitals. In fact, genitalia figures very prominently into their leadership selection process, so long as what’s between their legs can be turned into a fighting strength.

Yara, the Swashbuckling Lesibian Bisexual: Finally, the positive representation we’ve been waiting for.

Princess Faullaria Sand (or maybe Uller?): Showberyn’s beloved paramour, Faullaria Sand hates timid sex and loves the torturing of small children in the name of revenge. In fact, her defining feature may be her love of revenge. She loves it so much that she will murder Showberyn’s whole family and name herself the Princess of Porne (maybe?), because that’s what he would have wanted. It worked out so well for her. We’d say that this was intricate commentary on the futility of revenge, except her downfall was someone else’s revenge. It’s clearly too deep for us to comprehend.

The Sand Fakes: Who are these three women? And which one is which? Whatever, they’ve been meditating about it a lot and decided that for a change of pace, they want revenge. FOR SHOWBERYN! The Fakes have quirky, individualized weapons and the inability to be nice to one another. They’re very useful at being an object lesson of “hoisted by your own petard.” So significant.

Yeah, us too Tyene.

Snake-Fu: A unique style of fighting practiced only in Porne that includes futile spinning, futile spinning of weapons, and futile mincing steps. All weapons must be dipped with boner-activated poisons. Snake-Fu is dizzying, yet deadly, and can drop a dude twice your size with a single small blade to the back. If you reach an especially high level, then you get to learn the ultimate skill: double sword spinning! However, it is a Snake-Fu rule that eventually, you will fall to your own weapon. #poetry

Cheryl’s Landing

Carol Lannister: Carol is a relatable, struggling super-mom. She is a devoted mother to her kids Chase, Madison, and TomTom. And a victim. She lost a baby and sympathizes with Cat Stark about it. But then she also lives her life believing a prophecy that her first baby should have negated. She almost had to poison her son to prevent him from being harmed more. And now… she tried to protect her kids and rule wisely and well, but the patriarchy was just too much for her. But being slut-shamed by fanatics won’t stop our Unproblematic Fave from trying her best to do her job. Even if the cool kids all leave the table when she sits down, or her uncle banishes her to the gallery, or her son changes the law to screw her over. Poor Carol!

Cheryl Lannister: When you push a super-mom too far… She randomly morphs into a mass murderer in metal shoulder pads. Cheryl likes wine, blowing things up, torturing enemies, and she knows a cardigan is a great alternative to a blazer in a business casual environment. She’s an entirely reasonable actor given the political nightmare she’s found herself in, but everyone around her believes that she’s horrible and insane, which we’re sure has nothing to do with that thing that starts with “s” and ends in “exism.” Luckily for Cheryl, the smallfolk are okay with her, since she’s freed them from superstition. What a classic!

Larry Lannister: Larry Lannister is a charmingly befuddled knight. The second-oldest Lannister deserves our pity, because he seems to operate in a continual state of confusion. He’s lucky that he has his long-term girlfriend, Cheryl, to patiently explain everything for him. Larry loves Cheryl, but he’s beginning to think she’s a little bit problematic. Not because she blew up the entire religious institution of Cheryl’s Landing, or that she gets sexually turned on by violence…those are normal bumps in the road. But one time Cheryl lied to Jonny Cardboard, her political adversary. Unforgivable.

The Cherry Bomb: This fetus from the OTP (Cheryl+Larry=Cherry) added so much to the show! Such as…granting its mother anachronistic knowledge of fetal alcohol syndrome. We await the Cherry Bomb with baited breath, and hope for a future where they can marry the #BoatSex spawn.

The Bro-nns: Larry goes nowhere without his best bud, Bronn, and together, they bro it up all over Weisseroff. Bronn, however, is hopelessly in love with Larry. He tries to put on the face of a hardened mercenary, but he just can’t seem to quit him! Maybe penis jokes will throw Larry off the scent.

Dickon Tarly Redux: Dickon? Dick-on. Hee hee hee.

Dowager Sasstress: Poor Carol may have to deal with the patriarchy, but if you’re sassy, like our beloved Dowager Sasstress, then you get to suddenly be the head of the House you married into, as well as the Lord Paramount of the Reach. (Or something.) The Dowager Sasstress is dead now, but her sassy ways will live on and empower us all. #BeADragon

Eurovision: This big bad, who totally makes Ramsay Sue look like a little kid, is running late for a My Chemical Romance concert. However, he has the power of ~illusions~ on his side, and an armada that can magically teleport wherever the plot needs it to. He may have a different personality every episode, but that’s because “All of the psychopaths I’ve met in my lifetime have multiple personalities”. We’re not sure why he does anything at all, but that’s just part of the ~mystery~. Except for potentially having anal sex with Cheryl, which would totally compel anyone to attack Unsullied at Casterly Castle. We’d go on, but he spent the night dancing and is drunk, we suppose. If it looks like he’s laughing, he’s really just asking to leave.

Oldtown State

Showboating Sam: Showboating Sam was so happy to finally achieve his dream of arriving at the improbably giant library in Oldtown State, but college life isn’t all that he expected it to be. First he has to clean up poop, then those stodgy old maesters won’t let him into the restricted section! But after curing Greyscale Jorah of an incurable disease, (re)discovering how to save the world from Ice Demons, and having his girlfriend stumble upon a political bombshell about his best bud, he decides that this is lame and he should take his father’s advice, drop out, and go be the Real Man™ we all know he is.

Gilly in a Corner: Gilly’s still here, we guess. This once-assertive dame still likes to read. We guess that’s what she does all day while her boyfriend is in class. They belong together, after all, so there’s no way she only exists for him to vent his own frustrations at.

The Amazing Expandable Baby: While originally it seemed like good ol’ Sam-Sam Parr had been shrinking given his perpetual infanthood while Madison Lannister wasted away for years in Porne, it’s now clear that there was no problem at all! Gilly’s son simply has the magical ability to grow and shrink at will. Watch him be suddenly big enough to laugh at Sam’s emotional breakdown. Don’t worry though, he’ll never get too old to actually need characterization or lines. That’d be really inconvenient.

Ser Hilariously Friend-zoned/Greyscale Jorah: We had concerns that Jorah would no longer be hilariously friend-zoned ever since he became infected with the plague. However, as everyone who reads secret Maester books knows, the key to curing yourself of a disease so deadly that the nobility sent their infected family members off to a colony to die is simply proper exfoliation. Once Showboating Sam had him all sparkling new, Jorah was ready to once again be hilariously friend-zoned. Though he seems oddly fine with it now. Yes. It is his lot in life and this is very romantic.

Maester Slughorn: Maester Slughorn doesn’t know anything about White Walkers, and he wouldn’t tell you even if he did! His pedagogical practices could use a bit of honing, but damn if he can’t spot an alcoholic’s liver.

Prince Ragger: Ragger’s favorite A Song of Ice and Fire character is Viserys Targaryen, and he makes sure to always cosplay as Harry Lloyd’s interpretation of him, even during his wedding. Ragger is very by-the-book, making sure to legally annul his marriage to the mother of two of his children/future heirs to the Iron Throne in a procedure that only one person knew about. That totally covers his ass so that he can marry Liability Stark for love in the middle of a civil war while his family slaughters hers. It’s LOVE.

Ragger loved his Lady Liability and went with snappy casual for their ceremony.

Lady Liability Stark: We know oh-so-much about Lady Liability. She rides horses and was nice to a young Hodor. She’s totally developed and not at all just a pretty vehicle for Jonny’s Pop Secret Audience Surprise! Who wouldn’t fuck over their wife and the entire line of succession for her?

A Jon: Ragger’s favorite name in the whole wide world is Jon, so much so that he’s tried to have not one, but two sons named this. However, every time he suggests it to his baby mama(s), he phrases it as, “he’s a Jon to me!”, which hilariously keeps being misheard as “Aegon.” Why else would this name be repeated? In a twist of dramatic irony, Ned, by trying to distance Liability’s baby from his ~secret Targaryen identity~, ended up giving Jon the name Ragger always intended.


There you have it, the official Book Snob Glossary. May you be strong like our patron saint Book Snob Shireen, and never cease to evoke these terms in your quest to stop the conflation of A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones. If you’re lucky, you might even get to explain to someone what a literary theme is.


Images courtesy of HBO

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Analysis

The Best DreamWorks Princess

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The recent release of the trailer for a highly anticipated animated sequel has me thinking about princesses. One in particular. This one:

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, DreamWorks Animation’s best princess. I’m sorry Princess Fiona, but Hiccup takes this title handily. Alright, I can hear the argument already. He can’t be a princess because Berk is a chiefdom where the position isn’t strictly hereditary. Being the son of the chief doesn’t make him royalty.

He’s not a literal princess, no. But Hiccup does fall squarely into an archetype of the dutiful princess. His character arcs throughout the movies, shorts, television and streaming series takes him through almost every possible hardship a dutiful princess can go through.

The dutiful princess is a character trope we like to discuss on occasion here on the Fandomentals. A dutiful princess is someone who holds a position of power or at least holds a level agency that places them in a leadership akin role. Standard symptoms of the dutiful princess include, but are not limited to, the feeling of not living up to expectations, a complicated relationship to one’s greater role in society and the ever classic, family drama.

Not living up to expectation could be the defining statement of Hiccup’s character arc in both movies, but especially in the first one. Hiccup is introduced as the quirky outsider who’s not like everybody else. He’s small, thin and lanky, surrounded by the toned, full-figured, battle harden people of his tribe. Almost every adult dwarfs him, especially his father whose name, Stoick the Vast, is no irony.

Just being a Viking of Berk comes with the expectation one should be a natural dragon killer. But that’s only the beginning of the expectations placed on Hiccup. Not only is his father the paragon of what a Viking should be physically but Stoick is the chief of Berk. He fearlessly fights dragons barehanded and performs exuberant acts of strength like it’s a mild workout. Stoick’s strength inspires the people of Berk and, in turn, they trust his judgement enough to follow him into the heart of the dragons’ nest.

How to Train Your Dragon does two interesting things with Hiccup’s response to the expectations placed on him. Firstly, Hiccup’s initial efforts to close the gap between his current-self and his expected-self aren’t done through physical pursuits.  Hiccup, all too aware of the physical differences between himself and the typical Viking takes another route that plays to his strengths. He uses his ingenuity and engineering skills to construct a device that will do the heavy lifting for him. It works too, even if no one is aware of it. Hiccup’s actions here are a realistic effort for him to achieve those expectations, even if he’s not perfectly embodying them. He tries to bridge their expectations on his terms, exactly what a dutiful princess would do.

The second-way Hiccup is forced to confront the expectations placed upon him happens after he’s begun to reach them. As Hiccup learns more about dragons through his interactions with Toothless, he becomes more proficient in dealing with dragons in the ring. When the others in Berk see this they react is a pleasant surprise yet an overall acceptance of his newfound dragon conquering abilities. He’s finally the star of the village and has his father’s acceptance and attention. But he’s gained all of this by befriending a dragon, the antithesis of being a Viking.

The climax of his character arc in How to Train Your Dragon comes to a head when he must choose between living up to expectations that have followed him his whole life and the newfound responsibility he feels for Toothless and all dragons. Ultimately he chooses against the expectations of being a dragon killer. It’s a decision that, when he makes it, he has no way knowing the personal cost. But, as any dutiful princess would, he makes the decision anyway, believing it to be the right one. In doing so he changes three hundred years of violence and ushers in a new chapter of life in Berk.

Turns out ending the conflict between humans and dragons earns one the favour of the whole village. In the five year gap between How to Train Your Dragon 1 and 2 Hiccup’s become the ‘pride of berk’. He’s also Stoick’s choice to succeed him as chief. Hiccup doesn’t believe he’s ready for the job. But it’s not because he thinks he’ll be a poor leader. In fact, he naturally assumes the role of leader when the dragon riders are formed. There are eight seasons worth of content (DreamWorks Dragons) where Hiccup proves his leadership abilities time and time again. His hesitation to become the chief stems from Hiccup not seeing himself being able to become as great as his father. Yet that hesitation doesn’t stop him from wanting to protect everyone.

When rumours of a dragon army being lead by the ruthless Drago Bludvist reach Berk, like a true dutiful princess, he tries to rushes off to keep the peace which naturally means he only incites conflict. His actions not only cause Drago to turn his full attention to attacking him but amongst the conflict, Stoick dies saving Hiccup.

Hiccup’s relationship to the chiefdom is tied intrinsically to his relationship with his family and his self-perception. He spends most of his life trying to live up to his father’s expectations. Then just when he gains Stoick’s respect he has to come to terms with becoming chief. Not to mention at roughly the same time he learns mother who he thought was dead is actually alive. She shares his natural affinity for dragons which is good. But she also chose to not return to Berk, which is… confusing. Then, just as his family is reunited, he loses his father when Stoick dies protecting Hiccup. That day gave Hiccup a lot to process.

Mother dearest

Hiccup’s relationship with his parents also mirror the aspects within himself he feels at odds with. The Viking chief who needs to protect his people and the dragon rider who wants to protect the dragons. He isn’t just a dutiful princess to his people, he’s one to the dragons as well. Both Stoick and his mother, Valka, echo similar sentiments, ‘We protect our own’. Hiccup takes this one step further, ‘the Alpha protects them all’. With Toothless at his side, that’s exactly what he promises to do.

It’s not all tough decisions and parent drama in Hiccup’s life though. There is one area where Hiccup breaks the usual trials of the dutiful princess. In his love life. He manages, somehow, to maintain a healthy relationship that survives years and all the hardships he faces.

But the hardships aren’t over for our dutiful princess chief.  The trailer for the third installment of the movies, How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World show him still making the difficult choices to protect all of his tribe, Viking and dragon alike. With his sights set high to change the world, he doesn’t have an easy road ahead. But he isn’t alone. He stands with the support of his mother, Astrid, his friends and, of course, his dragon.


Images courtesy of DreamWorks Animation

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Analysis

Waiting for Katoh: Romancing the Iron Bull in Dragon Age

Angela D. Mitchell

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When it comes to romance and Dragon Age, The Iron Bull's in a league of his own.

Inquisitor: It’s a little unnerving that you have this down to a system.
The Iron Bull: Systems are comfortable. And my goal is for you to get… very comfortable.

Spoiler Warning for Dragon Age: Inquisition

NOTE—CONTENT AND POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING: This post includes some respectful yet candid, open and potentially NSFW discussion of The Iron Bull’s DAI romance (and its BDSM elements). Please proceed with caution and full awareness.

Once upon a time, I’d been dreaming of romancing a prince in a videogame. Then I played Dragon Age: Inquisition and stumbled across The Iron Bull.

He was everything I hadn’t wanted. And he was perfect: funny, brilliant, sensual, and caring. I fell flat and (thinking I was on my way to an adorable Beauty and the Beast-style romance for Bull and my little blonde Inquisitor) instantly decided that he would be mine.

Pretty soon I began to realize, however, that this romance was not going to be as easy as I’d expected. Despite his purported availability and enthusiasm, Bull didn’t show much interest in my Inquisitor’s charms at all, and had instead spent dozens of hours in-game smilingly ignoring her efforts. Months, in game-time. Months. My poor Inquisitor was not a happy camper. (Please note that I’ll be generally referring to the Inquisitor as “she” throughout this piece since I’m discussing my own playthrough, but of course as Bull is pansexual, the Inky can be any gender preference the player chooses.)

At first, I hadn’t found Bull attractive—he was intimidating, this big, hulking guy who just wasn’t my type at all. But then, as I described, I started to realize what a fantastic and complex character he was, and soon I was gazing at Bull with glowy pink hearts in my eyes, just like pretty much everyone else in Thedas:

Cole: The Iron Bull, a woman in the last village wanted you to pick her up and take her clothes off.
Iron Bull: Most people do.
Cole: In her mind, you were very big.
Iron Bull: Well, that’s flattering.

But meanwhile, I wasn’t getting anywhere, and my poor Inquisitor’s flirts weren’t seeming to have any effect at all. Then, although I was trying to avoid spoilers, I saw a comment that eventually Bull would show up in the Inquisitor’s quarters when his approval was high enough. So (hilariously) in between flirts, my poor Inquisitor started running back up to her room to see if Bull would show up there. (Just in case you thought this couldn’t get anymore embarrassing…)

But my Inky kept flirting, determined to win Bull’s heart. And then he finally showed up in my Inquisitor’s quarters, and everything changed. And I basically fell out of my chair at the options he presented, because they were a hell of a lot more eyebrow-raising than “So, hey, I got you a rose.”

This was not at all the fairytale I thought I had been pursuing… but it was fantastic writing from Bull’s writer (fantasy novelist Patrick Weekes). And beautifully character-appropriate.

“Last Chance”

First off, the reality: when it comes to romance, Bull’s in a league of his own. I mean, let’s be honest—a few frilly words with Solas and Cullen and you’re making out on the rooftops.

But as I mentioned, Bull’s different. There’s no reaction at all. (I always picture him reacting with faint amusement, like, “Nice try, Boss…”) Until, one day, finally, there’s a reaction. The day arrives, when you’ve made so many overtures that Bull himself couldn’t fail to acknowledge the signals. Victory is yours, on the night Bull shows up in your quarters out of the blue, and he finally makes his move.

But he’s got a proposition for you. And it’s a doozy. He’s not just propositioning you for sex, he’s asking you to enter a world that may scare or intimidate you just a little.

And just like that, BDSM entered the world of mainstream gaming.

Bull’s got a proposition for you. And it’s a doozy.

Terms and Conditions

When Bull finally takes action, it’s fascinating, because from a character and story perspective, he’s risking everything on a very specific moment. If Dragon Age: Inquisition were an actual novel (and not the playable novel I believe it actually is), I’d be fascinated to know exactly what caused Bull to go, “Okay. It’s time.” Was there a specific flirtatious moment? Or was there an outside cause? It would be interesting, for instance, to headcanon a message from the Qun, or even a proactive decision when he recognizes interest in the Inquisitor from a potential rival.

Either way, Bull shows up, and makes his play. If he succeeds, everything’s changed. If he fails, it would be interesting to wonder what his backup strategy might be… if he’s Qun-loyal, does he then coldly seek out Dorian, for instance? Or is he content to continue to prove himself simply as a captain and companion?

But… on the other hand, this is Bull we’re talking about. He knows human nature like nobody else (humans, elves, dwarves, everyone, etc.). He reads signals and micro-signals. He understands how people are wired. Then he acts. And it’s interesting that when he does, he’s continuing his previous “playing it cool” approach—he’s still holding himself back a bit, a little removed and detached.

Most of all, he’s still playing games. Only this time, he wants you to play, too.

I mean, let’s face it, Bull could’ve taken my Inquisitor up on her flirtations, offered her a jolly night in the sack, and he’d have probably been pretty safe doing so. She would’ve been perfectly happy with this, too, on some level—we already know, from hearsay, that such nights with Bull are perfectly satisfying and that he certainly appears to make sure everyone goes home happy. But as with most situations for Bull, he’s thought this through, and he’s determined that there’s only one specific outcome that works.

And he’s quite aware that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Perhaps no other character’s romance is as careful about consent as Bull’s, and your character can say no to Bull’s flirtation with zero hard feelings on either side. Spy or not, secret agenda or not, he’s genial and kind in response:

Iron Bull: …I’m not sure you know what you’re asking.  Not sure if you’re ready for it. 

Inquisitor (refusing): You’re right. Flirting was fun, but it probably wouldn’t work out.

Iron Bull: Exactly. So don’t worry about it. Let’s just keep killing things. We’re really good at that. For what it’s worth, though… you would’ve been walking funny the next day. Anyway, nice talking with you. Have a good one.

I mean, Bull handles rejection like a champ here (and elsewhere, as our Inquisitor can turn him down here, break it off the morning after, or when their romance is discovered, among other occasions). I really like that he’s not kidding about there being zero repercussions or hard feelings.

An Object of Obsession

Meanwhile, let’s get back to motives for a moment. If Bull’s motive was simply to seduce the Inquisitor, he could’ve done this months ago (in-universe), couldn’t he? And if his goal was just sex, again, wasn’t this already within reach for him fairly quickly?

Instead, he’s still playing chess, still being strategic to shore up his position in the long game. From a character standpoint, my impression is that he’s willing to risk losing because he’s confident enough in his own skills, his own abilities at reading and understanding human nature, to do so.

My take here, in fact, is that he’s willing to gamble because if he’s right in his assessment here (whether Qun-loyal or Tal-Vashoth, depending on the outcome of “The Demands of the Qun“), Bull won’t just have the Inquisitor as a casual bedmate, he’ll be providing them with a relationship whose demands satisfy a need previously unrecognized within the Inquisitor herself, and in ways only he can satisfactorily meet. In short, he’s positioning himself fairly coldly to be the object of a sexual obsession. And he’ll gain a potential (and high-ranking) chesspiece in his play to both control or affect the Inquisition as well as for his potential return to the Qun as a power player despite his past sins (at least, as an option).

Which is where the BDSM aspect of Bull’s romantic proposition to the Inquisitor comes into the picture.

It shouldn’t be surprising that, in the bedroom, as elsewhere, Bull’s secretly all about power dynamics and exploiting those for his own benefit.

Bull is asking for that absolute trust, that willingness to be completely vulnerable… after he himself has already openly told us, at that point, numerous times, why he himself should not be trusted.

Waiting for Katoh

It’d be one thing for Bull to make his move as an uncomplicated typical romantic overture. Basically, the kind of scenario where he’d say, “Hey gorgeous, Bull here. If you’re agreeable, let’s finally hook up!”

It’s quite another for him to show up in your quarters unannounced (a great and subtle way to start the scenario with the Inquisitor off-balance), to say, “So… I’ve gotten the messages. I get what you want. And it’s tempting. So let me make you an offer in return: What if I promise to give you everything you want, plus that escape you crave, but only on my terms, and at the sacrifice of full control, in a scenario that demands your absolute trust? While, in addition, possibly changing your entire outlook on who you thought you were?”

Um… No big deal, right? The only problem is, Bull is asking for that absolute trust, that willingness to be completely vulnerable… after he himself has already openly told us, at that point, numerous times, why he himself should not be trusted. If we’re paying attention. So it’s a pretty fascinating and fraught situation from a story standpoint, and one that provides the potential for a surprising amount of tension and drama. And if he’s working an agenda, and we don’t gain his loyalty (in “Demands of the Qun”) the outcome of the story that begins here is truly heartbreaking at the conclusion of “Trespasser.” (People, save the Chargers. Just please, always save the Chargers.)

Meanwhile, no matter what Bull’s agenda here, as I mentioned, Bull makes his move with care, respect, and delicacy. He ensures consent—not once, not twice, but three separate times. The consent aspect is important and even somewhat poignant if you think about it, because Bull himself comes from a culture in which sexual consent, at least in the big-picture sense, is nonexistent. In life under the Qun and elements like the Qunari breeding programs, what or who you want personally doesn’t matter. The Qun is all about the collective good. Individuals either assimilate, do what they’re told (or who they’re told), or they die.

All of this is why, for me, Bull’s emphasis on consent here is a vital and very telling character note. (It’s also why criticisms of that consent scenario drive me batty, but more on that farther down.)

The issue of consent is doubly important in Bull’s scenario from a larger standpoint, I’d further argue, precisely because lack of consent has been such a troubling yet consistent aspect of other BDSM representations in popular entertainment, most notably, in stuff like 50 Shades of Grey. (Full disclosure: I haven’t read it, but in researching this, I became aware of the criticisms of the romance and its issues with consent and abuse.) The emphasis Dragon Age: Inquisition places on an empowered and consenting relationship is therefore, to me, culturally important and responsibly done.

We’re Definitely Not in Hyrule Anymore…

In a big-picture sense, seriously, all of this is pretty complex and surprising stuff for a videogame. Because it puts the player/protagonist into a situation in which they might very well react in any number of ways—with discomfort or outright disgust, with amusement or interest, or with enthusiasm and delighted approval, et cetera. (What’s interesting is that the Bioware team was evidently initially very concerned at the reactions from players and was subsequently pleasantly surprised when Bull’s romance was a non-issue for the vast majority.)

Keep in mind that, strategically (if it occurs before “Demands of the Qun”), Bull has everything to lose here in terms of the political coinage he’s acquired with the Inquisitor over his time with the Inquisition. Yet he’s willing to risk it, because he’s gambling as always on his proven ability to read other people. He’s basically saying, “Okay, I’ll give you what you want… but only on my terms… if you agree.” While pretty much already assuming he knows the choice they’ll make.

Right away, when he shows up in the Inquisitor’s chambers, Bull presents her with a series of choices. The short answer? He’s still making sure we’re chasing him (and his approval). It’s all so smart, and so much fun from a writing standpoint. Sure, he’s there, he’s willing… but there’s also that palpable sense that Bull’s also pretty uninvested in the outcome (at least by all appearances). He’s acknowledging the flirtations, but he’s also halfway out the door. It’s calm and deliberate—a far cry from Solas’s, Cass’s, or Blackwall’s passionate declarations of desire or love even against their better instincts, simply because they cannot help themselves. Instead, with Bull, it’s slightly cold, almost amused.

But either way, he makes his offer, and we can respond. And once the Inquisitor consents the third time (in an agreement that’s either more innocent and romantic or that’s more worldly and experienced), we end on a real smile from Bull, an embrace… and then a quick fade to black.

(Honestly, maybe that fade to black was perhaps a little too quick. I’m just sayin’…)

Power Plays

But we don’t jump to the next morning, as we might expect. Intriguingly, instead, we’re shown a moment when The Iron Bull is leaving the Inquisitor’s chambers, and he’s confronted by Leliana, who is stopping by to ask the Inquisitor for input on an Inquisition matter.

Bull’s response there is to tell her no, point-blank. He sends Leliana away—Leliana, our leader, spymaster, and warrior-nun. The person nobody says no to. And he does so with a shrug. It’s intriguing and textbook Bull: “Let her rest,” he says, coolly meeting the eyes of the most terrifying person in all of Skyhold. He’s at ease. He’s also amused, relaxed, and confident. And Leliana, visibly thoughtful about this unexpected development, departs without further comment. (And I love that she never, ever says a word about what she knows here. Nobody keeps secrets like our Nightingale.)

In an obvious sense, Bull’s just done some oddly positive things here. He’s—it’s certainly implied—provided the Inquisitor with the escape and release she needed. He’s also fended off potential interruptions and made sure she gets some much-needed rest.

And yet.

He’s also just made a major power move. He just told Leliana, in no uncertain terms, that he’s now a factor in the Inquisitor’s life. It can be taken as selfish (“I’m someone you need to take note of”) or unselfish (“I’m here to make sure you give her the space she needs”). Or a combination of the two.

For me, the headcanon read on this scene depends on what the outcome was to “The Demands of the Qun.” If we saved the Chargers, Bull has no more need to apply ulterior motives, and he’s simply doing what he’s best at—caregiving and protecting. If we chose to sacrifice the Chargers, however, Bull’s motives immediately get a lot murkier. (So much so that it’s going to have to be a whole separate blog post in the future.)

Meanwhile, my Inky got her night with Bull. And I’m assuming it was fabulous and delightful and probably earth-shattering on a number of levels. But she certainly had some questions the morning after (and so did I).

The best part is? He answers them.

Bull’s actually very approachable the next morning, if we choose to go ask him to talk with us about what happened the night before.

Warnings and Watchwords

It’s interesting that Bull’s seduction has a decidedly cool element, a visible detachment, yet he’s so much warmer and kinder the morning after. This could be an expected result of the intimacy of their previous night together. Or it may also simply indicate that he’s more confident and not feeling the need to hold himself at arms’ length anymore.

Regardless, Bull’s actually very approachable the next morning, if we choose to go ask him to talk with us about what happened the night before. He’s genial, friendly, and open—surprisingly so. (My favorite part of this early conversation is when we first try to talk to him about the previous night, Bull assumes we just want some therapeutic advice on physical comfort in the aftermath, responding cheerfully that, “I can show you some stretches…”.)

Then he realizes what the Inquisitor wants to talk about, they sit down together in her quarters, and just… talk. In an extended, smart, literate, and mature dialogue sequence about what they did, how the Inquisitor feels about it, what each wants, what he’s offering, the rules of engagement, what the boundaries are, and where those boundaries end. He also addresses, bluntly, the psychology behind his choices.

And here’s where it gets fascinating. He reveals to you at this point, fairly candidly, how he thinks you’re wired and what he thinks you need. He admits that he’s using his Ben-Hassrath training to intuit this stuff, but also that he’s using those powers for good:

Inquisitor: I’m still not sure how to react to the things we did.

Iron Bull: If you’re limping, I can show you a few stretches that’ll take care of it.

Inquisitor: That’s not what I meant.

Iron Bull (pausing): You don’t say. Found a part of yourself you didn’t know was there before…

The Inquisitor doesn’t answer.

Iron Bull (more gently): Ben-Hassrath training, remember? Grew up learning to manipulate people. When it’s a hostile target, you give them what they want. But when it’s someone you care about, you give them what they need.

Inquisitor: So if I agree, how does this… work?

Iron Bull: Outside this room, nothing changes. You’re the Inquisitor. You’re the Boss. I will never hurt you without your permission. You will always be safe. If you are ever uncomfortable, if you ever want me to stop, you say “katoh” and it’s over. No questions asked.

Inquisitor (one of several minor varying options): It’s a little unnerving that you have this down to a system.

Iron Bull: Systems are comfortable. And my goal is for you to get… very comfortable.

My favorite part of this exchange is the way Bull is employing his usual talent for lying with the truth and hiding in plain sight.

Just as he told us he was a spy the moment we met, here he points out that his Ben-Hassrath training is enabling him to manipulate the Inquisitor, and that he is blatantly doing so. But he’s doing so (or so he implies) for good, not ill. For our benefit. And if we saved the Chargers in Bull’s personal loyalty quest (turning him into a true rebel by necessity—a Tal-Vashoth), this is true. If we sacrificed the Chargers and he remains loyal to the Qun, things here are, as mentioned, actually pretty dark. But more on that later.

Either way, what Bull doesn’t do, at any point, is compromise. Instead, Bull lays out the scenario for the two of you going forward. The crux of his approach: To put it somewhat demurely, Bull gets to drive. The Inquisitor will have to agree. He will not compromise, as noted in a further conversation and partial negotiation they may have later on (all of these dialogues were written with his usual eloquence and subtlety by Patrick Weekes, who wrote Bull, as well as Solas and Cole, in his Dragon Age: Inquisition appearance).

What You Need

The Inquisitor can then return to Bull for a third conversation, and this was my favorite of the three, because the writing allows the Inquisitor a variety of character options–they can ask a dozen questions, or they can commit right away. They can show confidence, or admit to vulnerability or insecurity for example, asking Bull if the BDSM is an aspect of any of his other relationships, for instance, with the serving girls or others Bull has bedded in the Inquisition. Bull’s answer there is simple: nope. Because that’s not what the serving girls needed. He’s wired to give people what he perceives they need, so each scenario for him is different and unique.

Bull further elaborates below (note that he starts out with a clear statement that he’s committed to you, absolutely, as of this moment—that there’s nobody else, until or unless you end things):

Iron Bull (speaking about his previous dalliances): I mean, I used to. Long as we’re doing this, you’ve got my complete attention.

Inquisitor: You told me that this is what I needed. What did you mean by that?

Iron Bull: You’re the Inquisitor. You didn’t ask for the job, but you’ve taken on the responsibility. You’ve got thousands of lives riding on your decisions. You bear that weight all day. You need a place where you can be safe, knowing someone else is in charge for a bit. 

Inquisitor: So if this is a conscious decision for you, could you do something else if I wanted you to?

Iron Bull: No. This is who we are. It’d be disrespectful to what you need to treat you any other way. If it doesn’t work for you, though, I understand. No hard feelings.

Inquisitor: What about what you need?

Iron Bull: Hey, I’m good. I am better than good. You don’t trouble yourself on that front. Old Iron Bull is just fine.

It’s interesting to me that Bull’s highest allegiance here is to what the Inquisitor needs. It’s the thing he’s most drawn to as a nurturer, spy or no spy, that ability to fulfill that, and it’s something he won’t compromise on. He even calls it out specifically, that “It would be disrespectful to what you need to treat you any other way.” He won’t do otherwise… even if it’s in his best interests politically. And, typical for Bull, he utterly discounts what he himself might need out of the relationship. (I find this weirdly moving, and would certainly of course headcanon that the Inquisitor is generous and attentive regardless of this statement—he deserves it.)

Either way, these conversations while certainly a bit edgy for the mainstream, really shouldn’t be. Speaking as something of a bumbling semi-human toon myself (when it comes to, like, non-pixellated romances), I found them intelligent, insightful, and respectful, and had no issues with Bull’s romantic narrative in any way. Besides, in service to the story, ultimately, to me it’s powerful, it’s emotional, and best of all, it’s also responsibly and affectionately set forth. It’s true to who these characters have been painted to be.

I definitely appreciate that there are (to me, at least) no issues regarding consent, physical or emotional danger, or of power abuse, unlike popular and often irresponsible representations of BDSM across much of entertainment media (cough, 50 Shades of Grey). Ultimately, as someone unfamiliar with that culture, my own reaction to the portrayal of Bull’s romance as a depiction of BDSM, after reading a fair amount of discussion (both pro and con), is that it has been handled here with real responsibility, as well as with sensitivity and a clear understanding of both the characters, the lifestyle, and of human nature by Weekes and the rest of the Dragon Age creative team. I think in that way that the romance storyline is a pretty significant milestone for inclusivity, and should be celebrated as such.

Not everyone will be into what Bull proposes, nor will they take him up on it once he sets the stage for what he wants to provide. And in those cases it’s then, luckily, quite easy to say “Nope,” and move on.

Responsible Representation

However, not everyone agrees with me. Beyond his romance with Dorian (which as I’ve noted, I don’t think was remotely abusive and will address in more detail in the future), there’s been some heated discussion about Bull and his relationship with the Inquisitor. So it was interesting to wade into that minefield. Some felt there were consent issues (which I cannot understand at all, given what we’re provided here), some had issues with his assumption that the Inquisitor is submissive, while still others felt that Bull’s “take it or leave it” approach to the relationship was somehow triggering.

Again, I don’t get any of these critiques or find them viable.

First off, Bull’s assumption that the Inquisitor is seeking a submissive role in the bedroom is an easy thing to address within the story—you can either headcanon that he’s right, or hey, you turn him down. It’s not difficult. Me, I thought it was a believable character note for a number of reasons. It spotlighted Bull’s insights into human nature in an unexpected way (and keep in mind, Bull is shown to be scarily accurate about reading people in this way); it provided a scenario in which our protagonist is actually challenged about their own perceptions of what they want in the bedroom (and how often does that happen in a game?); and it explored Bull’s caregiver tendencies in ways that were complex and even potentially disquieting… and yet lovely, too.

Because Bull’s immediately all in. If we agree, he’s 100% monogamous and focused only on us, on giving the Inquisitor whatever is needed. And this caregiver aspect isn’t just subtext to me, but actual text. The entire relationship is, in my own view, presented as genuinely healing, and so many people miss that about Bull’s romance. Yes, there are power dynamics at work here, of course, but there’s also something gentle about what Bull’s offering the Inquisitor—it’s not ever presented as harsh or scary; it’s not the cliche of whips and chains (not that there’s anything wrong with that, if that’s what floats your boat), but is instead rather a safe haven. There’s a genuine element of fantasy and play to it, and we see both aspects, the gentleness and the fantasy element, in the scene where Bull and the Inquisitor are interrupted later on.

And while it’s true that Bull may in fact eventually betray you (if you betrayed him), that happens on the battlefield. Never in the bedroom. No matter what you chose when it came to his loyalty mission, by all appearances he keeps his promise and the Inquisitor’s bedroom remains a safe and separate space.

Regardless. Not everyone will be into what Bull proposes, nor will they take him up on it once he sets the stage for what he wants to provide. And in those cases it’s then, luckily, quite easy to say, “Nope” and move on.

Arguing the Dynamics

I think this is a key point many people don’t get. It’s not abuse for Bull to request a specific kind of relationship while giving us the choice to accept or refuse. It would be abuse if we had no choice, or if he changed those dynamics without warning. But here, he’s being absolutely forthcoming about what will take place if we agree, and we therefore have the power to respond with ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ It’s really that simple.
Does Bull insist on a specific sexual preference or dynamic to his relationship going forward? Yes. Yes, he does. And he’s clear about that.
I have no problem with this. I’d further argue that Bull has every right to set forth what he wants from a sexual relationship, and so does anyone else. Our Inquisitors can at that point either agree to his terms and proceed, or turn him down. Again, it’s not rocket science. And there are zero actual problems in how he presents the choice (again, Bull asks for consent and checks in with the Inquisitor on her feelings multiple times, both here and as the romance progresses). The Inquisitor is further given full agency over her relationship and her decisions at every single conversational moment with Bull that follows. She can reject him at any time.
I mean, what more could Bioware have done?
Some people have argued, however, that because the Inquisitor can’t change the terms of the relationship, that this is somehow abusive. Nope. Those who like what Bull’s proposing can take him up on it. Those who want something different, or that he’s not willing to give? You’re simply out of luck. That’s not how people work. Or sex. Or relationships. Everyone has preferences, and difference is the spice of life.
Anyway.

To Speak or Not to Speak

Meanwhile, to me, Bull’s pretty careful, thoughtful and thorough when discussing exactly what their relationship will be like if the Inquisitor proceeds. He provides the Qunari word “katoh” as the ‘watchword’ (or, ahem, safe word) in case the Inquisitor is uncomfortable at any point, then leaves it up to her whether she wants to continue. Bull may have an agenda, but he is also incredibly sincere on the issue of agency in every way.

And speaking of “katoh,” it’s probably my one area of minor complaint in the romance. Eventually, the ‘watchword’ becomes a kind of badge of honor for the Inquisitor—the fact that she never says it, it’s implied in a lighthearted way, is because she’s adventurous, not afraid of her own limits, and because the two of them are having a terrific time together.

However, the idea that not saying it is somehow a good thing doesn’t work for me. To me, the whole point of “katoh” (especially in the case of a character who is new to these scenarios, I’d imagine) should be that expressing her boundaries or areas of discomfort is not just allowable but is actually healthy for both her as well as for Bull as the relationship begins. (I mean, I’d think for most people, there might be, hilariously, “katohs” all over the place to start, as they got comfortable with each other, or maybe I’m just projecting here.) But from a story standpoint, I can see why the fact that she doesn’t say it (surprising Bull, to say the least) also has an emotional component and says something about her trust in him.

The Offer Beneath the Offer

Regardless, Bull’s setting forth the ground rules. And at this moment, if she says that one word (“katoh”), it’s over, no hard feelings. And please note—potential double agenda or no, Bull means this—I’ve played through all the different variations, and when Bull promises “no strings,” he puts his money where his mouth is. He’s even genial and supportive if the Inquisitor moves on after their night together to romance other companions:

Inquisitor: Katoh.

Iron Bull: Understood. I’ll see you later, Boss. (Alternatively: Huh. You got it, Boss.)

But if the Inquisitor questions Bull on his point of view, his reasons, and his goals for the relationship, it’s a fascinating conversation, and one of my favorites with romanced companions across the entire Dragon Age landscape.

This is because Bull’s logic for why he wants the relationship to go this way is pretty irresistible, and it’s seriously the world’s oddest combination of creepy and sweet ever.

Because… what he’s offering your Inquisitor is even more seductive than sex; he’s offering escape. As well as open permission to be vulnerable in ways the Inquisitor is simply not allowed to be in daily life. And, quite possibly, it may be the only true escape they’ve found since becoming Inquisitor. He’s saying, “Come with me, play with me; I’ll take care of you and you can take your mind away from this apocalyptic time, place, and responsibility you never asked for.

I mean, if you’d been catapulted to a position of leadership you’d never wanted or imagined, were surrounded by strangers (many of whom feared, hated or were initially trying to imprison you), had left or lost everyone you’d loved, were suddenly leading a world political power, were managing a magical mark that was also slowly trying to kill you, and the world was falling to hell around you in a rain of demons from the skies…?

Yeah, I’d think that offer would be pretty damned tempting.

“I Cannot Move My Legs”

So the romance progresses, we can ask Bull for kisses outside the tavern (complete with a casual smack on the Inky’s rear that is slyly funny and well animated), and all is right with Thedas. Everyone’s having a great time, apparently.

Then, not long after Bull and the Inquisitor embark on their escapades, there’s a scene where Cullen, Cass, and Josie happen upon them unexpectedly. It is seriously the funniest scene I’ve ever seen in a game, and I laugh out loud every time I see it. But there’s also more to it than you might expect at second glance—it’s actually a lovely and surprising interlude—funnier than you’d anticipate, but also potentially tender (and really sad, as well, depending on your character’s choices). Either way, it’s a revealing moment in the romance if we look closer.

We open on Bull and the Inquisitor, right after another encounter. Bull’s naked and still relaxed in the bed, the Inquisitor dressing in a matter-of-fact, “we’ve been together awhile now” kind of way. And this is where we catch a glimpse of that gentle hidden aspect to the relationship. Bull’s voice is soft:

Iron Bull: There we go. No Inquisition. No war. Nothing outside this room. Just you, and me. (Pause) So. What’d you want to talk about?

Then Cullen inadvertently walks in. And he realizes what he’s walking in on and his body literally tries to march him backward out the door on its own. It’s fantastic. Then he settles for covering his eyes against the sight of a naked Bull as if he’s a vampire faced with sunlight.

Then Josie comes in. And she freezes in place, mesmerized by the glory that is, evidently, Bull’s junk (amusingly and thankfully hidden by the Inky and various other elements as the scene progresses).

Josie’s “I just had three shots of Novocaine” face is seriously the best thing ever (“I cannot move my legs…”)

Then comes Cassandra as the capper on the scene, and her patented disgusted noise here is probably the best example of that classic Cass-reaction in the entire game. Because she’s not really disgusted, just exasperated. Like she’s going, “Inquisitor. Bull. The world is falling down and NOW you decide to do this? I am disappointed.” And she’s of course raising one perfect eyebrow in judgment at the same time.

Anyway, it’s one of the funniest things you’ll ever see in a video game, as all three are mortified by the situation and yet cannot look away. Josie’s “I just had three shots of Novocaine” face is seriously the best thing ever (“I cannot move my legs…”), while Cullen’s little snicker adds a much-needed dash of humor to our often stoic Commander’s personality. (Seriously, when he giggled at this, I went, “Okay, fine, Hot Templar Man, I’ll romance you” and added him to my mental list behind Solas.). Cassandra (perhaps funniest of all) is simply irritated at being faced with the entire situation.

She doesn’t give a crap about sex or safe words or orgasms. She’s just wondering why you’re wasting your time when there is WORK to be done. And given that Cass is DAI’s die-hard closet romantic (not to mention there’s the matter of her occasional flirtations with Bull in their banters), it’s kind of weirdly adorable. I almost wonder if there isn’t an element of her protesting a bit too much, but there’s no hint of that, so I think ultimately it’s simply her allegiance to the Inquisition that’s causing her extreme disapproval here. (At least outwardly.)

A Dignified Exit

But it’s not all just fun and games. We can commit to Bull here, proud of our relationship with him and absolutely fine with people knowing. Yet, meanwhile, for the unexpectedly sadder ending—if we express embarrassment at being discovered with Bull, it’s much more bittersweet, as Bull sacrifices his dignity without a qualm—but only to a point:

Cass: I apologize for interrupting what I assume was a momentary diversion.

Cullen (snickers): Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun.

Josie: Who wouldn’t be a little curious? 

Inquisitor: Responds either affirmatively (“Bull and I are together”) or ends things, with “This was just a fling” (“Iron Bull and I were just blowing off some steam”).

Iron Bull (if option 2 is taken): Yeah, the Boss wanted to ride the Bull. Nothing for anyone to get excited about. 

Inquisitor: Right.

Josie (flustered): I’ll just…

Iron Bull (after a pause): Hey, Josephine… you busy later?

Josie actually does pause momentarily (and personally, I hope she looked him up), then they all leave.

Iron Bull: Ah, well. Fun while it lasted.

Inquisitor (being a total jerkface): We don’t have to stop.

Iron Bull: Yeah. We do. I was trying to relieve your stress. Not add to it. If you’re ashamed of this, I’m doing a crappy job.

Inquisitor: Bull…

Iron Bull: Don’t worry about it, Boss. I’ll see you later.

I love this moment (well, I hate what the Inquisitor’s done, but I really like Bull’s reaction). I love that Bull will actually turn down the Inquisitor here. So much of Bull’s persona is about his support and willingness to give, but at the same time, there needs to be a limit. And the quiet way he walks away in this moment (as he should) when faced with the Inquisitor’s shame at being with him is a perfect and necessary character note. He may be a caregiver but the guy has the self esteem to expect better of those he sleeps with… and he should.

However, if we do commit to Bull, it ends very sweetly and on a much happier note:

Iron Bull: You okay Boss?

Inquisitor: You know, I believe I am. But since we have a moment… 

Iron Bull: What’s that?

Inquisitor: It’s a dragon’s tooth, split in two. So no matter how far apart life takes us, we’re always together.

Iron Bull: Not often people surprise me, kadan.

Inquisitor: Kadan?

Iron Bull (pulling her down into the bed): Kadan. My heart.

And as I’ve mentioned, I may have actually let out a cheer at this, because I headcanoned that my original Warden was in love with Sten (and vice versa) even though they both knew it was hopeless. Their only outlet, I believed, was his use of that word, his one way of expressing his hidden feelings. So, in other words, every time Sten called her “kadan,” I plotzed a little.

So this was fabulous. (And yes, yes I know that “kadan” can be used in a nonromantic context. I just can’t hear you over the la-la-la sounds I’m currently making to ignore that.)

Nobody Says I Love You…

Bull’s romance continues to evolve through the DAI story after this point, and again, I found it so refreshing that the game dared to explore the dynamics of a relationship that began with sex and evolved into something more complex. Bull and the Inquisitor are still evidently having sex all over Skyhold, including, evidently, one or two occasions on the War Table itself (Cole informs a delighted party of companions of this fact in one of his highly revealing little banter dialogues about Bull’s romance with the Inquisitor, and Blackwall’s response is especially funny: “I look forward to informing Cullen!”).

But there’s still something that hasn’t been said—those three little words that determine that there’s emotion involved here, and not just sex. And as we know, there’s no room for love and sex to occur at the same time traditionally under the Qun.

Then, however, we get a post-coital conversation between Bull and the Inquisitor about how their relationship is going (everyone’s very happy, let’s just say), and about his surprise that she’s never used the safe word he provided. The two then proceed to banter about the potential safe words of our other companions, and as always, it’s an opportunity for Bull to show how insightful he really is when it comes to reading other people. There’s a brilliant little moment when his use of a particular Orlesian phrase about Blackwall says volumes about how much he’s already figured out about the mysterious Grey Warden and his true backstory, which for most has not yet been revealed at this point in the story.

It’s interesting to note that while Bull and the Inquisitor wonder aloud about the safe words and predilections of many of their companions, a few notable omissions there include Solas (interesting, since I definitely think he’d have one at the ready—as he directly implies in an early flirt scene with a mage Inquisitor), and Dorian.

Side Note: I would have laughed so hard if Solas’s suggested safe word had been “Fade.” Come on. Admit it. It’s funny. He’d never have even made it through the door on your very first date. And it would’ve been hilarious.

I think Dorian’s omission here, meanwhile, occurs for many reasons—first, because it’s another subtle example of Bull judging others and what they need, and I think the implication is pretty clear that Bull doesn’t think a BDSM scenario would be ideal for Dorian (with his history of rejection and betrayal, I’d agree, although it’s also implied that there are elements of kink to the relationship in other ways). I also think Dorian may not be discussed because he’s an alternate-timeline choice for Bull as a romance, and his omission keeps the two stories wholly separate.

This interlude can end on a few different genuinely touching emotional notes. In one, the Inquisitor implies love and thanks Bull for being with her even if they don’t survive.

Bull interrupts this speech, however, and his broken “Katoh. Stop. I can’t… We’re coming out of this together.” is one of Prinze’s most beautiful moments in voice acting the character of Bull. What gets me is that Bull is the first one to use the word in earnest here; he’s giving us the rare glimpse of the guy who survived Seheron… and then broke.

Sex and Love Beyond the Qun

All variations on this scene end with the two falling back into bed together, but the differences in each conversation thread choice are fascinating because the scene can end in exactly the same way each time, yet in one instance it’s slightly emotional and intense (the Inquisitor fearing death and Bull comforting her), in another sweetly affecting (the Inquisitor telling Bull she loves him, and him returning the sentiment after responding teasingly), or even playful (as the Inquisitor ends on a lighter tone, telling him this was fun). And it’s all lovely and moving… as long as he’s Tal-Vashoth.

Because, if he’s not, once again, this is all empty. An act. Depending on whether we saved the Chargers, or doomed them.

If we saved the Chargers, then I think part of the reason Bull genuinely allows himself to love you is because he’s in a freefall of relief at Krem and the Chargers’ survival (his family), secret relief at being free of the Qun, while also still navigating his total fear and despair of what he’s supposed to do now. All combined with the constant fear that he will go “savage” and become Tal-Vashoth.

And of course, add in a healthy amount of guilt because he now must wonder how many Tal-Vashoth he hunted and killed for the Qunari were simply good men like him trying to break free. So to me, it’s natural that Bull is more open to the romance and actually allows himself the possibility for love and even commitment. That is, if you saved the Chargers. And saved the part of himself that had allowed himself to feel and love.

As I’ve written before here, Bull is innately generous, a giver at heart. The Qun, once upon a time, warped that impulse into something darker and more controlling. Then came the Inquisition, and his own “last chance.” Sure, Bull was playing a delicate game at first, and balancing both potential outcomes. But at some point, somewhere along the way, it all became real. He returned to his core self, abandoning power and politics, turning to something he’d never been allowed to imagine existed—real intimacy, commitment and trust.

It’s ironic in the end, that while Bull offered our Inquisitor the possibility of escape both emotionally, psychologically, and sensually, the person who achieved the actual escape in the end was Bull himself. And we’re the ones who gave it to him. By saving his self-built family, we saved Bull and (unknowingly) ourselves. And that’s the opposite of cold; it’s something that goes beyond sex, power, or obsession and is simply about love and trust on truly absolute and unshakable levels.

And that’s always going to be greater and more powerful than any demands of the Qun.


Images Courtesy of BioWare

This article is a reprint (with minor modification and expansion) of an article originally published by Angela D. Mitchell on DumpedDrunkandDalish.com.

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Analysis

Game of Thrones 1×07 Rewatch: You Play the Game or the Arse

Kylie

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Hello and welcome to The Wars to Come, the Game of Thrones rewatch project by… You know how it goes.

Today, Kylie, Julia, Danzie, and Griffin take on the seventh episode of Season 1. But first, a recap for those who haven’t had a chance to watch it yet.

Episode Recap

This week in “You Win or You Die,” the stakes are certainly life or death, particularly for Daenerys Targaryen. After failing to convince her husband to help her take back the Iron Throne for her family, she sets out to the market, for what she thinks is a day of innocent shopping. Yet not all is at it seems. For one, Jorah creeps off and gets handed a royal pardon for spying on her. For another, a wine merchant outright tries to murder her with poison! Jorah thwarts the attempts (pardon in pocket), and the entire ordeal incites Khal Drogo, who declares his desire for vengeance against Robert Baratheon. He will sail to Westeros after all!

Jon has his drama to deal with. For starters, Uncle Benjen’s horse returns to The Wall…sans Benjen. Then at the graduation ceremony for Night’s Watch School, Jon is told that he’s going to be a steward, not a ranger. He’s always wanted to be a ranger, and as a steward he certainly won’t be in a position to help his uncle!

He’s just about ready to quit when Sam points out to him that clearly the reason he was assigned as not just any steward, but Commander Mormont’s steward specifically, is that he’s getting groomed for leadership. Jon sees the logic in it, and the two friends take their vows together at a heart tree north of the wall.

We briefly visit Winterfell, where Theon tries to demand sex from Osha, before Luwin puts a stop to it. A guest or a prisoner? Luwin points at that Theon of all people should know the distinction may not be huge.

We make an equally brief visit to the camp of the Lannister army, where Tywin Lannister berates Jaime for not finishing the job during his fight with Ned by killing him. Their House was slighted by Cat kidnapping Tyrion, so clearly it is only right that Jaime take a force and capture Riverrun. Boy, feudal politics are as charming as ever!

Nowhere is that more apparent, however, than in King’s Landing. Ned finally confronts Cersei about the illegitimacy of her children, and urges her to flee with them before Robert returns from his hunting trip, as he plans to inform the King immediately. However, it turns out the opportunity will never arise; Robert drank too much wine and in an attempt to drunkenly hunt a boar, got himself lethally gored. Ned is able to take down his final will, which names him as “Lord Protector of the Realm” until Joffrey comes of age. Despite Robert saying “Joffrey” explicitly, Ned simply writes “my rightful heir.” Robert also changes his tune about wanting to kill Dany, but when Ned tells Varys to put a stop to it, he’s informed that it’s already in motion.

Elsewhere, Littlefinger tells two of his sex workers about that time he dueled Brandon Stark because he loved Cat.

While Robert slowly dies, Renly seeks out Ned, telling him that he must act now and take Cersei and her children into custody before she can act. When Ned speaks of naming Stannis as Robert’s successor, Renly says that he should be named instead, despite being the youngest. Ned dismisses this plan.

He also dismisses Littlefinger’s suggestion to make peace with the Lannisters, bow before King Joffrey, and merely sit on the incest secret unless they need to expose it. Instead, he asks Littlefinger to secure the gold cloaks for him, so that he’ll be able to properly confront Cersei when the time comes.

That’s sooner rather than later; Robert dies, and almost immediately Cersei puts Joffrey on the throne, where he calls upon the Small Council to pledge their fealty. Renly’s fled the city, but Ned heads to the throne room, where he presents Robert’s will. Cersei tears it up, and when it’s clear that she will not yield, Ned calls on the gold cloaks to arrest her. Instead, they murder all the Stark House guards, and Littlefinger puts a dagger to Ned’s throat.

Initial, quick reaction

Kylie: I feel like this episode was a bit stronger than last week’s. I mean there is the one scene of just sheer horribleness, but otherwise it felt somehow more focused, maybe. I suspect a lot of that was due to the King’s Landing plotline just utterly dominating the episode. Sure, we had a few scenes with Jon and Dany, Tywin’s introduction, and even a delightful moment with Theon in Winterfell. But so much stayed with the main action, which was quite enough to drive things forward well. I may just be complimenting the pacing here, but I at least had more of a positive reaction, I think.

Griffin: I don’t even remember what happened from when I watched it. There was Robert dying, Jason Momoa’s awesome scene, and they cut the apologizing assassin. I was bummed about that since I liked how stupid it was from when I read it, and I wanted to see them do it since it is so stupid. It’s just so ridiculous but for some reason it felt like it fit within the world of the book, which defies all logic. I vaguely remember something about Jon Snow, mostly because he apparently wasn’t in the previous two or three episodes? I mean, it says a lot that I didn’t remember he wasn’t there at all. Was Sansa in this one? Arya? This show is bafflingly forgettable sometimes.

Julia: I agree that it was a much stronger episode than the previous one or two. I remember this being the first time in my life possibly, that I noticed nerdy things like “blocking” and “shots.” The extreme close ups in the wine-assassin scene, and the odd blocking and pacing of the Ned-Cersei scene were an education.

Also, did you know that Ned is into honor?


Danzie: Aside from that scene, I actually really love this episode. Baratheons being well represented is my kryptonite. See D&D? I’m not that hard to impress.

I have a couple nitpicks but, yeah, this was an overall winner in my books.

Highlights/lowlights:

Griffin: I guess my highlight is probably Jason Momoa developing the amount of screen presence he looks like he should have. Pretty much every other scene that wasn’t killing Viserys was just “big dude is big dude” for him. I’ve been wondering if that was just a writing issue, or if he just didn’t have the physicality to really make the role work. Turns out they just needed to actually write a scene where he does a thing for him to, well, do the thing. Seriously, even with the “golden crown” it felt kinda…deliberate? Like, Drogo had planned this to happen, and was sorta casual about it.

As for the low-point, it has to be the Sexposition. Jesus christ that scene was atrocious. Littlefinger had to literally yell his origin story over the ever-loudening moans of women fucking on his explicit orders. Seriously, dude? I mean—he’s not even getting off on it. He’s just yelling. For no reason. I couldn’t even pay attention to whatever nonsense he was spouting because the staging was so unbelievably awkward and random. I cannot imagine being the sound mixer when editing that scene; it’s like a visual representation of why their job is necessary and integral. Did they get paid more for that one? God, I hope so.

Kylie: I definitely second this low-point. It’s just…in terms of quality it’s not even that far removed from the low-points of Seasons 6 and 7. The only saving grace is that it’s one contained scene with a relatively shorter story on the exposition scale. I’m worried it’s going to overtake anything else to do with this episode for this rewatch, that’s how bad it was.

I had a personal highlight, and that was watching Emilia Clark move her face in the market scene. I don’t exactly think it was the episode’s best moment, but it was so refreshing that I felt invigorated.

It doesn’t even seem like she’s in pain!

I think objectively my highlight is the throne room sequence. I know it’s obvious, but it was well-executed. You really get a feel for the farce of all courtly politics, and Barry’s sad little face when Cersei ripped up the letter was a highlight unto itself. It was this kind of tension that made me fall in love with the world and really want to engage, and I think this was a case where it was blocked and written well.

Julia: Yeah, the sexposition scene was the worst. The Worst. But in the interest of variety I will pick the scene where Ned confronts Cersei. Just, like, this is such an effective scene in the book, but here it’s just so odd. I mean, the pacing is bizarrely off, and the shot-reverse-shot looks unnatural. It’s not especially bad, really. Just, comparing it to the source material makes me sad.

Highlight? I really liked Cersei’s costume in the throne room. It was so interesting and different, and maybe even what a queen would wear.

Danzie: Sexposition was not only bad, it was a scary look into the future for this show. Jesus, what a bummer in an otherwise good episode. It’s an example of how D&D don’t trust their audience to pay attention without an ample supply of nudity. I think it’s easily the lowlight of the entire first season for me.

I have so many highlights though! Sam and Pyp truth bombing Jon’s whiny ass was pretty satisfying. Luwin (who I forgot was such an amazing cinnamon roll prior to this rewatch project) shutting down Theon’s creepy behavior with an epic burn was also pretty amazing. Renly being, like, a CHARACTER and not a gayreotype made me happy too. I stanned the heck out of my Baratheon trash-baby basically being the only one smart enough to get the hell out of King’s Landing before all this went down. See you next season with your awesome beard and crown, bro. <3

In the end though, I have two winners. The first is Robert’s defining moment as a character, where, moments from death, he finally decides to grow up and let go of his fear and anger towards the Targs. I know this is more a compliment to the source material, but Mark Addy nailed the hell out of this scene. We need to start an Emmy-snubbed list.

The second is the Jaime/Tywin scene. Charles Dance was such spot-on casting for Tywin. You start to learn here why the Lannister kids are so fucked up. Even Jaime who is his “favourite” has unrealistic expectations put on him. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t with a dad like Tywin. Also, this was the scene that made me decide to get a replica Jaime sword. I’ll include a pic. 😀

Quality of writing

Julia: Not too bad? The sexposition stands out as horrible, but other than that, most of the scenes were too straightforwardly adapted to have the opportunity to be horrible.

But that scene though. What I suspect happened is that the director just saw this stupid Bond villain monologue, and thought, “oh no, this is just two pages of him explaining his evil plan, and the virginity pledge he took! How do I make this interesting?” And since the director seems as incompetent as the writers this week, he landed on male-gaze girl-on-girl in the background?

Reasonable.

Danzie: Haha, with the exception of the darkest timeline scene that I’m sure I can (and will) rip into, I’m pretty happy with the writing. Turns out that when you just stick to adapting the books things turn out pretty well? Who knew.

Kylie: We’re at least definitively still in the world of conversations. Spy vs. Spy was getting close to nonversation territory, but here people still talk like people. Well…Westerosi people. I’d say the quality was overall very decent. Now play with her arse.

Griffin: I’m pretty sure I hated the characters I was supposed to hate. But I’m not sure I like or empathize with the characters I’m supposed to like. The biggest problem remains that they aged up the children, at least to me. This makes it really difficult to believe Jon’s plotline in any way, unless he’s the absolute dumbest person around. It makes sense he’d be groomed for command, but not that he wouldn’t understand that and needs it spelled out.

Aside from that, in terms of writing, I guess it was fine. There’s nothing really that stands out as great writing, but they have an entire cast of amazing actors who can really elevate the material. Like Jason Momoa’s scenery-chewing moment. So really, the writing is probably mediocre, but they just have really good actors. But they shouldn’t need to constantly lean on that; that’s not sustainable.

Our 8th grade book report (on themes)

Griffin: What was the theme of this episode? I guess it was “honor” and “survival.” And how those two don’t mix. That’s just sorta the whole point of Ned’s story though, if I recall correctly.

Kylie: I’m trying to specify it more to connect Dany and Jon and Ned here. I mean the theme you hit isn’t exactly wrong, but more just overarching for the season. Then again we’ve talked before about how maybe episodic themes are more incidental than anything else.

Julia: I think maybe you can connect Dany and the King’s Landing stuff with the idea that a desire for the throne makes you do horrible things? Like, even Ned slightly changed the wording of Robert’s last wishes. Might be a stretch.

Danzie: The theme I got was “what makes a good leader?” Is it military prowess? Well clearly not, because Robert was an amazing fighter but a terrible king. Is it bloodlines? Not when you look at half the crazy Targaryens. Is it a lawful king like Stannis or a diplomatic and well loved person like Renly? Is it conquerors like Aegon I as Dany suggests?

These are all archetypes and ideas that will come into play during the war of five kings and beyond… or y’know, they would’ve, but the show decided to become terrible.

Kylie: I think to that theme, Danzie, it’s hard to super connect Jon’s scenes to that. We get that they’re grooming him for leadership, but Jon’s struggle this episode is more just his inability to think anything through, apparently. Or to think. He commits to the Night’s Watch, but it’s less to do with leadership and more to do with his bros talking him into it. What makes a good leader? Apparently not the smarts.

The issue with “doing bad things for the throne” is that Ned doesn’t want the throne in any way, and changing Robert’s wording was less horrible than it was protecting a dying man from something that would really upset him, while still trying to honor the laws of the land. I’m worried I’m making a special pleading case for Ned with that, because it is a slightly deceitful action, that’s for sure. But even his lie was…not without honor.

Dany convinces Drogo to fight for her throne after almost getting killed, Jon pledges to the Night’s Watch even without necessarily liking his post because of future ambition maybe, and Ned tries to do the honorable thing in ensuring the proper line of succession, only to be betrayed. I think what we have are three people doing things at various levels of political power, all tied to a vague sense of duty. But it’s okay if it’s a bit scattered.

Also it feels completely random that this is the episode we learned Littlefinger’s backstory. “I’m not going to fight them, I’m going to fuck them” was his thesis. Is that linked to anything here?

Julia: Well, that’s what Ned should have done, right? Play a game where he can control Joff and Cersei because he knows their secret? And Dany literally fucked her way to getting Drogo’s army. #femaleempowerment.

Kylie: So the show validates Littlefinger’s worldview. Neato.

Cracks in the plaster (the bullshit to come)

Kylie: Putting aside the elephant’s arse in the room, I think one of the bigger cracks that starts here was actually something relatively well-executed: Tywin’s introduction. I love Dance in the role, and I think what he was saying gave texture to what we’ve seen of his three children.

That said, it’s kind of baldly the beginning of their more obvious Lannister favorism, and the Tough but Fair Grandpappy Tywin we’re going to get much more of next season. Maybe this belongs more as an adaptational grievance, but the scene in and of itself was fine. It’s knowing where it leads that makes it more difficult on a viewing now.

Julia: It’s also the beginning of the crack (well, maybe it began with the Spy vs. Spy) that I call “These people have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about.” Like, last week we learned that the feudal order was dumb, right. And that honor specifically was dumb? Well, now we have Badass, tough but fair Tywin telling us why we have to go to war because of the feudal order, and because another family insulted a member of his. You know what that’s called? A matter of honor! So, either we’re all dunderheads who can’t appreciate how their Tywin is not, in fact, being portrayed as a reasonable actor and generally sympathetically, but is instead a biting critique of all the things that come out of his mouth. Or, D&D have no idea what any of these ideas, or their implications, actually are.

Because as it is, it does seem like favoritism. Protecting the feudal order is dumb, unless you’re the Lannisters, they can’t look weak to the other houses. The line of succession is dumb, unless you’re the Lannisters. We wish them well in their attempt to build a dynasty that lasts 1000 years. Honor is dumb, unless you insult a Lannister, then it makes perfect sense for them to kill all your peasants.

At this point, it’s still just a crack, and a more balanced interpretation is possible if you look at just this one scene. But knowing how they’re going to set up Tywin as this ideal player of the game, it’s a crack.

Also, this is the start of Tywin as this earthy, pragmatic, thrifty type, with simple tastes, so unlike those decadent Dornish. Like, maybe Tywin would butcher his own venison, but where are the rubies on the hilt of his hunting knife? And where the fuck is his cloth-of-gold cape?

Danzie: The Lannister favoritism does start to spin out of control later on, but if you look at the Tywin/Jaime scene framed only by what we’ve seen so far in the show’s run up to this point, it’s fine. I think it gets across Tywin’s character quickly and well for what it is. I also think that one person’s perception of honor isn’t the always the same as someone else’s. Ned’s is humble. Tywin’s is prideful.

That being said, the points you make are more than valid. D&D don’t actually understand or care about exploring the themes they Ctrl C + Ctrl V from the books. They’re just copying homework and handing it into the teacher without understanding the assignment. I’d love to live in a world where I can give them credit, but the jig has long been up.

It’s at this point that I’d like to link to Kylie’s wonderful article.

In the end, we’re all a little crazy for even trying to make sense of a show where the creators are pretty clearly not even trying (even when it’s accidentally good by virtue of the strong source material), but on we march.

Kylie: I love that it was the empowered ladies of Horn Hill that pushed me to writing that one.

All I can add is that at least we’re still in the stage of viewing where we can sit back and enjoy Charles Dance’s Tywin for what it is. And yeah, the dude is a huge fucking hypocrite. But the showrunners shouldn’t be; not if we’re supposed to uncritically accept “honor gets you killed.”

Um. So. Should we talk about the arse crack in the plaster, or does it speak for itself?


Danzie: Damnit, Kylie. XD

Remember adaptation?

Julia: They’re still doing pretty well here. They still feel the need to add “honor” to everyone’s lines whenever they’re talking to or about Ned, but there were only two original scenes that I can think of. The first was the scene with Tywin and Jaime, which worked because of Charles Dance and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, but was really kind of nothing—like, they even started killing all the peasants last week, so it’s not like we needed that exposition, and then there was that scene… Other than that, it was mostly a dramatic reading of A Game of Thrones.

Omg, I forgot. Sam really misses girls, you guys. Not his mother and sisters, mind you, who love him for who he is and all that junk, but girls he can ogle without their consent. What great character changes.

“I miss girls. Not even talking to them. I never talked to them. Just looking at them, hearing them giggle. Don’t you miss girls?”

Danzie: Yeah, those lines felt a little weird coming out of Sam’s mouth. Like, I’m sure even book-Sam misses girls to a degree, but I think that a rich boy from the South would be far more concerned with, y’know, SURVIVING his time in The Watch. Even stewards face brutally long days of work in incredibly harsh conditions. It’s not like, an all boys Christian summer camp where you spend half your time sitting around being bored and then go kayaking. He’s settling in remarkably well considering one of his superiors ordered another recruit to beat the shit out of him a couple episode back. But not having tits & ass to look at would suck, am I right young male demographic?

Speaking of the Night’s Watch, this is indeed a big example of where aging up the characters runs into problems. You can’t take the actions of a fifteen-year-old and apply it to someone in their early 20’s/late teens without the context changing massively. A young teenager throwing a fit over not getting what they want is pretty understandable, but when you have a very adult actor depicting these emotions? It gets a lot harder to be sympathetic because a grown-ass man is suddenly throwing a hissy fit on screen over something he really should have known was a possibility before he signed up.

Robb goes on to suffer in the same way. Breaking a political marriage promise by jumping into bed with someone else makes sense (and you could even argue is an almost inevitable action) for someone that young. But when you’re like, twenty-two, the expectation is that you should really know better given what’s at stake.

Griffin: Jon really comes across as the biggest idiot around. According to Kylie that’s not going to change much?

Kylie: I think D&D read “You know nothing, Jon Snow” at face-value.

Danzie: “Jon really comes across as the biggest idiot around… that’s not going to change much?”

Poor, sweet Griffin…

Well, all 2.5 books in Griffin’s case

Julia: At least they’re getting Drogo pretty well. If only there were more people to see that…

Carol Watch: who is Cersei this week?

Kylie: A very, very turned-off Cersei? Wait, no, weaponizing her sexuality is like, Cersei’s MO with men, which is why she has so much self-hatred, too. She sees it as her only use in society and viable card to play, and it’s rather bizarre that they cut her making a pass at Ned.

Then again, they also cut Ned saying, “For a start, I do not kill children.” That was rather crucial to his character. So I’m suspecting D&D didn’t super understand that scene.

Otherwise Cersei was very Cersei in the throne room. Barry’s face when she ripped up Robert’s letter was perfect.

Julia: Yeah, turned-off Cersei is a good way to phrase it. I was watching that scene thinking how Carol she was, how she makes incest seem so reasonable and what any good person would support, but then I realized how she was just quoting Cersei and that made me question everything. I guess it just goes to show how things that seem subtle and unimportant—a couple of omitted lines and actions, a tone—can be so huge.

The throne room scene was perfect, though.


Danzie: Agreed. Mostly book-Cersei, with a dash of Carol.

Griffin: There is no Carol in HR! (I still don’t know the difference, but Carol sounds nice?)

Exposition Imposition: good or clunky?

Danzie: Next question, please.

Kylie: “I do believe my lord’s in love.” / “For many years. Most of my life, really. Play with her arse. And she loved me too.”

I’m sorry; I can’t move past it! I know there were decent things in there, like Dany navigating Essosi trade, and the Night’s Watch vows, but oh my god that overshadows just everything. EVERYTHING.

Julia: They did a much better job in their other scene, but that wasn’t what you would call elegant either. “You will take half our forces to Catelyn Stark’s girlhood home.”

Griffin: I don’t want to talk about the sexposition. Frankly, it’s hard to tell where the character moments end and where the exposition moments begin on this show in general, and not in a good way. I didn’t feel like I was being spoon fed too much, but it’s also hard to keep track of motivations in individual scenes sometimes.

Julia: I’m also not too happy about how Jorah is always explaining Dothraki things to Dany. This is a problem in the books too, as I recall, but you have three Dothraki around her with speaking roles, even apart from Drogo. Use them for god’s sake.

How was the pacing?

Julia: The pacing of the episode was fine, I think. I don’t remember noticing it, and that’s usually a good sign. But am I crazy about the pacing of the Ned-Cersei scene being odd? Please, reassure me/encourage me to seek help.

Kylie: I forgot it opening the episode. That seemed an odd place for it. Then you add in the shot-reverse-shot soap opera framing, and yeah… She kind of jumped to “you win or you die” after a couple back and forths; the heavy hitting moments of that exchange were cut anyway, and then it was done.

Danzie: Yeah, more time really should have been given to the “you win or your die” scene in general. It’s kinda like… one of, if not the penultimate moment of the entire first book. It felt a bit too glossed over considering its importance.

Though, apparently Lena Heady was pregnant during the filming for this scene, which kinda explains the weird shots/editing.

Other than that, I think the pacing was pretty strong.

Julia: I mean, pregnancy tends to last for longer than the time it takes to film one scene. But I guess that’s why she’s been standing with those giant sleeves in front of her all season.

Griffin: It was better than last week. So, “fine”, I guess?

Let’s talk about sex, baby

Danzie: Okay, we’ve done a lot of complaining, but let’s really break this down:

  1. The quality of sex is determined by loudness. By this logic, one should always be screaming directly into one’s partner’s face. Anything less and they’ll just assume you aren’t into them.
  2. Lesbian sex must always include one of the women acting as “the man”.
  3. Make sure your boss is in the room telling you his tragic backstory.
  4. Haha, wait. There’s a “one-eyed Joe” at the Night’s Watch who works the stables?
  5. 70’s porno lighting.
  6. ????
  7. Profit.

Also, while listening to Littlefinger’s friendzoned speech it suddenly dawned on me why certain… sub-sections of the internet champion him. Not that that’s show-Littlefinger exclusive, I just… don’t know how I didn’t realize until now.

Aww, poor guy!

Julia: I like how Ros is mostly just concerned with the cleanliness of her hands throughout the scene. I think I love her.

Griffin: Danzie lays it out better than I could, but it’s just…no. And also somehow incredibly boring and unengaging. It’s like they all sat around a table and thought up the single least sexy way to sex ever. And then did it. REALLY LOUDLY.

Kylie: Well, the point was that it was merely performative, so to even characterize it as lesbian sex is already not particularly accurate… I really don’t know why I’m trying.

Julia: I believe I’m the only one here who’s not female attracted (correct me if I’m wrong) so I don’t think me reiterating how unsexy that scene was will help any. But god, if that scene was meant to titillate, it failed miserably. And can we talk about Littlefinger’s virginity pledge?

Kylie: If there’s one thing I gathered from Littlefinger in the books, it’s that he’s totally sexually reserved because of his pure love. /s

I think “hideously unsexy” is a good way to phrase it, but can I just complain about something really stupid with it for a second? Littlefinger had Ros and the other sex worker practicing on each other so they could practice their moaning that they do with customers. Ros sounded “ridiculous” or something, so he had them switch. Other sex worker moaned while Ros got her off. Then Littlefinger liked that performance, so he said “you’re both working tonight.” But wasn’t Ros’s awkward moaning the problem in the first place? So why is she cleared for work? Doesn’t she still need to practice moaning to his satisfaction?

Why am I analyzing this aspect?

Julia: No, no. I think you just found the plothole that makes the entire season fall apart.

There was also full frontal male nudity this episode. And I think we can all agree that seeing the floppy fish of a man about to be dragged to death is exactly the same as the “play with her ass scene” and the female nudity therein, so all accusations of sexism are invalid.

In memoriam…Robert Baratheon & Stark House guards

Julia: Oh Bobby B. Murdered by a pig.

Kylie: And now everyone gets to taste the boar that got him. I kind of always felt it was weird that Robert’s hunting trip and death scene were split into two episodes. Renly running in like, “come quick!” always felt so random to me.

Julia: Remember a few episodes ago when he was afraid of blood, and now he’s covered in Robert’s and doesn’t seem fussed at all?

Danzie: I think it all would have been a bit too rushed if it was all in one episode. At least Robert got a better death than Stannis. Not that I’m in any way still salty over that…

Griffin: I really don’t understand why they waited to kill the Stark guards in that scene. That whole conversation was a complete waste of everyone’s time if their end goal was to make sure Ned didn’t have the chance to fuck everything up. Shouldn’t Cersei know by now that his commitment to honor is immutable? Shouldn’t most of the higher echelon in King’s Landing?

Kylie: I guess it’s part of highlighting courtly farse? That the whole thing is so performative, and Cersei was trying to give Ned a chance at that. This is, of course, something in the books too. Maybe this is feeble, but sometimes we do need certain dramatic moments as part of storytelling. I don’t think it necessarily violated Cersei’s character in any way. Maybe Carol’s though…

But that’s a good place to leave it. What did everyone else think? Were the big moments here as impactful this time through? Was the arse crack in the plaster as distracting as we’re making it out to be? Let us know in the comments below, and we continue to wish you good fortune in The Wars to Come.


Images courtesy of HBO

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