Here at The Fandomentals, we are rather staunch Game of Thrones (GoT)…er…detractors. We know this might come as a shock.
However, this isn’t because we’re disinterested in the genre or have forgotten our inner child. That’s pretty much all we remember. We also are not the types of people who object to the depiction of upsetting material on principle, because there’s times that such things can be done well and have a valuable takeaway for the reader/watcher. Case in point, we are huge, huge fans of A Song of Ice and Fire (aSoIaF), the books this show is supposedly “based on.”
Sadly for us, the showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss (D&D) seem to be bigger fans of their own, Bold™ ideas than the ones George R.R. Martin put on paper, to the point where we came to realize how the show has absolutely nothing to do with the books, so #StopTheConflation.
There’s many ways you can join in on this totally official campaign, such as yelling incoherently at social gatherings when GoT inevitably comes up, or wearing a t-shirt with the text of Septon Meribald’s “broken man speech” printed on the front in size 6 font (or try this one on for size). But we have another way to set the right tone for fandom dialogue—that is, a tone where aSoIaF could absolutely never be confused with its farblunget adaptation—and that’s by creating a new system of terms and character names.
“Jaime Lannister isn’t on the show,” you’ll tell your third cousins at your grandmother’s birthday party. “Jaime Lannister is a nuanced character whose plotline revolves around his struggle with identity and conception of internal vs. external honor as he adjusts to his new disability while subsequently realizing just how damaging his relationship with his sister has been.” (You speak very fast, of course.) “It’s Larry Lannister who’s on the show: the charmingly befuddled knight who doesn’t blink twice at the demolition of an entire religious organization, but a simple lie to a political enemy is just too far!”
See? It’s fool-proof. Or at least it will prevent us from crying onto our copies of A Dance with Dragons as we’re forced to call that creature Indira Varma played, “Ellaria Sand.” So without further ado, Julia and Kylie give you the Book Snob Glossary and all the ironic trademarks money can buy.
D&D Logic: There are just so many twists and turns in GoT. And don’t forget the shocks! However, where many a viewer may spend time actually, you know, trying to “figure everything out,” we’re here to explain to you that D&D Logic doesn’t exactly conform to Earth Logic. Suggest a truce to your political adversaries when they pose no threat to you and you have nothing to offer them! Appease your murderous sister with judicial murder! Command your army of the dead to forge giants chains! All D&D Logic requires is the opening thought, “wouldn’t it be cool if…” It’s best just to embrace this.
Dramatic Satisfaction: Dramatic Satisfaction is the feeling we get when we
look to the west watch GoT. Our spirits are certainly crying. D&D and their writers Bryan Cogman and Dave Hill work overtime to make sure of it, and boy do they know what the audience loves: gothic horrors! And memes. Thanks!
Plausible Impossibilities: It’s what you, as a storyteller, try to achieve once you realize that you are working on a show that’s doing pretty well, so therefore there’s no incentive to actually put effort into it. People only hate it because they care, and it’s totally better than the horrid impossible plausibilities.
The Off-Screen Zone: A magical plane of existence where everything necessary to drive the plot and/or character development occurs. We promise you it happened, it totally made sense for it to happen, and we don’t understand why you have to be spoon fed everything and insist on seeing it. The Off-Screen Zone is where Sansa, Bran, and Arya bonded and plotted together, and where Deadpan and Jonny fell in love. Cheryl and Eur-off also hang out here a lot as they lay their intense political strategy.
Honeypotting/The Honeypot Phenomenon: As we noted, D&D Logic doesn’t adhere to normal logic, and the Off-Screen Zone is a happening place. That can make watching the show itself quite confusing. Luckily for D&D, their fans are far more intelligent and creative than they are, and willing to think up well thought-out theories in an attempt to make sense of everything. In other words…they’re doing the writers’ jobs.
The most famous example of this, and the titular example for that reason, was that of the “Lannister Honeypot Theory,” where everyone figured that Talisa was such a stupid invention on the part of D&D that there had to be more to her than met the eye. Once she began writing letters in Volantine to her mommy, the theory was that she was really a Lannister spy sent to seduce Robb into breaking his vows; a honeypot trap set by Tywin to enable the Red Wedding to occur.
But no. Like Talisa, the Lannister Honeypot Theory was stabbed repeatedly in 03×09. She was exactly what she appeared: a noblewoman from Volantis who was such an awesome feminist that she would walk around battlefields without a chaperone, sass-talking a king.
It may be tempting to honeypot things along the way such as, “Sansa and Arya are totally playing Littlefinger with this animosity.” Nope. Arya wanted to cut her face off and wear it. “It would make way more sense if a week had passed North of the Wall for the raven to fly to Dragonstone.” Yes, it would makes more sense. And yet it was totally just one night. Would that we had honeypotters actually writing the scripts instead, because then we’d probably have a coherent show.
Weisseroff’s Razor: Weisseroff’s razor is how we know that honeypots are never accurate — they’re far too clever by a half. On GoT, it’s always the most idiotic and straight-forward answer possible. Trust us. Weisseroff’s Razor demands it.
Reverse Honeypotting: Honeypots can sort of be thought of as very intelligent stories or plot-points that D&D didn’t tell. However, a reverse honeypot is when there’s a story that is told, usually due to Unfortunate Implications, that D&D had no effing clue was on our screens (else maybe some of these implications would have actually had follow-ups). Our favorite example of a Reverse Honeypot is the noble tale of Hizdahr zo Sansa (may he rest in peace), and his completely awesome, Sansa-in-A Clash of Kings-esque, resistance narrative. Our least favorite example of a Reverse Honeypot is where Tommen was a rape victim of Margaery Tyrell, and his suicide was a horrific exploration of why we have statutory laws. There’s many stories in between, too.
The Checklist Effect: Who cares about context, themes, or characterizations? The stuff that happens in a story can be viewed as a discrete set of plot-points to tick off. And those who do successfully tick them off are therefore great adaptors living at the spirit of the original author! We can point to things in the past like Jon’s death or the existence of Arthur Dayne, but now that we’re beyond the books (in many ways) it becomes hard to to parse out what is a checkbox in the first place. Jonny’s parents are Rhaegar and Lyanna? Well let’s tick that one off by having an expo-dump over a sex scene. We can’t wait to get our copies of The Winds of Winter and see just how well these masters of drama adapted some discrete plot points.
Plot Theory of Relativity: In any frame of reference, time will progress exactly as fast as plot demands. No more, no less. This includes the flying speed of ravens and the running speed of Gendrys.
Empowered™ Women: In Weisseroff, women are strong in the D&D way. They can, for example, become a Total Badass™, who is either an awesome warrior or just a chick getting high off of violence. There’s nothing more empowering, and reasonable, than slaying all those awful dudes. That’s what feminism is. Bonus points for mocking the “feminine” traits of others. Who needs to knit socks? The other way is to be a super sexy manipulator. Even more bonus points if you use your wiles to manipulate a child. There are no other options, unless you are a very rare-breed of time-traveling feminist field nurse.
Real Men™: In Weisseroff, men are Strong™. They kill men. They have sex. They win over a boat-full of their countrymen for stupid missions by beating people to death. They never show weakness, or fear. It’s almost as though all they do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck. Oh wait…
Hot Potato: D&D’s favorite game! Let’s set up plotlines and forget about them! Or at least for a few seasons, until they run out of things to do and want to pick them back up again! What happened to half of Stannis’s army that just pissed off at the end of autumn in the heart of the North? Wait, what’s Gendry doing here? Who’s ruling Porne now? Where do Edmures go?
Subtle Pie: D&D don’t care much for humble pie, but boy are they skilled at the art of subtlety. Could there possibly be DRAGONGLASS on DRAGONSTONE? However can we gently clue the audience in on Jonny’s parentage? However can we gently clue the audience in on Jonny’s parentage…AGAIN? Where are Walder Frey’s missing sons? *wink*
Shocking™ Moments: Even though subtlety is great, sometimes D&D don’t want the sneaky audience to see their big moments coming. Therefore, they keep everyone guessing by having characters pull random 180°’s that make us gasp. We did not see that coming! Because we could not see that coming. Because you literally presented the opposite situation to us and then just randomly flipped it. Wow. Give them all the Emmys.
The Key Jingling Effect: Hey guys, wouldn’t it be awesome if we had an ICE DRAGON made of CGI? What a stunning shot of Larry charging towards a dragon? A bonus to all this SUPER AWESOMENESS is that just like jingling keys in front of a baby, it will make the audience forget about all of the offensive or illogical bull you’ve pulled on them, and they will decide that you are the best writers ever. Well…usually, at least.
The 600 Masks Effect/Shiny Shiny: News flash, GoT has a ginormous budget. Great things can be done with the amount of money they have at their disposal. Like the famous 600 unique masks in the Hall of Faces in Season 5. Unfortunately, some of the budget allocation decisions made are… questionable. For instance, as awe-inspiring as that Beauty and the Beast library was for Sam, why did it even exist when his plotline was somehow less significant than a beer fart? We can question the value of an ice dragon at the cost of all logic as well, but hey. That might just be D&D Logic at its fullest effect.
Outside the Episodes: Because of all the characters who “earned it off-screen,” there are times that D&D must provide interviews that help explain what they just wrote. These “Outside the Episode” specials are particularly insightful. Did you know Arya saying “that’s not you” to Nymeria (and making half the fandom think it, in fact, wasn’t her) was just a fun season 1 callback? Or that the Plot Convenience Pond during the wight trip was a result of them writing the plotline backwards? Or that Deadpan burning people alive is her being a rational actor? Neither did we, but thank the Seven we have the Outside the Episodes to tell us.
Steve the Intern: Poor Steve. After finding out that his doctorate in Comparative Literature with an emphasis on Folklore and Mythology was worth little to employers, he was thrilled to get an unpaid internship in the Game of Thrones writers’ room, because such is the state of our world. But things quickly went south for poor Steve. He was told to produce a three page summary of A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons, which he managed by using size 8 font, but he’s quite sure D&D didn’t even read that. He spends most of this time trying to explain to Dave Hill what a literary theme is, but he just gets blank looks in return.
Weisseroff: A magical place with size and population fluctuations according to the needs of the episode. Patriarchy doesn’t exist in Weisseroff, except when it does for a woman to be raped, or when Walder Frey needs a new child bride. Sometimes Weisseroff is a loose collection of feudal holdings, and sometimes it’s a Nation State that people can be citizens of and feel loyalty towards. There’s also a bullet train system or something that runs off the power of the Plot Relatively Field. Also everyone is terrible to each other and everything sucks.
Winterhell: Winterhell is a castle that once resembled Winterfell, the castle where the Stark family happily lived and ruled. However in Winterhell, all the Starks randomly hate each other (except when they don’t) and will gleefully bring up each other’s traumas to freak their siblings out (except if they’ve worked through everything off-screen). The Northern Lords get incredibly confused at Winterhell from all the Stark fighting and agree with whoever speaks last and loudest. But hey, at least they got the castle back from those jerk Boltons!
The Riverblands: Oh look, these exist again. Wait…no. No they don’t. The riverblands are in a pocket dimension of Weisseroff that can be warped in and out of from anywhere at will. Apparently, J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Shire was situated in one small area of the riverblands, where winter is far away, and Hot Pie and Ed Sheeran were quite content. But now that every single Frey has been murdered, this geographical region may as well not exist. Again.
Riverroundabout: The ancestral home of the Tullys where Edmure may or may not be hanging out alive in, and which may or may not ever be mentioned again.
Carol’s Landing: Carol’s Landing is where Carol lives.
Cheryl’s Landing: Cheryl’s Landing is where Cheryl lives. And rules.
Casterly Castle: Casterly Castle is the ancestral home of the Lannisters, which didn’t have a sewage system until Tyrion created one fifteen years ago. Tywin built this stronghold from the ground up, probably from a Build A Generic Castle Lego set 6085-1. Though that silly forgot to put a moat in! What an impregnable fortress.
The Abandoned Isle of Sexual Tension: This island, just east of Cheryl’s Landing, is so unimportant that no one bothered to guard it. Or live there. However, when Deadpan returned to claim this ancestral seat of her house, the doors had luckily been left unlocked. Now she’s able to have her boyfriend over for some sexy eye-schtupping as she sits atop her geologically significant throne. At some point, Children of the Forest doodled some stick figures in the mines full of DRAGONGLASS. These are very scary stick figures that can convince political rulers to shift their entire plans, so proceed with caution.
The Plot Convenience Pond: North of the Wall strange things can happen. Like little dinky islands willing themselves into existence in the middle of little dinky ponds. At the Plot Convenience Pond, time passes based on emotion experience, so that a group can experience just one night, while the rest of the continent experiences what must be weeks. The Plot Convenience Pond also has a very specific freezing temperature based entirely on narrative requirements. When main characters fall in, it conveniently heats up to prevent hypothermia. We suppose.
Olenna’s Cottage: Our Dowager Sasstress has the finest house in all of Weisseroff, but an army who can’t fight because they like flowers, making it the worst defensive stronghold. If only they grew grapes instead maybe those Lannister forces would have slipped on the steps. At least the cottage has the right ambiance for heart-to-hearts.
Oldtown State: Give us a C! Give us an I! Give us a T! Give us ADEL! The fightin’ white ravens offer the best in higher education. Their Maester College is particularly renowned, with its aspiring scholars sharpening their most important skills: emptying chamber pots, slopping soup, and cleaning up after other people’s science experiments. The professors at Oldtown State are second-to-none. These old skeptics are so genre-savvy that they know exactly what plot-relevant books to hide in the restricted section of the library, right next to their copy of Moste Potente Potions.
Horn Faire: The Horn Faire is such fun to attend! It’s where empowered women assert their Empowerment™. Like Tiffany Tarly, who is probably now ruling The Reach with her imaginary sisters and extra bedrooms.
Porne: Porne is a small area shaped like the birthmark on a man’s ass that consists of the Water Gardens and some desert. It was conceived when someone involved in the production asked their racist grandmother from 1880 what “the orient” was like. There are three things the Pornish do: have sex, kill and/or mutilate people with little or no reason (bonus points for family members), and talk with a goofy accent. We’re actually not sure who’s running Porne right now, since their maybe-Princess Faullaria…Sand? Uller? is mostly dead. But she had ten thousand brothers and sisters, so we shouldn’t be too worried.
Simplified Bay of Dragons: Remember that entire region that Deadpan Cardborn invaded and ruled, and then pissed off from, leaving it in the hands of her unqualified sellsword boyfriend? We’re sure Faabio Naharis is keeping things running well! Also, somewhere in the area are the now-super empowered Dosh Khaleen, who had their patriarchy burned to the ground. Wait…why are they still stuck in Vaes Dothrak?
GoT is rather known for its sprawling cast, so as a result, we have subdivided this section by character locations in Season 7. More or less. There was a lot of teleporting, but we did what we could.
Very Northern Theater
Shogun: The Lord of the White Walkers. This guy can raise the dead, is great with babies, and looks damn stylin’ in his samurai armor. He’s also able to train wights how to swim and forge metal. He got himself a sweet Icebound Frostbrood Vanquisher to ride, so take his loot seriously, please.
Skyr: Skyr is an industrious troop leader who even lets lost boy scouts follow him. He’s a father of about fifteen.
Benjen Coldhands: OMG it’s Benjen! We’ve seen him before, you guys! He can kill skeletons and tell stories about himself! Why D&D opted to adapt the one fan-theory that Martin has staunchly rejected is beyond us, but I guess they just know about Dramatically Satisfying media more. Aaaand he’s gone.
Beardy: We don’t know who this Icelandic fellow with an impressive beard is, or why people are calling him “Tormund.” As far as we can tell, he has no personality traits whatsoever, with the exception of intense homophobia. It’s okay Beardy, we get it. You’re not gay. You don’t have to beat anyone to death or creep on any women that are clearly disinterested in you to prove it. Calm it down. It’s pussy for you.
The Brotherhood with Vague Continuity: Formerly the “Brotherhood Without Continuity,” these merry men finally managed to be in two seasons in a row, and with same motivation: going north. Horray! They’re great for rounding out any RPG group with their priest and paladin.
The Canine: This jolly companion of the Brotherhood without Continuity is good at digging graves and seeing incredibly detailed preview footage of Episode 6 in a fire. We’re sure there’s significance to this because of his scar, and because we were told there was. Unfortunately, whatever this significance is hasn’t manifested in any sort of character development, since he still fixates on killing his brother, just like in Season 1. Bad doggie!
Vincent Expendable: Poor guy, you barely beamed up North before you were cruelly taken from this world. If only you had been given one line of dialogue.
BranBot 1000: This cyborg is basically a sitting CCTV department who will let anyone watch his screens if they ask nicely. However, robots cannot love, and it’s very sad for all of us, especially Meera. Robots also cannot understand human trauma and will accidentally freak out their siblings by recounting their histories at inappropriate times.
The Three Eyed Raven: It’s difficult to explain.
Brittany Stark: Sansa fans rejoice! D&D have finally settled on a character for Sophie Turner to play, and it’s Brittany, bitch! She is awesome and the only one who knows how to do literally anything. From making breastplates to screening visitors to making all the socks that Lyanna Mormont is too empowered to sew, Brittany proves herself as the only person who should be trusted to make the slightest decision. That includes her dumbass half-brother, who was such a present King in the North that he’s not even in this section of the glossary.
Sadly, the world isn’t ready for Brittany’s empowerment, and she still gets blamed for stuff she did years ago while under duress. This also makes her disloyal and exactly like Cheryl.
Arya Todd: Attend the tale of Arya Todd. She learned to assail from abroad. She stole the faces of noblemen, who never thereafter were heard from again. She trod a path that few have trod…did Arya Todd. The Empowered™ assassin of the Starks.
She made her home in Winterhell. She kept skins in bags to hide their smell. And what if Sansa displayed competency? She’d expose her “crimes” for all Lords to see. For family warmth she deserves a nod…does Arya Todd. The Empowered™ assassin of the Starks.
Swing your Needle wide, Arya! Swing it to the skies! Freely flows the blood of foes, except Ed Sheeran!
Lyanna, the Littlest Feminist: Lyanna Mormont knows what’s dumb! Sewing! Also anything vaguely feminine and/or pragmatic. This awesome training-bra-burner understands how everyone should be soldiers consuming resources, and nobody should produce anything because that’s for stupid girls. This makes her very feminist. Every time she speaks, everyone agrees with her right away, because of the girth of her empowerment.
The Wind-Vane Lords: You might think the Northern Lords have convictions, since the Northern Lords are super duper loyal, and at one point we were told “the North Remembers.” But nope. These wind-vane lords just agree with whoever spoke last. When their king has left for more than 24 hours, they want to support whoever is there instead.
Batfinger: Batfinger is a mysterious man. He has a voice like the Marlboro Man and an accent that…morphs on a sliding scale between Lucky the Leprechaun and Captain Barbosa. As of Season 7, his teleporter was stolen, which means that he gets stuck against his Wall Spot of Sneaking. He creates chaos because chaos is a ladder, but he also has a vision board of marrying Brittany and sitting the Iron Throne. The best way to do this is to make her not like her sister, for reasons. In the end though, Batfinger felt what it was to be a GoT viewer, when a random bait-and-switch was his undoing. Let’s hope he found that shock dramatically satisfying.
Brienne the Brute: She added so much. Also she’s not overly concerned with honor. That sounds right!
Pod the Rod: It’s very important that all viewers of GoT understand that Pod has a magical cock. Everyone wants to suck it, and we need to have this crucial point come up at least once a season. Do your part and spread awareness of Pod. And his penis. Which is magical.
Jonny, King in the North: See entry in Abandoned Isle of Sexual Tension section, as he only spent a weekend here.
Abandoned Isle of Sexual Tension
Deadpan Card-born: Technically, her full name is “Deadpan Card-born, the Unemotional, Queen of Simplified Bay, Queen of the Anachronisms and the Clichéd, Khaleesi of Faux-Empowerment, Breaker of Suspended Disbelief, and part-time Mother of Dragons.” And boy is she Empowered™! Look how dignified and confident she is! Watch as she talks about breaking the wheel for the umpteenth time without once changing her expression! Watch her stand in the background and nod as men explain her plans to her! Now, Deadpan might be a bit crazy—those darn women, amirite?—but she’s not like, Cheryl crazy. You see, she has the redeeming quality of listening to Saint Tyrion. Now that’s what we call empowerment!
Jonny Cardboard: Jonny Cardboard is a king now! And only kings can talk to Khaleesis. Except everyone else who does. So that totally justifies why this unproblematic action hero abandoned his kingdom two days after getting the gig, so he could march his face into yet another trap that he was warned about by his much smarter sister. Don’t worry though: this mouth-breather extraordinaire never tells lies ever. He’s like George Washington! Or maybe the cherry tree with that wooden acting. Either way, his staunch commitment to idiocy and always revealing his hand (apparently) makes us totally understand why people follow him, and why we should be excited that he’s secretly the RIGHTFUL HEIR OF WEISSEROFF. Here’s hoping no one’s trying to break the wheel or claiming that throne could get awkward.
Oh yeah, he was also dead for half a second, though since he doesn’t seem to care about it, we’re not sure why we should either.
#BoatSex: The official shipname of Jonny and Deadpan. When has your auntie/nephew combo ever? These two have such crackling sexual chemistry that everyone around them ships this, just in case the audience missed it. We have a sneaking suspicion that it’s so well-written, D&D actually got help from their buddy George Lucas.
Saint Tyrion: Saint Tyrion is the unproblematic fave who can do no wrong, even when he does wrong and it’s there for all to see on the screen. He totally respects the personhood of sex workers and the contribution they make to the economy! Because #notallmen! He’s also mad sorry that he killed his father. He had no choice! However, Saint Tyrion lately has been in a bind. You see, there’s an out-of-control woman, and only he can save the day by explaining how to use her dragons more. It’s so stressful for him to be the emotional core of this administration. Let’s not even touch his unrequited love for her, that was 100% in evidence.
Varys Marx: Smallfolk of the World Unite! Varys Marx is some random eunuch from Lys who is REALLY into fiscal responsibility and kissing Saint Tyrion’s ass. He’s so committed to good governance that, after meeting Illyrio Mopatis in a “Robert Totes Sucks Club” meeting, he and his “colleague” decided that Viserys Targaryen was the way to go and that a plan to invade Westeros with an army of rapists who are afraid of water would totally work. And now Deadpan is the way to go, because she’s so good at listening to Saint Tyrion. You see, it’s always been about the good of realm for him, and she can respect that, just like we’re sure Viserys would have. Varys Marx is really glad he doesn’t have “debts of affection,” or a backstory or anything like that to complicate matters.
MissWorm: The ship name for Missandei and Grey Worm, a touching and genuine romance that we suspect was written by Ronald D. Moore.
Meli-sans-bra: This red priestess once had a great time flashing the camera every chance she got, but ever since the reveal that she’s OLD, they’re staying firmly in her robes. Instead, her hobbies now include shipping Deadpan, staring sadly off into the middle-distance, and pissing off when the writers can’t come up with anything for her to do. Fear not though: she will die in Weisseroff, so we’re sure to see her again. That’s some pretty deft foreshadowing.
Ironboor: The inhabitants of the Iron Islands have a deep and rich culture, which includes tending their lush forests and following the men who speak about their genitals. In fact, genitalia figures very prominently into their leadership selection process, so long as what’s between their legs can be turned into a fighting strength.
Yara, the Swashbuckling
Lesibian Bisexual: Finally, the positive representation we’ve been waiting for.
Princess Faullaria Sand (or maybe Uller?): Showberyn’s beloved paramour, Faullaria Sand hates timid sex and loves the torturing of small children in the name of revenge. In fact, her defining feature may be her love of revenge. She loves it so much that she will murder Showberyn’s whole family and name herself the Princess of Porne (maybe?), because that’s what he would have wanted. It worked out so well for her. We’d say that this was intricate commentary on the futility of revenge, except her downfall was someone else’s revenge. It’s clearly too deep for us to comprehend.
The Sand Fakes: Who are these three women? And which one is which? Whatever, they’ve been meditating about it a lot and decided that for a change of pace, they want revenge. FOR SHOWBERYN! The Fakes have quirky, individualized weapons and the inability to be nice to one another. They’re very useful at being an object lesson of “hoisted by your own petard.” So significant.
Snake-Fu: A unique style of fighting practiced only in Porne that includes futile spinning, futile spinning of weapons, and futile mincing steps. All weapons must be dipped with boner-activated poisons. Snake-Fu is dizzying, yet deadly, and can drop a dude twice your size with a single small blade to the back. If you reach an especially high level, then you get to learn the ultimate skill: double sword spinning! However, it is a Snake-Fu rule that eventually, you will fall to your own weapon. #poetry
Carol Lannister: Carol is a relatable, struggling super-mom. She is a devoted mother to her kids Chase, Madison, and TomTom. And a victim. She lost a baby and sympathizes with Cat Stark about it. But then she also lives her life believing a prophecy that her first baby should have negated. She almost had to poison her son to prevent him from being harmed more. And now… she tried to protect her kids and rule wisely and well, but the patriarchy was just too much for her. But being slut-shamed by fanatics won’t stop our Unproblematic Fave from trying her best to do her job. Even if the cool kids all leave the table when she sits down, or her uncle banishes her to the gallery, or her son changes the law to screw her over. Poor Carol!
Cheryl Lannister: When you push a super-mom too far… She randomly morphs into a mass murderer in metal shoulder pads. Cheryl likes wine, blowing things up, torturing enemies, and she knows a cardigan is a great alternative to a blazer in a business casual environment. She’s an entirely reasonable actor given the political nightmare she’s found herself in, but everyone around her believes that she’s horrible and insane, which we’re sure has nothing to do with that thing that starts with “s” and ends in “exism.” Luckily for Cheryl, the smallfolk are okay with her, since she’s freed them from superstition. What a classic!
Larry Lannister: Larry Lannister is a charmingly befuddled knight. The second-oldest Lannister deserves our pity, because he seems to operate in a continual state of confusion. He’s lucky that he has his long-term girlfriend, Cheryl, to patiently explain everything for him. Larry loves Cheryl, but he’s beginning to think she’s a little bit problematic. Not because she blew up the entire religious institution of Cheryl’s Landing, or that she gets sexually turned on by violence…those are normal bumps in the road. But one time Cheryl lied to Jonny Cardboard, her political adversary. Unforgivable.
The Cherry Bomb: This fetus from the OTP (Cheryl+Larry=Cherry) added so much to the show! Such as…granting its mother anachronistic knowledge of fetal alcohol syndrome. We await the Cherry Bomb with baited breath, and hope for a future where they can marry the #BoatSex spawn.
The Bro-nns: Larry goes nowhere without his best bud, Bronn, and together, they bro it up all over Weisseroff. Bronn, however, is hopelessly in love with Larry. He tries to put on the face of a hardened mercenary, but he just can’t seem to quit him! Maybe genital jokes will throw Larry off the scent.
Dickon Tarly Redux: Dickon? Dick-on. Hee hee hee.
Dowager Sasstress: Poor Carol may have to deal with the patriarchy, but if you’re sassy, like our beloved Dowager Sasstress, then you get to suddenly be the head of the House you married into, as well as the Lord Paramount of the Reach. (Or something.) The Dowager Sasstress is dead now, but her sassy ways will live on and empower us all. #BeADragon
Eurovision: This big bad, who totally makes Ramsay Sue look like a little kid, is running late for a My Chemical Romance concert. However, he has the power of ~illusions~ on his side, and an armada that can magically teleport wherever the plot needs it to. He may have a different personality every episode, but that’s because “All of the psychopaths I’ve met in my lifetime have multiple personalities”. We’re not sure why he does anything at all, but that’s just part of the ~mystery~. Except for potentially having butt sex with Cheryl, which would totally compel anyone to attack Unsullied at Casterly Castle. We’d go on, but he spent the night dancing and is drunk, we suppose. If it looks like he’s laughing, he’s really just asking to leave.
Showboating Sam: Showboating Sam was so happy to finally achieve his dream of arriving at the improbably giant library in Oldtown State, but college life isn’t all that he expected it to be. First he has to clean up poop, then those stodgy old maesters won’t let him into the restricted section! But after curing Greyscale Jorah of an incurable disease, (re)discovering how to save the world from Ice Demons, and having his girlfriend stumble upon a political bombshell about his best bud, he decides that this is lame and he should take his father’s advice, drop out, and go be the Real Man™ we all know he is.
Gilly in a Corner: Gilly’s still here, we guess. This once-assertive dame still likes to read. We guess that’s what she does all day while her boyfriend is in class. They belong together, after all, so there’s no way she only exists for him to vent his own frustrations at.
The Amazing Expandable Baby: While originally it seemed like good ol’ Sam-Sam Parr had been shrinking given his perpetual infanthood while Madison Lannister wasted away for years in Porne, it’s now clear that there was no problem at all! Gilly’s son simply has the magical ability to grow and shrink at will. Watch him be suddenly big enough to laugh at Sam’s emotional breakdown. Don’t worry though, he’ll never get too old to actually need characterization or lines. That’d be really inconvenient.
Ser Hilariously Friend-zoned/Greyscale Jorah: We had concerns that Jorah would no longer be hilariously friend-zoned ever since he became infected with the plague. However, as everyone who reads secret Maester books knows, the key to curing yourself of a disease so deadly that the nobility sent their infected family members off to a colony to die is simply proper exfoliation. Once Showboating Sam had him all sparkling new, Jorah was ready to once again be hilariously friend-zoned. Though he seems oddly fine with it now. Yes. It is his lot in life and this is very romantic.
Maester Slughorn: Maester Slughorn doesn’t know anything about White Walkers, and he wouldn’t tell you even if he did! His pedagogical practices could use a bit of honing, but damn if he can’t spot an alcoholic’s liver.
Prince Ragger: Ragger’s favorite A Song of Ice and Fire character is Viserys Targaryen, and he makes sure to always cosplay as Harry Lloyd’s interpretation of him, even during his wedding. Ragger is very by-the-book, making sure to legally annul his marriage to the mother of two of his children/future heirs to the Iron Throne in a procedure that only one person knew about. That totally covers his ass so that he can marry Liability Stark for love in the middle of a civil war while his family slaughters hers. It’s LOVE.
Lady Liability Stark: We know oh-so-much about Lady Liability. She rides horses and was nice to a young Hodor. She’s totally developed and not at all just a pretty vehicle for Jonny’s Pop Secret Audience Surprise! Who wouldn’t screw over their wife and the entire line of succession for her?
A Jon: Ragger’s favorite name in the whole wide world is Jon, so much so that he’s tried to have not one, but two sons named this. However, every time he suggests it to his baby mama(s), he phrases it as, “he’s a Jon to me!”, which hilariously keeps being misheard as “Aegon.” Why else would this name be repeated? In a twist of dramatic irony, Ned, by trying to distance Liability’s baby from his ~secret Targaryen identity~, ended up giving Jon the name Ragger always intended.
There you have it, the official Book Snob Glossary. May you be strong like our patron saint Book Snob Shireen, and never cease to evoke these terms in your quest to stop the conflation of A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones. If you’re lucky, you might even get to explain to someone what a literary theme is.