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Ballad of the Bastards Part 1: The North Can’t Be Bothered




Someone tell the story, someone sing the song. Every now and then adaptations…go a little wrong. Every now and then Villain Sues are bound to come along.

Well guys, this is it. The big one. The one we’ve all been waiting for. After spending the past seven months revisiting each of the plotlines from Game of Thrones Season 6, Julie (Kylie and Julia, of course) are finally ready to take on the emotional, and financial, heart of the show: the thrilling send-off for Ramsay Sue. Oh and Jonny Snow is there too. And some chick with red hair.

That’s right, we’re back in Winterhell, and just as thrilled!

Like always, our goal is to consider the story in isolation from the rest of the season, so that we can truly understand what showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss (D&D) were hoping to achieve on a character level. For that reason, we must take you through the events of this plotline, and we promise this time that we’re going to rein it in. However, since this theater does encompass the storyline of two major characters (or at least, the marketing says so) plus the ~~ultimate villain~~, this section will only be a recap, with our analysis in Part 2: Why Did You Do It Jonny? and Part 3: Sansa, Interrupted.

The Players

We know you’re eager to get into our

But first, let’s go over the players of this dramatically satisfying drama.

Like always, the full explanation behind these exceedingly clever fandom nicknames can be found in our book snob glossary. We should also note that a lack of a fandom nickname does not mean that a character is well adapted…it just means that Julie ran out of energy. Much like the North, she just couldn’t even after a certain point.

So with that out of the way, let’s make like the Manderlys and hole up for a while. Though unlike the Manderlys, we promise you won’t regret it.

“He Died For Us”

We begin exactly where we started at the end of last season. Like exactly the same place. Jonny Cardboard is still full of fresh stab wounds, but all his assailants decided to go find some soup instead.

Rover’s plaintive cries bring Davos running out. Apparently the mutineers were kind enough to lock him in a room, free of stab wounds. Too bad they weren’t embarking on D&D’s mission to save the CGI budget. We are treated to at least 20 seconds of slow body-moving, as Davos, Dolorous Edd, and a few randos we’ve never seen before rush to Jon’s aid. Burnt screentime is going to be a common theme here for the next few episodes.

Once Jonsicle is safely in the room with Rover, The Room of Plot Requirement, the boys discuss their predicament. We guess Davos really really bonded with Jonny (off-screen, of course), because he’s suddenly super protective of his body, and protective against inexplicable danger. He knows he’s dead, right? Dolorous Edd is especially dolorous, because these randos in the room are the only people they can trust, despite Jonny having just won the popular vote, like, two weeks ago. (What IS the timeline?) Also, trust them with what? What is happening?

No, really, for the next couple of episodes, we’re supposed to accept the premise that Thorne and the other mutineers are going to kill Davos, Edd, and the randos, so they must hide themselves with Jonsicle in The Room of Plot Requirement. We don’t know if this is because they want to kill all of Jonny’s friends, if it’s because they’re truly after Rover (not that he’s mentioned even once in the dialogue), or if Thorne is after Jonny’s body for no reason and Davos & Co. are big deterrents. We have watched this twice and spent longer than we care to admit trying to figure it out. There’s no in-verse explanation for why anyone is acting this way. We’re touched that the randos are willing to die on this hill of Jonny’s body, but power to them.

Mel pops into the room and is all, “oh I just realized that my visions were about Jon, not Stannis.”

Meanwhile, Thorne is giving a rousing meeting to the rest of the Night’s Watch, who are all reasonably upset that their Lord Commander with a mandate is dead. Somehow Thorne is able to spin his betrayal into collective responsibility, because apparently “We committed treason. All of us.” This could be about the Wildlings, we suppose. He owns up to murdering Jon, but points out how he never disobeyed an order, so it’s really just a wash. Smart Lord Commanders explicitly instruct their men not to stab them.

It’s important to note that there are five or six Olly reaction shots through all of this, though sadly the kid’s been demoted to extra, so he has no lines. The gist is, Wildlings suck, and everyone else needs to stop fixating on the whole “murder” thing. This is 100% convincing to them.

Back in the Room of Plot Requirement, Davos suddenly remembers, “oh wait, those thousands of Wildlings who are about twenty feet from The Wall probably still like Jonny. They’d be totally willing to help us protect his corpse!” Edd volunteers as tribute and goes to get them, while Davos instructs the randos to bar the door and hope they don’t have blasters.

Who are you??

Getting bored? Good, it’s time to leave The Wall and head to Winterhell proper, where we have the privilege to witness Ramsay Sue eulogizing Myranda, his other abuse victim, for at least a minute. We appreciate that Iwan Rheon needs clips in his reel, but seriously? Ramsay seems legitimately sad, and if we’re seriously meant to pity the guy, we’re going to scream. Though it ends with him feeding her corpse to his dogs, so we’re sure it’s just to remind us how evhul he is.

Roosey B. doesn’t think so, though. He’s super impressed with the heroics of the real protagonist in Winterhell, since last he checked, Ramsay Sue gave them a decisive victory against Stannis. However, he also woke up and realized “Huh. We committed treason by marrying my son to Sansa Stark, who is wanted by the crown.” He sort of frames it as Ramsay’s fault, even though he was totally the dipshit sending ravens to Batfinger to arrange this, of all people. Whatever, apparently Sansa is really important and they can’t hold the North without her. This was totally obvious in Season 5. And we’re sure it will amount to something here…

Also, Roose’s wife is pregnant and might have a boy! Which he reminds Ramsay of! Again! Who doesn’t love painting bullseyes on loved ones?

Just outside Winterhell, the Key to the North is running with Theon to an epic soundtrack, until horrors! A frozen river! This face of Sansa, Fansa, is easily intimidated by things like this, and says she can’t cross it because it’s too cold. Theon insists it’s the only way to lose the dogs chasing them. (We’re torn, because Fansa being passive is really annoying, but at the same time this does seem like a sure-fire way to get hypothermia and die.) However, he was totally wrong, because after they cross, the dogs tracking them still find them in a matter of seconds. We’re not sure how; they had a foolproof hiding spot.

I am hiding in a tree, I’m a fragment of the day.

Theon decides he needs to create a diversion to let Fansa run for it, though she needs a lot of convincing since, “I won’t make it without you.” Again, we’re torn, because The Wall should be quite a ways away, and yeah, this face of Sansa doesn’t seem up to it. But also, fucking really?

Doesn’t matter, Theon’s heroic sacrifice amounts to nothing, since the dogs find Fansa literally right away. Never fear! Brienne the Brute is here in the nick of time! Good thing her telepathy allowed her to realize that Fansa and Theon had left Winterhell. “It’s a bloody woman!” one of Ramsay’s dudes shouts, because he’d be able to parse that out with a charging blur.

After a scene where everyone gets to do some slaughterin’ except for Fansa (this includes the literally hobbled Theon), Brienne offers her services once again. Fansa accepts her, but not before she gets a nod of approval from Theon, and Pod needs to remind her how the words of the oath go. We guess courtly ritual isn’t something Fansa excels at.

Back at The Wall, Thorne still REALLY wants the Jonsicle and he’s willing to negotiate for it, giving Davos and the randos “until nightfall” to leave The Room of Plot Requirement. Davos seems to think they’re dead either way, but at least they have a few solid hours for no reason. The randos say that Edd is their only hope, but Davos insists, “no, there is another.” He means Melisansbra.

We cut to her sitting in front of the fireplace, looking like she could really use a nap. So she does! End scene.

Oh yeah, she also takes off all her clothes to be super restful, and we learn that she’s an incredibly old woman. The horror of her saggy boobs closes the episode.

*Cue dramatic music*

Luckily you won’t need to be kept in suspense for a week, since when we pick back up in “Home,” we learn that “It’s time, Ser Davos.” That’s right, nightfall came, so now Thorne is ready to bust down the door for…reasons. Inside The Room of Plot Requirement, we learn that Shireen’s book snob ways rubbed off on Davos, since he apologizes to the audience for what they’re about to see. We don’t know what this is either, buddy.

You know who’s also ready to tear down a door? Wun Wun the burninator. Yup. In the nick of time (another of D&D’s favorite motifs), all the Wildlings come pouring through the southern entrance. “Yo. Stop it,” they say. “Aight,” Thorne’s men say, except Olly, who hilariously lunges at Beardy. We get that he’s a traumatized kid, but given the melodrama of that moment in a situation that is the narrative equivalent of a glass of milk spilling over, we can’t really help but find some amusement.

And yeah, that’s it. Thorne never considered that the thousands of people who just poured in through the gates, his main grievance, might have a slight issue with the murder of the dude who saved them from the ice demons.


Beardy is taken to Jonsicle and has the only sane reaction that anyone’s had to this corpse so far, which is to say that it should be burnt. Because why are they hanging onto a corpse?

Back in Winterhell… As impossible as it is to believe, what remained of Ramsay’s 20 Good Men were unable to locate Sansa and Theon, probably because she’s always shifting into another part of the Sansa Stark Construct. But the good news is that Lord Karstark is there, and he is totally into the Boltons because he wants “new blood in the North.” Wonder where he was last season, unless he was also cool with Stannis taking the North. New blood all around!

Roose also suddenly realizes that his son is kind of out of control and yells at him for being a “mad dog.” Even though in this particular scene, he’s being super reasonable. It sort of seems like he’s even the reason Lord Karstark is there. For instance, Ramsay points out that Jonny Snow is a huge threat to the Bolton claim, despite being a bastard. And he’s…right? We’re agreeing with Ramsay Sue? What is happening?!

The maester decides to interrupt this on-screen character transformation (growth?) with some important news: Walda gave birth and it’s a BOY. Ramsay offers a congratulatory hug, and it’s kind of sweet (uh) because Roose assures him that this won’t change anything—Ramsay will always be his first born.

Oh well, SHANKED.

And yes, D&D brilliantly paralleled Roose stabbing Robb here. It’s like poetry, it rhymes.


Karstark just stands there, and we’re not 100% sure if the actor even knew he was supposed to be reacting to anything, since he’s totally zoned out. The maester, however, is horrified. But luckily for him, it’s not Faullaria who did the stabbing. Ramsay understands maesters serve the castle, and he instructs the guy to send ravens about Roose’s death, but to say it was poisoned food sent by their “enemies” (convincing) that did it. He also asks the maester to send for Walda, and the poor guy starts to be like, “she literally just gave birth and has half the placenta still hanging out,” but Ramsay Sue waits for no afterbirth.

So, yup, we’re treated to a scene of poor cinnamon roll Walda limping through the courtyard with this swaddled baby that probably still has amniotic fluid on it, while Ramsay very clearly leads them to the place he’s going to murder them. Turns out it’s the kennels, or at least there are dog-shaped lumps on our screen and barking. (It’s very dark.) Ramsay slowwwwwllllllyyyyy opens the cages while Walda begins to beg for her life, and two minutes and fifty seconds pass to bring us this foregone conclusion. Not that we counted.

Meanwhile, outside Winterhell, Brienne finally tells Fansa that Arya is alive, and that she was with “a man.” A thousand SanSans just started crying into their popcorn. Fansa is feeling a little strange, because she’s beginning to shed her exoskeleton and change into her next form: Brittany. She’s suddenly aware of how stupid it was for her not to have accepted Brienne’s help in the inn, and not to have lit that tiny-ass candle earlier, and she apologizes. “It was a difficult choice, my lady,” Brienne tells her. Oh, okay then.

Fansa/Brittany then pops over to check on Theon, because he just heard the call of the plot and is having a moment. She tries to get him to go to The Wall with them, saying she’ll protect him from Jon (yeah, it’s Brittany), but Theon read the script and knows he has a salt moot to go to. There’s actually another touching hug. It’s so wonderful to see a shared moment of caring between two characters that have a history together at this point. So of course they have to be split up.

Speaking of The Wall, Mel looks like she wants another nap, but before she can go down, Davos pops in and apologizes for interrupting her watching the flames religiously. She’s just like, “nope I was warming my toesies.” We think her faith is shaken.

Then Davos…how do we put this? He just, casually and randomly suggests that she raises the dead. “Do you know of any magic that could help him? Bring him back?” What, like those ice zombies you’ve heard about?

Mel very hesitantly is like, “yeah, I knew a guy, but this seems like a terrible idea.” So Davos puts on his best skirt and whips out his pom-poms, because YES SHE CAN. You see, it’s okay that she doesn’t have much of a belief in a god now, because miracles are not contingent on religious faith.

“I’m not a devout man, obviously. Seven gods, drowned gods, tree gods, it’s all the same. I’m not asking the Lord of Light for help. I’m asking the woman who showed me that miracles exist.”

Mel finds this convincing enough to at least give it the ol’ college try.

Also she thought that Jonsicle was very poorly tended, so she strips him naked and cuts his hair. The Asshole would be proud. Then she pulls a Peppermint Butler with his corpse.

And like Pep-But’s gem healing, nothing happens. So one by one, the Jon fanclub leaves, including Beardy, who was inexplicably on-board with resurrection. Wildlings aren’t superstitious, right? Especially not about reanimated corpses.

Finally, it’s just Jonsicle on a table with Rover (were they just going to leave his body indefinitely? There wasn’t even a funeral planned?), and the camera does that lingery thing on Kit Harrington, so you know something’s going to happen. And also so you know that he hasn’t quit the gym since Pompeii. And, yup. His eyes pop open and he GASPS for air.

We did not see that coming.

What’s a god compared to a bowl of onion soup?

The next episode picks up with Davos back in the room. Let’s pretend he heard the super loud gasping. Despite still being full of these gaping stab wounds, Jon is alive again, and all things considered, Davos is pretty chill about this. Mel comes rushing in and demands to know what Jonny saw on the other side, but D&D were good boys who read The God Delusion, so they know it was “nothing.” Is this show nihilistic or something?

Instead, Jonny’s main memory is being betrayed by Olly, and he’s very hurt about it. Mel then gets busy with some ret-cons, calling him “The Prince that was Promised,” which we’ve never heard before. We suppose she merely subscribes to the popular fandom theory that the prince is the same as Azor Ahai, though now that we think about it she only referred to Stannis in amorphous terms, like “Warrior of Light.” Maybe next season she’ll call him “the Last Hero”!

Cheerleader Davos whips out yet another pep-talk, this time telling Jonny that it’s okay he failed and his brothers stabbed him. He just has to go out and fail again! Win one for the Zipper.

Eventually Jonny decides to go put on his coat and see what everyone else is doing. If they’re Wildlings, they’re worshipping Jon now, since they’re all about reanimated corpses, and see him as a kind of god. This checks out. Only Edd, of all people, has the wherewithal to be like, “well at least your eyes aren’t blue.” Yeah! That would be a very valid concern up here, wouldn’t it?

Well, the Wildlings sure don’t remember this danger, just like the North doesn’t remember anything about their oaths to the Starks. Or they remember and just don’t care? You see, the famous Lord Umber, bff of Randyll “Wildling-hater” Tarly, has come to grace Winterhell with his presence. He likes Ramsay’s kinslayin’ ways, because his dad sucks too! (What.) And you know what sucks even more than his dad? Wildings. They’re the worst. No wonder Randyll went over and beyond to make his boyfriend proud.

Ramsay tries to conduct this bizarre meeting like a proper lord, and asks for an oath of fealty, but Lord Umber is a Cool Dude™ that he tells Ramsay “Fuck kneeling and fuck oaths.” This makes a ton of sense in the cultural context. It’s okay, because he has a gift. Not the gift, mind you. Ramsay and Karstark exchange a rape and pedophilia joke while the gift is unmasked: it’s Osha and Rickon! Ramsay thinks the kid might be a little tall and post-pubescent to be Rickon (what’s the timeline again?), but Umber has fool-proof evidence: Shaggydog’s tiny and very well-preserved head.

People very cutely tried to use this as evidence of the Northern Conspiracy because it was tiny. Oh our sweet summer children.

If that wasn’t macabre enough, we go back up to The Wall, where “It’s time.” Time for the hangings, you see. The hangings that Jonny, as Lord Commander, ordered. And no one has a problem that it’s a zombie taking charge. Remember that group of twenty dudes who mutinied last season? Jonny is going to hang four of them. We think it might just be the people that physically stabbed him, but that also might just be us being generous here. And of course, we don’t recognize two of them anyway— it’s just Olly and Thorne who matter.

Thorne triples down on his xenophobia, and basically says that he has no regrets and would do this all over again. Olly is too underpaid angry to say anything at all. So Jon cuts one rope that hangs all of them at once (that’s efficient!), and they die. We know, because we have to spend a good half a minute watching them twitch. So brave, showing us that bloated child’s corpse. Hey, was Olly even really in the Night’s Watch? This feels odd.

Edd then is like, “well now what, Lord Commander?” At which point, Jonny reveals that he’s NOT the Lord Commander (what?) and that he’s blowing this popsicle joint. ‘Cause his watch has ended!

“Wear [my cloak]. Burn it. Whatever you want. You have Castle Black. My watch is ended.”

This checks out.

In the next episode, it turns out Jonny just stomped back to his room. Yikes. Edd pops in and is like, “about that quitting thing…” He brings up some really valid points, like “what the fuck are you going to do now?” According to Jon, “Get warm.” He also mentions that this might be desertion and that there are definitely ice zombies coming to kill them, but Jonny’s feelings were too hurt from the stabbing, so he thinks he has to go.

But hold the phone (and the suitcase): it’s Brittany, bitch! She, Pod, and Brienne finally made it all the to the Wall, which is apparently a stone’s throw from Winterhell, because seriously hasn’t only like two days passed? No, we mean it: this plotline is lined up to Winterhell’s, since we saw Mel pop back to The Wall after Stannis died. So…

Oh, Jonny and Brittany hug, and a new ship is born. We’re just happy to hear the Stark Cello of Extreme Emotional Significance again. It’s nice.

Because Brittany is such a boss-ass individual, she managed to acquire onion soup and lip gloss. We also knows she’s empowered, because she’s a Sansa-hater. She apologizes to Jonny for being so awful to him before.

No literally, there is no footage of this, since there’s also no footage on this show of Jon and Sansa ever having interacted at all.

Brittany hangs out on fan forums a lot, it seems, since she also blames Sansa for the downfall of House Stark. Sansa should have known not to go south to marry the prince! The weird thing is that Kit Harrington and Sophie Turner are playing this scene very bantery, and we’re not sure what the director is going for at all. We don’t dislike it, or Brittany, but also what show are we watching?

Brittany asks Jonny where he’ll go, which must mean that she was told off-screen about his stabbing and resurrection. We wonder how that conversation went. No seriously: how does one begin?

Jonny has zero plans still, so Brittany is like, “well I want to go to war to win back our family’s home, and I’ll do it without you if I have to.” She also points out that as members of the aristocracy of a disposed House, she and Jonny will never be safe anywhere so long as the Boltons hold the North. Oh, also, Jonny told her Bran and Rickon were alive off-screen. Right after the resurrection thing. We wonder if she mentioned Arya.

Jonny’s tired of fighting though, and he really wants to “get warm,” so the scene ends with Brittany looking super unimpressed at her brother.

Meanwhile, Mel is looking sad again (why?), but she says she serves Jon since he’s The Prince that was Promised. Davos suddenly remembers about his friend Stan, and is like, “oh hey, what did happen with him? Or that daughter of his who I loved?” Luckily, Brienne the Brute is standing right there and decides to pop into their conversation. She brags about killing Stan, and is all like “that’s what you get for blood magic!” Though it’s framed as being just about Renly, so…she didn’t really help much there.

Remember the Vale? That place where Sansa managed to build up a solid base of support for her claim to Winterhell in one conversation, but then agreed to YOLO out of there? Well, it still exists, and despite our predictions, we do see Robin again. He’s really bad at archery, and his teacher, Yohn Royce, is so scared that he’s wearing a GIANT breastplate and mackintosh for protection against stray arrows.

This isn’t excessive…

Never fear, Batfinger’s here! On his way back from Carol’s Landing, we guess. Robin is thrilled to see him for some reason, and drops all his shit to run up to the guy, going “Uncle Petyr!” It’s kind of his step-dad, but whatever. Uncle Petyr got him a falcon as a gift. However, Yohn is not so into this touching moment, since he watched Season 5 and was not impressed with the Sansa Marriage Strike. Apparently Batfinger knows it was stupid too, since he claims that Sansa was kidnapped by the Boltons to make this happen. Because no one would willingly agree to it.

Somehow, and we’ve watched this scene several times and still can’t tell you how, he puts Bronze Yohn completely on the defensive, and gets Robin to want to hurl him out the Moon Door. Pretty drastic, since they left the Eyrie. However, instead, Robin decides that he really loves his cousin too, and wants to ride North to save her. Because they bonded as well.

It wouldn’t be a dramatically satisfying episode if we weren’t reminded of how EVHUL Ramsay Sue is. We cut to a scene of him ineptly peeling an apple, and frankly he’s cutting out so much flesh with the skin that we’re convinced already. Then Osha pops in wearing Marg’s potato sack dress (sans tiny crown). The gist of their conversation is that he likes the cut of her jib and wants to have the sex, and she wants to also, so she can stab him just like she did before to save Bran and Rickon in Season 2. Continuity! But she fails and she dies, and he goes back to peeling an apple. Wasn’t that thrilling? Natalia Tena should be thanking her agent.

It’s dinner time at The Wall, and much like Horn Faire, we have to sit through 20 good seconds of people just slurping their soup. Too bad Prince Bashir wasn’t invited. He loves soup.

Brittany is being such a mensch, because even though this soup looks worse than Eowyn’s, she’s not complaining. Stupid Sansa would complain, we bet. Beardy is also busy asserting his hyper-heterosexuality by seductively eating meat in the direction of Brienne. We wish we were making this up.

A messenger comes in bearing the Pink Letter. Or rather, some bastardized version of it. Oh look, we made a pun! The long-and-short is that Ramsay decided to write how much Jonny sucks! He sucks and will never retake his home and revenge him, because he sucks! Jonny gets so verklempt at the harshness of the words that he has to stop reading, but Brittany is such a boss-ass individual that she whisks the letter out of his hands and proceeds to read the rest out loud, without a trace of fear. Even though it includes explicit gang rape threats against her.

Also, Ramsay signed the letter “Warden of the North,” so Brittany gets to point out yet again that Jonny’s “get warm” plan may not be as straight forward as he hopes. Because there’s literally nowhere he can go. Though it’s super nice that the Night’s Watch is still giving him room and board. It’s also super nice that Jonny already fucked out of his vows, so that the ultimatum this letter presents to him won’t present any conflicts of interest.

Brittany goes on to point out how all the Northern Lords will rise for them, because the Boltons are so terrible and the North Remembers how great the Starks were. She also provides an exact number of Bolton troops to show how feasible this is, because apparently when she was locked in her bedroom covered in bruises, she was able to learn military details. Off-screen. Beardy is inspired by Brittany’s braveness, and more or less commits the Wildings to the cause.

The Northern Walking Tour

We probably haven’t made this clear enough already, but watching this whole plotline is giving us the oddest impression—like D&D were trying to burn minutes of time in their super action-packed episodes. We’re confused!

Case and point, we’re treated to Brittany sewing in her room for a good 20 seconds (because boss-ass individuals understand that they can be empowered and sew), until we see her get a message. And then read it, before we cut to the next scene of her meeting Batfinger in Mole’s Town. We’re so glad we had this established, because just imagine how much would have been lost if the episode had opened there.

There’s also something else we have to talk about. We love Brittany. No, seriously, she’s a legit empowered woman who makes cogent points, shows a devotion to her family, and is more than happy to both assert herself in war councils and sew up awesome dresses. She embraces and eschews femininity in a truly refreshing way, and a way we’ve never seen on this show before.

Lil’ problem: she came out of fucking nowhere, and she’s going to disappear just as quickly. It’s for that reason though, that we don’t know what to make of this scene with Batfinger, because it’s kind of awesome, but it makes no sense.

Things start off really logically, with Batfinger saying that the Vale Lords are at Moat Cailin. Unbeknownst to the Warden of the North, we suppose. And everyone else there. It’s only the most important fortified position in the entire North!

Brittany doesn’t seem to care much about this amazing feat, or the fact that he’s basically handing her this military for her campaign; instead, she just watched Season 5, and wants to berate him for how goddamned thoroughly stupid the Sansa Marriage Strike was. She outright tells him, “if you didn’t know how bad Ramsay was, you’re an idiot, and if you did, then you’re my enemy.” This an extremely good point, and we can’t particularly blame her for not trusting him, even if this army could solve her problems, and ultimately does.

We also can’t blame her, because this can very much be read as her asserting her agency with, and independence from, the man who sold her to her rapist. To D&D’s credit, they actually make an honest attempt to portray PTSD in a way that can’t be quickly dismissed or yelled away. She also refuses to accept any of Batfinger’s apologies, because this shit can’t just be magically fixed, and she’s not going to let him off for his hand in the horribleness that was Season 5.

Like all good things on GoT though, this one is fleeting, since the scene manages to fuck itself up and give Batfinger the last word. Rejected, he suggests that Brittany reach out to her Uncle Pop-up Blackfish and try to get the Tully army. Then he sows the mistrust between The Sansa Construct and Jonny, because the Wildlings aren’t her army, but her “brother’s army… HALF-brother.” This is really deft seeding, and we’re so glad that Brittany couldn’t think of a single rebuttal. Like, “so fucking what?” or literally anything along those lines. Because…so fucking what? Looks like Jonny’s other mother is totally more of a deal breaker than the word of Uncle Petyr, we guess.

It’s alright though, because the next scene features more of Brittany’s actual empowerment. We can’t emphasize this point enough, because what show is this? Also featured: horribly inelegant exposition as Jonny and Davos tell each other things about Weisseroffi armies that they should already know. Did you know the MANDERLYS and the UMBERS and the KARSTARKS have the largest forces in the North? We get the need for exposition (sort of), but this definitely feels sophomoric.

Jonny suddenly remembered that the army of the dead is a thing, and they could really fuck with his plans to “get warm,” so he wants there to be an aggressive timeline for this fight against the Boltons.

Brittany, very assertively stating her opinion without being prompted because that’s what boss-ass individuals who have a stake in the discussion do (or even normal individuals), points out that though the UMBERS and the KARSTARKS have declared for the BOLTONS, there’s plenty of other Houses in the North—Houses that are surely turned off by the Boltons’ reign of terror, and who would remember just how amazing the Starks were. She believes they’ll rise for her and Jonny.

Davos is confused, because Jonny’s a bastard, so why would they help him when he’s just a Snow. Brittany is like, “okay, but I have the Stark name?”, though immediately has to walk it back, because that hurt Jonny’s feelings.

Well she DOES

Feudal order is rough, bro. The point is: these amazing Northern Lords would surely want to come to the aid of Ned Stark’s kids, especially given that their rightful liege lord, Rickon, is being held captive (Bran being assumed dead). Davos is super skeptical, and says that the only way to get them to join is to go knocking on their doors in person. Good thing it’s not dangerous for these two yahoos to go trotting around the Bolton-controlled North!

Brittany also tells the room that Pop-up Blackfish respawned inside of Riverrun and has an army there, so maybe they’ll help. Yet for reasons we can’t fathom, she lies about her meeting with Uncle Petyr and says she just heard it one day in Winterhell.

After this war council of obvious statements, Brienne pulls Brittany aside to be like, “I think this is all really fucking weird, especially because you lied to your brother for no reason.” Then she says that Jonny seems a-okay to her, albeit a bit too Kit Harrington at times.

“He seems trustworthy. A bit brooding, perhaps. I suppose that’s understandable, considering.”

Huh. We wonder how the conversation went when she learned of his resurrection too. It’s not a big deal.

What is a big deal, and valid though, is that Brienne thinks Davos and Mel are terrible, since she has witnessed their embrace of blood magic and kinslaying. They also seem like fair-weather friends to her, but Brittany shuts this down by saying she trusts Jonny. Then why didn’t you tell him… Just forget it.

Brittany tasks Brienne with going to Pop-up Blackfish in person, because and we QUOTE, “You’ll know how to talk to him.” We promise we’ll get into this in our final retrospective next month.

Now it’s time to set off for the walking tour, but not before Brittany shows us the fruits of her empowered sewing labor. No seriously, girl made two FULL outfits, and picked up some leather embossing skills on the way. One is a sequin-filled Stark dress for herself, and the other is a Ned Stark cosplay outfit for Jonny. It actually is cute though, since it’s like…siblings being nice to each other. And having a mutual stake in something.

We hope they don’t become rivals for no reason.

Finally, our last scene at The Wall features Beardy pining after Brienne once again, and Edd becoming the Lord Commander without an election, or explanation. This checks out!

And with that, the walking tour formally begins. First up? The Wildings that are camped literally right next to the castle they just left. The Wildling men, that is, because the women are busy doing woman-things in the background, like hanging up pelts and stuff. We wonder where the smurfettes got to.

Speaking of women, The Sansa Stark Construct changed faces again, introducing none other than Field Marshall Sandra Snark. She’s a Brittany-stan, but just a hair too stupid to understand how to properly be boss-ass. So for this entire scene, she may as well be a snow drift. Or one of the Wildling women. We wonder if Sandra sews.

There’s a random dude who looks like a thinner version of Beardy, and apparently this is the guy to convince.

We call him “Weirdy”

Jonny does a shit job at this, even though he reasonably points out that he’s the only person in the North who wants them there, and if his campaign fails, then they’re all fucked. However, when Beardy reiterates the same exact point, everyone is suddenly convinced. Beardy also tosses in “he died for us,” for good measure, and boy is it just so handy that no one has a problem with a resurrected corpse leading an army. Wun-Wun decides to play Mormont’s raven, and cries out “Snow!”, which means this pact is set in stone now. Success!

With that taken care of, since we know the MANDERLYS and the UMBERS and the KARSTARKS have the most men, and the UMBERS and KARSTARKS are already declared, Jonny and Sandra reasonably…head all the way to the west coast of The North, and take a ship to the sparsely populated Bear Island. This was also the place that sent Stannis a really rude letter, so if there’s one place they might not need to go in person, it’s here. But hey.

Since we women-folk have been so good, D&D throw us a pandering bone: Lyanna Mormont. And it’s really frustrating, since we see what they’re doing, and yet it’s really hard not to be won over by how hard this actor tries, and how perfectly inept she makes Jonny and Sandra seem.

Sandra kicks things off by trying to give her a meaningless compliment about her looks, and Lyanna immediately shuts down this sexist bullshit. Then Jonny makes his case to her, and she has the audacity to ask very reasonable questions, such as “who’s fighting with you?” “Are you a Stark?” “Sandra, didn’t you marry the Boltons?” “Why should I risk my men when you have literally nothing planned?” Jonny and Sandra stare at her with open mouths, because how could they have known that such gotcha-questions would have come up?

Damn “gotcha” questions!

D&D decided that Davos gets to be the smart character for this scene, so he convinces Lyanna to fight for them not out of Stark loyalty, but because zombies are coming. Which, yeah, and she’s ten, so okay, maybe this would convince her. We wonder what would have happened if he had promised her unicorns too. This amounts to a big victory for Team Cardboard: 62 men. Meanwhile, thousands of troops, as well as pockets full of silver, are just chilling at White Harbor. Silver that could have even bought back Stannis’s magically disappearing army, perhaps. But we’re just two women foolish in the ways of war. Surely Jonny has a better plan.

Which is…going to the Glovers, and being humiliated. Like, so badly, that the dude doesn’t even let them in his house. He just yells from his porch that these crazy kids need to get off his lawn.

No, seriously. He explains how the Boltons have been wonderful liege lords who helped him take back his castle from the Ironboors, unlike that asshole Robb who ignored this duty and ended up getting a Glover-brother killed. He also asks who else is fighting on Team Cardboard, and they have to admit that they have no one but Wildlings and 62 men from Bear Island. Shockingly, Glover isn’t into it, and the Wildlings are more or less a deal-breaker. Maybe he can join the Umber/Tarly love club.

Sandra decides now is a great time to look at her “what would Brittany do?” bracelet, so she tries to assert herself, but is so bad at it that she just yells at him for being awful, while Jonny makes this face:

Swing and a miss.

Finally, we get another scene of Jonny and Sandra just pacing around the super auspicious location where Stannis’s army had faced moderate snow flurries. Jonny is like, “well we tried, so I guess we have to take this significantly smaller force and attack the Boltons with it, like, tomorrow.”

No seriously, his justification is, and we quote, “we fight with the army we have.” His rationale is that a snow storm could hit. This is true, but (and again, we are foolish in the ways of war), having a force one third of the size of your enemies seems like a bit more a risk, especially when attacking a defense strong-hold on terrain not of your choosing? Right?

Even Sandra gets this, and is like, “you don’t even want to wait to hear what Brienne says?” (or that raven to White Harbor), and also suggests going down to Castle Cerwyn, whose Lord was flayed last season over taxes. Jonny is adamant that it could snow any day. And his Wilding and Bear Island snowflakes wouldn’t be able to stomach it. And it’s not like Mel, who brought spring before, is with them. Hey, has anyone asked how she did that last time?


We cut to a shot of Lyanna Mormont futzing with raven cages, because D&D seriously believe that their audience wouldn’t be able to follow Sandra trying to get a message to Batfinger. Which she does…she writes him at Moat Cailin, because she realizes this numbers game is wack and Jonny’s going to get them all killed. Hey Sandra, maybe mention this to Jonny! Maybe mention that you have thousands of calvary that you can most assuredly get on your side! No?

Bastard Bowl

Welp, now that Team Cardboard has the army it has, it’s time for the Bastard Bowl! We’re actually wondering whether Jonny and Ramsay agreed to a calendar date, because this just makes the opposite of sense.

It opens with a parlay, though no one brought peace banners. Yikes. Ramsay Sue has KARSTARK and UMBER with him, while Jonny brought Davos, Sandra, and Lyanna Mormont. Ramsay can be a class-act when he wants, since he opens by being like, “it’s okay, you can save face here…thanks for returning my wife, pledge fealty, and we’ll go on our merry way.” He also brings up forgiving Jonny for deserting the Night’s Watch. Yeah, remember when that happened?

Jonny instead challenges him to single combat, and smugly says, “Will your men want to fight for you when they hear you wouldn’t fight for them?” According to the script that won an Emmy for best writing, Lord Umber really likes this line, and thinks it means that Jonny “has balls.” Ramsay, however, is not so easily provoked, and pulls a Robb Stark a la Season 1.

He also is like, “I’ve got your brother hostage,” and as proof, whips out Shaggydog’s tiny tiny head again. This prop got its mileage. Then he begins to say something else, but Sandra just blurts out, “You’re going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well,” and rides off. Once she’s gone, Ramsay gets back to taunting Team Cardboard, or something, by threatening to sick his dogs on them during the battle. Hey, that might have been a good idea. Same for Jonny: is there any canine friend he could call on to help out?

Thus ends the parlay and begins Team Cardboard’s last-minute war council on the literal eve of battle. Beardy is super worried about getting caught in another pincer movement like Stannis did to him, and Jonny assures him that they’ll dig trenches to prevent this. On terrain they don’t control. In one night. This point is so important that Jonny uses three synonyms for this military movement just so Beardy understands. Jonny also seems to think that he can get Ramsay to charge him, presumably into the trenches, and thus they’ll ensnare the Bolton calvary. Or something.

Sansa huffs and puffs in the background, but says nothing.

Your Sister got your tongue?

Satisfied with this super-detailed and plausible plan, Davos and Beardy leave the tent. As soon as they do, Sandra hops up and begins yelling at Jonny for not calling on her. Honey, one of your faces had no problems asserting itself a couple episodes ago, in the exact same meeting scenario!

We do like that she calls Jonny an idiot for not asking what she knows of Ramsay’s character, since…yeah. She’d know this. And a good battle commander would have realized that.

She outright tells him that Ramsay will not be goaded into his trap, and instead that he’s going to try and play games with Jonny. Sandra urges Jonny “Just don’t do what he wants you to do,” which Jonny sarcastically dismisses, because it was “a little obvious.” However, Sandra explains the full implications of this: Rickon is a lost cause. She says Ramsay will never let him live. She also, once again, points out how fighting with this few men makes no fucking sense. Seriously, we know Sandra isn’t as smart as Brittany, but at least she’s smarter than Jonny. He digs his heels in, so she peaces out, saying she won’t go back to Winterhell alive.

HEY SANDRA: do you have an army you’re maybe going to go collect right now? Could you share that with the battle commander? Maybe that will convince him to wait a couple of hours? Or just like…twenty minutes?

Meanwhile, Beardy and Davos bond over how battles make their IBS flare up. “Happy shitting,” says Beardy.

It’s actually not bad, and makes you really think about the horrors of the calm before the storm, but it’s also not at all worth getting into. Then Davos wanders to take a dump (no, seriously), and what does he come across? Shireen’s pyre! Which he knows, because her wooden stag toy is lying in the snow, charred. A Carol-winning prop, that one is.

Jonny’s pre-battle ritual involves checking in on Mel, who once again is sitting sadly in front of the flames, looking like she wants a bath. He doesn’t want to be resurrected again if things go poorly, but she’s not super interested in his opinion. It’s all up to R’hllor, even though she also thinks he’s a sucky god now. We really can’t tell what’s happening with her crisis of faith, so let’s just ignore it.

Battle time.

Look, we don’t want do a shot-by-shot here. This is a very highly-funded, well-shot battle sequence. There’s no two ways about it. The sound editing is particularly well-done in our opinion. If you like watching 300, this is probably for you.

The important thing is that it opens with Team Cardboard down across the trenchless field, with the obviously more massive Team Bolton on the hill. Ramsay brings Rickon forward on a leash, and after a good 30 seconds of screen time, unties him and tells him to run towards his brother. That’s the game. Then he fires arrows at Rickon while he runs. 10 bucks if you can guess how this one ends.

Jonny immediately leaps onto his horse, so that he can scoop Rickon up and return to the line of safety. But horrors! Rickon is shot jusssssstttt before Jonny reaches him. This is so refreshing for Game of Thrones!

The thing is, this makes Jonny mad. Like, really MAD. So instead of going back to his own men and organizing some kind of charge, or something, he decides to just charge the entire army himself. And we literally get a reaction shot of Beardy going, “Don’t.” Because of this incompetence, Davos has to rally Jonny’s troops, shouting at them to go follow their commander. Who didn’t give an order.

Jonny’s horse gets loaded with arrows like a damned pincushion, but he’s magically fine! Then the two forces meet, and blood blood slash slash. For like, twenty minutes.

At some point, Davos, who is holding a line of archers back from the scrum, says: “We may as well be taking shits back here.” Then he proceeds to lead this reserve willy-nilly into the battle field, while Ramsay SMILES because he knows how fucking stupid this is.

He orders his infantry to go forward, and in what must be a jump-cut, a giant shield wall just surrounds Team Cardboard. Like, all of them. No, seriously, they’re all dead now.

And so begins the Battle of Cannae sequence, though it’s much less impressive since it’s the smaller force that got trapped here, and they only did so by being stupid. There is an effective moment where Jonny almost gets suffocated under the pile of bodies, but he claws his way up. Also, Beardy and UMBER have a faceoff, and Beardy bites through his carotid artery to win. Meaningful!

Nearly every single member of Team Cardboard is dead now, but it’s okay, because it’s the first light of the fifth day and Gandalf has come! It’s actually just Sandra and Uncle Petyr, and woo they have an entire army with them! These Vale troops ride roughshod over the entire Bolton force in about 20 seconds, putting Aragorn’s Army of the Dead to shame. Pwn’d.

Ramsay flees back to Winterhell with some dude we’ve never seen before, but he only is able to chill in the courtyard for about five seconds before Wun-Wun busts down the door. Wow, Winterhell’s a really crappy castle. Forget what we said about a “defensive stronghold.” Wun-Wun gets shot up with arrows and is half dead, joined by Jonny and Beardy, who don’t get shot at all. However, Ramsay gets a clear shot and decides to finish off the giant, rather than like, kill Jonny. He’s right there and he wasn’t even watching!

Then Ramsay asks if they can do that single-combat thing now, and Jonny agrees, because he’s so full of revenge. However, this single-combat is just Ramsay firing his bow over and over, and Jonny slowly walking towards him with a shield. Then he beats Ramsay into the ground with his fists, a la A Christmas Story. Sandra strolls in, despite this still being an active battle, and Jonny gets a look on his face like he got caught eating garbage.

You think about what you did RIGHT NOW!

Oh wait, according to the script, the look on his face means that he knows “this is Sandra’s kill.” Cool.

So, that’s that. That was the battle. The Stark banners replace the Bolton ones, and Mel smiles for the first time all season. We guess resurrecting someone was meh, but knowing her vision finally came true was the real gift. Davos glares at her, clutching Shireen’s stag.

Jonny arranges for Rickon’s body to go the crypt, and he apparently also arranged for Ramsay to be taken down into the kennels, unbeknownst to Sandra, who is legally the Lady of Winterhell right now. He points her in the right direction, and she goes down to get her revenge.

Ramsay is tied up in the kennels, but the thing is, Sandra (actually Asnas Krats for this scene only), doesn’t actually open any gates or do anything to facilitate his ultimate death-by-dog. So this whole conversation plays out with Ramsay’s hounds patiently waiting off-screen, because they read the script.

Asnas tells Ramsay that he’ll be forgotten and doesn’t matter, and that of course his dogs will eat him, since he starved them for seven days. She’s right, and as he experiences this brutal death, she empoweredly smiles and walks out. Don’t worry. We’re going to get into this in quite some detail in Part 3.

“I don’t care that he’s a bastard”

We open the final chapter in Winterhell with a white raven flying from the Citadel, because it’s winter now, and we really felt it looming all season. A+ very present theme.

Jonny and Mel are finally getting a chance to bond, which would have been a lot more effective if we had gotten…anything between these two other than the time she sexually harassed him in an elevator, and the time he moped about being resurrected. To be fair, we might mope about being resurrected if it was a painful process, or one that weighs on you, but we have literally no idea what being dead did to him, or how he feels. He seems totally fine.

So fine, in fact, that he’s having the audacity to bitch to a former slave about how he wasn’t allowed at the fancy high table during feasts, just one of the normal tables. Mel gets this great look on her face and is like, “you had food.”

This is interrupted when Davos comes in and tosses the stag at Mel. Awkward! He begins screaming at her for doing something so evil, and how evil Stannis must have been for ordering this, and it’s really difficult, because Liam Cunningham and Carice van Houten sell the hell out of this. Yet at the same time, it makes no damn sense that this conversation didn’t happen 8 episodes ago, and we know that the only reason it didn’t was because plot necessity. Like, in what universe would Davos have been on team “you can resurrect the dead guy, Mel!” without even bothering to ask about Stannis or Shireen first?

Mel doesn’t even try to justify it, to her credit, but tells Jonny that he’s going to need her for the war to come. Davos wants her executed, and asks Jonny for permission. Jonny, with all the authority of being…the former Lord’s bastard son, we guess, banishes Mel and says he’ll kill her if she comes back. Hey, shouldn’t you run this by the Lady of Winterhell? She’s right here!

In fact, look there she is, coming to talk to Jonny on top of the battlements! Once she gets in focus, we can tell that it’s Brittany, because she’s cool with Jonny. He tells her that he’s having the Lord’s chambers prepared for her (oh, so he does understand her authority), and she’s like, “no no, you take it.” Honey, we get that he’s your brother, but what?

She then apologizes for the sloppy Emmy-winning writing in the episode prior, and that’s how we really know it’s Brittany.

“Only a fool would trust Littlefinger. I should have told you about him, about the Knights of the Vale. I’m sorry.”

Oh, it’s all water under the bridge. It was only everyone in the North.

Jonny is audacious enough to say that they need to trust each other, even though he was the one getting a poop-look on his face when she previously mentioned that she has the Stark name. Brittany is down for this plan, because she loves Jonny with no hesitation.

Sadly, Brittany has Brittany things to do, so Sandra comes back for the duration of this episode. She heads to the Godswood to not pray, because she’s read The God Delusion and knows that’s stupid and for unempowered women. Batfinger thinks this is a nifty time to creep on her again, and she once again drags herself for doing what was socially expected of her in Season 1. Sansa just sucked before!

Batfinger then has a James Bond villain moment, and decides to reveal his secret plan: he has a vision-board of himself on the Iron Throne, married to Sansa™, and every decision he makes is with the intent of getting closer to that aim. Like marrying her off to her enemies!

He then tries to kiss her, and Sandra rejects him, though she does call their regal marital bliss a “pretty picture.” We have no clue if this was meant to be sarcastic.

And then Winterhell concludes with the most well-motivated scene in television history. Jonny’s being a space-cadet thanks to some weird cross-fade that opens this scene, and when he snaps to, he finds Bronze Yohn bitching about how the Vale Knights teamed up with “Wilding invaders.” Well, fuck you too. Beardy points out that they were invited.

Some other randos chime in that it’s now officially winter, so how about everyone just go home and hole up. They’re sure the Lannisters won’t want to take any action against them deposing of the Boltons, or at least not until Spring. Jonny rains on that parade by telling them that the true war is yet to come, and the enemy brings the storm. All things considered, these Northern and Vale Lords are pretty immediately accepting of this zombie apocalypse.

Lyanna Mormont is bored, however, so she just randomly stands up and begins berating everyone for not fighting on Team Cardboard. Lyanna, maybe you’re a book snob, but this isn’t related to anything anyone was saying! Nobody mentioned the vacuum of leadership or the Starks.

It’s slightly awesome though, because as she shames each Northern Lord, it cuts to these shots of these guys just hanging their head like, “awwwwww.”

Next time for SURE

Then she’s like, “House Mormont remembers” (uh you yelled at him until Davos brought up zombies, but okay), and proposes that Jonny is their king, since Bear Island knows no king but the King in the North whose name is STARK. We feel the need to mention, but Sansa, the legal heir of House Stark right now, is sitting right there. RIGHT THERE. It’s also weird, because Lyanna goes on to say that she’ll accept a SNOW also.

“I don’t care if he’s a bastard. Ned Stark’s blood runs through his veins. He’s my king from this day until his last day.”

But but but. Sandra is…

Lyanna plops back down to no reaction from anyone, until Lord Manderly stands up and basically says the same thing. He’s mad sorry he didn’t fight. Whoops. And Jonny should be king. Suddenly everyone begins cheering. Lord Glover apologizes, and then, mirroring a scene that made a lot more sense in Season 1, the Lords of the North (and Vale?) declare him “The King in the North!”

Sandra looks perfectly content with this, until she makes eye contact with Uncle Petyr, and then it suddenly occurs to her, “but I’m a Stark!”

But I’ve *always* been a Stark at home…

And then the season ends, with Jonny as the new king, because he totally earned it.

That’s definitely a lot to take in. Fortunately, Julie plods on and discusses the fuller implications and “meaning” of this plot, continuing in Part 2. Because there was just so much meaning to be found.

Images courtesy of HBO

[starbox id=”Julia,Kylie”]


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Suou no Nioi
Suou no Nioi

When this season was airing, I got into really long discussions trying to figure out why Davos was so protective of Jon’s corpse and why he would just ask if Mel could resurrect people out of the blue. Apparently all of that made sense to some people, but looking at it now, all mushed together into one summary, it’s plainer than ever that, no, none of that was remotely motivated or informed. It just happened because it needed to happen to drag the characters to the next plot point. And I still don’t know what was up with feeding Myranda’s… Read more »


Julia and I watched this, we talked about it, and we STILL DON’T KNOW why everyone cared about Jon’s corpse. The best we came up with is that as friends of Jon, Thorne was going to murder them all, and the corpse lying there was just incidental. It really is amazing what looking at it at once can do, especially since these guys have to plan things one storyline at a time. With Myranda, it’s more that his evhulness is the only comprehensible explanation to us (and fits with their later pattern), unless this is their idea of humanzing him?… Read more »

Palpad100 .
Palpad100 .

I still think Sansa and Jon should have told Lyanna that she and the Mormonts had to fight for Rickon, since he was next Stark in line and she had pledged her loyalty to the Starks when she refused to pledge her house to Stannis.


They really should have… Girl was convinced by ice zombies and then has the audacity to throw “we know no king but the KitN whose name is STARK” in everyone else’s face.


I agree. Rickon was the reason why Jonny and Sansa went against the Boltons in the first place and he had the Stark name without any marriages to the enemies. They only mentioned Rickon again on the day before the battle. It nearly seemed like they had forgotten about him and then remembered that they had to save their brother.


They were probably going for bait and switch. “Oh look, he is genuinely mourning her, see, even Ramsay can feel love and grief… ha ha ha no, we got you there! He’s totally eevvvvul.” Because making the viewers think one thing and then pulling the rug and showing the exact opposite is their idea of great storytelling (what a twist, eh!). Even if it ends up not making much sense overall.


“Your Sister Got Your Tongue” LMAO so simple and yet such a great joke!!

Gretchen Ellis

This might be my favorite Julie one liner this recap.


Excellent recap. This is the recap I was the most excited about and I had to laugh out loud while reading it. I just disagree with calling Sansa heir to Winterfell. IMO Bran is and Sansa and Jonny know that he’s alive. I don’t know a lot about warfare, but one thing I have been wondering about is how the Sansa construct and Jonny managed to feed their army. From what I’ve heard supplying an army very expensive and all the wildlings and Northerners had to be fed. Where did the food come from. Neither the Sansa construct nor Jon… Read more »


Oh, Bran 100% is. We were sort of being generous with the idea that in-verse, they are keeping Bran being alive from everyone, so therefore to everyone else’s eyes, she would be (which is what would matter in this case). But yeah, them knowing alters things quite a bit, or rather, should have.

Wow, I’ve never thought about provisions at all. Uhhh, maybe the Wildlings were just really good and hunting/gathering in The Gift?


Did Jonny ever do the thing where he took a loan to feed the men on the wall? Maybe he was like “lol guys, all that is mine, sucks to be you, ‘kay bye.” Offscreen, of course.


Uh no. Stannis got the Iron Bank to back him, but then they forgave the Crown’s debts too because Mace sang at them. That was the loan subplot.


“it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.”
Thank you Shakespeare.


It just gets more and more relevant.


That one random Vale scene is all like
Yohn: “Hey, here’s some proof that you lied to us and are likely conspiring against us.”
Littlefinger: “I’m not conspiring. Maybe YOU’RE conspiring.”
Yohn: “Oh no :o”

Like, wasn’t it just two seasons ago that Littlefinger was nearly taken down by the Vale lords because they didn’t trust him? Did Sweetrobin grow up and become a lord with secure authority since then? What was even the point of this scene?

This retrospective made me appreciate how it’s very much just a drop in the bucket, though. God what a horrible plot

Maidens and Mules
Maidens and Mules

You’d think Littlefinger would at least try to play to Bronze Yohn’s desire to help Sansa reclaim her father’s legacy. Oh wait, this is Game of Thrones, not A Song of Ice and Fire. Nobody care about Ned Stark’s legacy.


Yup. That was almost line for line how that conversation went. And it’s RIDICULOUS that Sansa, knowing LF sold her out, knowing that there was a Vale army waiting, couldn’t have gone down there, thrown LF under the bus (she already has sway with the Vale Lords), and led the army herself.

Maidens and Mules
Maidens and Mules

I imagine that the two randos guarding Jon’s body with Davos and Edd were supposed to be Grenn and Pyp, but then Steve the Intern pointed out that they killed Grenn and Pyp in The Watchers on the Wall. What is this “planning more than one season ahead” thing that you speak of? Perfect title. To say “The North Forgets” would be to imply that the North intended to remember, but for whatever reason didn’t. Which is not in evidence. Really, it all ties back to D&D misunderstanding the meaning of Ned Stark’s death. It is not “honour gets you… Read more »


Great comment, the second paragraph especially.


Grenn’s death was effective at the time in absence of Donal Noye, but from what I remember, Pyp’s was just completely random. Poor Steve; I hope he at least gets his train tickets reimbursed for his commute. We had “The North Misremembers” for a little (from the rant & rave threads back during the season’s run), but the final scene showed that nah, they do like the Starks, but just weren’t in the mood before. Whoops. They must think honor got Ned killed and oh well. I can’t believe the Manderlys were name-dropped as much as they were for it… Read more »


I think one of the most galling lines to me is “We fight with the army we have!” for its profound Rumsfeldian BS. Like, no, you are the one planning the war. You are attacking. You get to decide how prepared you want to be. This is a choice.


What confuses me, and we get into this in Part 2 a lot, is that I can’t tell if D&D were trying to paint the man as an idiot or not. Because who is compelled by that?


If it isn’t meant to paint Jon as an idiot, then I don’t know what the point of ANY of the scenes of the battle are meant to portray. He deliberately ignores Sansa’s advice about Ramsay, helps get Rickon killed, and rashly charges the line of enemy forces, getting his own people killed in the process. I mean, unless it’s supposed to be related to the trauma of him being a dead, frozen meat sack for a few hours (days?), the answer has to be that they are trying to show that Jon is an idiot way over his head…… Read more »


Excellent recap… But while I know it´s strange to nitpick the nitpicks… Melisandre never actually used words “Azor Ahai” in the show as far as I know. And AA and TPTWP being the same thing is pretty much cannon.


Ah, thanks for that! We kind of assumed they included that world building back in S2, but of course not.


[…] right, we’re back in the of the Winterhell 2.0 plotline, this time with no Stannis. When we last left off, Julie, the combined forces of Kylie and Julia, entertained you for ten thousand words with a ~high […]

Ангелина (Angelina)
Ангелина (Angelina)

The problem: I can honeypot why Jon became the King. It’s quite easy: those guys&gals don’t give a damn about all that Stark mess, they just want a popular and mighty chieftain who would give them all they want. Bran is a cripple, Sansa is a girl, Jonny just now had won a battle on sheer luck and luck is a great thing when it comes to electing lawless chiefs.
All that Stark talk was just a self-justification)


I’m assuming they think Bran is dead, but I still think it’s an uphill claim that they didn’t notice how Sansa really brought the victory. Unless, in-verse sexism? But they dropped classism like a hot potato…

Ангелина (Angelina)
Ангелина (Angelina)

Theoretically, it could be reasoning like ‘with the war to come we need a male leader’ (suppose Davos had told everyone about zombies). But that doesn’t work because Jonny is AWFUL war chief. Even if they discount Sansa, they should have voted for Batfinger instead. He brough the troops, he won the battle (if we discount Sansa), he is – what is he in the show? Sweetrobin’s step-father and regent? I really didn’t get it with all his batfingering around(( But anyway he is a legitmate lord, not a bastard nor a Night Watch defector. The Vale lords are a… Read more »


I don’t think Sansa brought the victory, Batfinger did. The show tries to paint it this way, but in reality she doesn’t deserve credit. Batfinger saved the North. The show tries to portray it as a victory for the Starks, but for me the real hero of the North is Batfinger. That’s nearly the biggest shame of the storyline.


What really drives me up the wall is how Jon just accepts that he’s King in the North even though in the books it’s “Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa.” I don’t think they included Robb’s will and legitimization of Jon in the show, so he’s still technically illegitimate, and as far as I know legitimate women come before illegitimate men in the line of succession.


You’re right. My guess is this was the Checklist Effect, only in the books the will we be a thing, so it’ll make sense. But in this context, Jon as we know him would never accept that with her sitting right there.


“And so begins the Battle of Cannae sequence, though it’s much less impressive since it’s the smaller force that got trapped, and they did so by just being stupid.”

As a history student and obsessor over Roman Republican history, this made me want to tear my own eyeballs out. In the “After the Episode” bullshit, they’re SO PROUD of their “AWESOME HISTORIKAL REFRENCH” that makes NO SENSE and ignores WHY that was a feat of warcraft that is still cited to this day…

Suou no Nioi
Suou no Nioi

From what I’ve read, it wasn’t even originally supposed to be a Cannae reference. They were going for Agincourt and had to make changes because “needs changed” and budgets didn’t allow for it. Which, given that the director was given about 2/3 of the shooting time he said he would need, I think means “D&D wanted a huge battle sequence but didn’t really want to pay for it”.


[…] we are. We took you through the events. We explained the epic and meaningful bastard rivalry. And now, at last, Julie (the union of Julia […]

Suou no Nioi
Suou no Nioi

Okay, so I need to share something I just read about the battle sequence, because it’s amazing. Apparently, one of the things D&D wanted to emphasize in this battle is the effect of luck in a battle scenario like this. That Jon is a skilled fighter but that at the end of the day, the reason he wasn’t struck down by an arrow was just that he got lucky. I can’t with that, because Jon wasn’t lucky; he was wearing some really expensive plot armor. His horse took a hilariously large number of arrows and he didn’t even get grazed… Read more »


I enjoyed this a lot 🙂 But one thing I saw different: I honestly think that the KiTN scene was supposed to mean something different but it was so poorly planned/executed that made people read it as “Sansa is going to make Jon pay for the audacity of stealing her right claim when she’s the one that saved the day, how dare everybody??” but the context was pointing in another direction. It was the opening scene (LOOK THE BABY IS JON!!) that set the wrong tone for the whole sequence up until the *coronation*. Jon wasn’t rewarded for being a… Read more »


Isn’t the Night’s Watch’s whole purpose and reason why they were initially founded to fight against the Others? “Guard the realm of men” etc. No one ever said that the King in the North is the person who needs to fight against the Others. Sure, KITN can help, and so can other kings and lords. But the KITN, like all kings and lords, is primarily supposed to do kingly and lordly stuff, which means ruling over the kingdom, doing justice, doing diplomatic stuff, negotiating with other kingdoms, leading in times of war with other kingdoms (not Others related) and all… Read more »


I get what you are saying but I don’t think it makes any sense trying to make sense of the writing 😉 They have this checklist item from the books (Jon will be KiTN) so for them it was a cool scene and tied to their idea that Jon is the big action hero of the story so he needs those big damn moments. I highly highly doubt they gave too much tought to whether Sansa would have a claim or not. There wasn’t a consistent character build to make me think Jon would feel hurt at all that Sansa… Read more »


“Also, Beardy and UMBER have a faceoff, and Beardy bites through his carotid artery to win. Meaningful!” The Walking Dead did that so much better and more meaningful in context a few seasons ago. And this is the second time this month I’ve negatively compared the writing on GoT to the writing on TWD. (The previous one was in comments to the article about Violence and Empowerment, comparing the way TWD portrayed the heroes getting revenge-murdery against the villains a couple of seasons ago, to how GoT did it in season 6.) The fact that TWD can legitimately be used… Read more »


When Manderlys are involved, *I* regret nothing. It’s D&D who have cause to regret that they didn’t take full advantage, or any advantage, of the magnificence of all things Manderly. But they won’t regret it, because Manderlys are perpetually underestimated and underappreciated. Even by GRRM, given how little page time they all got.

House Corbray is wrong. The Merman’s Court is *my* heart’s home in Westeros.

Sarah Grace Zabel
Sarah Grace Zabel

I love your High Level Recap graphic almost as much as I love your high level recaps. They’re great!


I enjoyed all three parts. And then I re-read them and loved them even more. And then again. I’ll probably re-read it a couple times more, The Sansa Stark construct has to be one of my favorite characters ever. I only wish it was longer, like a episode by episode high level recap. Sorry, I love you guys and I understand how much of a torture this might be but your writing is parts hilarious and genius, I need more 🙂


[…] left? Why, that would be the action that takes place the land somewhere in between Winterhell and Horn Faire known as “the riverblands”. This retrospective is a little unique in that we […]

Timothy McLean
Timothy McLean

It seems like someone writing this arc decided to actually read GoT’s sexism complaints instead of just guessing what they were complaining about, but didn’t have the power to actually change anything important so he changed a bunch of largely unimportant stuff.

Re: God Delusion: As an atheist, I like when the topic of faith and rationality is handled in a thoughtful manner. As with everything else, D&D wield such themes with all the grace and subtlety of a sledgehammer.


“These Vale troops ride rough-shot over the entire Bolton force in about 20 seconds…”

I think you mean “roughshod”.


I learned something new today! Thank you 🙂


You’re welcome 🙂


Sam Drops Out of School & Other Fairly Stupid Tales, Part 2





Happy New Year! What better way is there to ring in 2019 than to ring out the final Game of Thrones Season 7 retrospective piece by Julia and Kylie? That’s right, their fusion is back and ready to dive into the plotlines of the many miscellaneous characters whose arcs could not fit into the previous analyses. While last time we were treated Sam’s semester in college, Jorah’s love-fueled journey, and some random yet highly-detailed fire reading, this time “Julie” will break down and extract the meaning of the show’s Dornish theater, the Greyjoys, and Olenna’s final days. We’re sure showrunners Benioff and Weiss (D&D) have something essential and weighty packed into them.

That’s what you get for loving your family!

Nicknames of note:

It is far past time that we concluded the Dornish chapter of this show. And this time we really mean it, since last year we had that fake-out in 6×01 where it seemed like they were never coming back too. We could be wrong; maybe next season we’ll see Elia Sand (Uller?) plotting her reign.

For those who don’t remember, at the very end of Season 6, Princess Faullaria Uller (Sand?) decided to team up with Deadpan and bring Olenna along with her. This was apparently such a great alliance for Deadpan that Varys, her emissary, was even willing to hide behind a curtain and get summoned with a bell. And for those who really don’t remember, or blocked things out, Faullaria and her “brood of bitches” murdered their own family members in the name of revenge for the deceased Oberyn Martell.

This year, we catch up with Princess Faullaria at that particular war-planning meeting where many mismatched plotlines converge. She agrees with Yara (and anyone possessing half a brain) that their best move is to use their overwhelming military presence to win the war. Right now. Go. Tyrion doesn’t want to win the war though, because it’s bad optics to have people die. Faullaria points out that it’s just kinda of the way of war, and Tyrion responds that of course she’d say such a thing…she murdered his niece!

Faullaria doubles down, saying Lannisters are guilty, until Deadpan tells them both to stuff it. Apparently Faullaria is to treat Tyrion with respect, and Tyrion is to lay out his master plan: a humanitarian siege of Cheryl’s Landing, carried out by the non-foreign troops of Dorne and Highgarden, with Yara and her fleet providing the transportation.

Faullaria is pleased enough with this, since it’s something action-y to do, we suppose. Also revenge!

Later, somewhere in the Narrow Sea on the way to Dorne, the Sand Fakes lie in hammocks together, discussing the upcoming siege and how dumb Tyene is for liking her mom. They’re trying to take dibs on who gets to kill whom, but shockingly they don’t come to an agreement, since they all hate each other. One of them also threatens to kill another, but it literally doesn’t matter who.

In a different room on the boat, Faullaria complains about the booze, since she only likes her Dornish Red. She then fishes for Yara’s sexuality, which turns out to be both-sexual. Kylie’s heart warms at this representation. Faullaria then tries to order Theon to refill her drink, and Yara tells her not to be an asshole. For some reason Faullaria takes this as a cue to start flirting more intensely with Yara, to the obvious discomfort of Theon. Part of this flirting includes her describing her moves up Yara’s leg as “a foreign invasion.” But wait! We thought the Dornish weren’t foreign, which is why they’re participating in this humanitarian siege! We’re so confused…

Mercifully for everyone, the foreign invasion is cut short by an invasion of Euron’s fleet, who no one saw coming. There’s a big, stylized battle on the boats, and Obara and Nym are both killed with their own weapons by Euron. Tyene and Faullaria are taken captive, despite them asking to be killed.

The next we see them, they are being led through the streets on leashes, to the cheering of the denizens of King’s Landing, who now very much like Euron Greyjoy. Or maybe just parades. Faullaria and Tyene are brought before Cheryl as a gift (not the gift, mind you), and Cheryl almost seems turned on by this. Neato.

Then, she decides to have Tyene and Faullaria chained up in the same dungeon across the room from one another. She comes in wearing the brightest lipstick known to man, and proceeds to monologue at them about various topics, which we have covered in depth in our Cherry Bomb retrospective. Relevant here is the fact that Oberyn looked super hot, Faullaria murdered Madison, and Cheryl thinks Tyene is a “perfect Dornish Beauty.” Then she kisses Tyene on the lips with whatever that poison is and leaves the room so that Faullaria will have to watch Tyene die in 5-35 minutes. Or if she gets sexually aroused, we suppose, like Bronn.

And that’s it! No more Dornish for Season 7.

So, we’re kind of known around these parts for liking Dorne. Therefore, the fact that we not only don’t want to talk about this, but have basically nothing to say, should be rather indicative of how this landed for us.

Taking this into consideration, the overarching arc of the Dornish (read: Princess Faullaria) is that she was consumed by revenge to her doom. She killed Doran and had Trystane killed in the name of exacting revenge on the Lannisters, she murdered a young girl just for being a Lannister, and she threw what we guess is her whole kingdom’s support behind Deadpan just to have a shot at bringing down the Lannisters. Because if there’s one thing the Martells (and quasi-Martells) do, it’s create speedy alliances and get rid of family members for their own selfish interest.

And yeah, futility of revenge: they failed, and failed so badly, they all died to their own weapons, other than Faullaria who was forced to watch.

We kind of like stories that examine the futility of revenge. The issue, is that…this was in service of Cheryl’s revenge. We guess she’s at least the bad guy this season, but it’s framed as her “winning,” just like Olenna coming clean about Joffrey’s death was her “winning” the scene with Larry. Revenge, no matter how monstrous, is still the one valid motivation that is often successful on this show, and we honestly don’t see anyone particularly consumed by it in a negative way. Revenge is Arya’s whole thing, right? And the scripts say we were supposed to be at least somewhat on her side this year.

In some ways, this Dornish plot is a counterpoint that makes the case we’ve been trying to make: revenge = no good. Yet we have a really hard time with the treatment of the Dornish on this show, because them “getting theirs” seemed less about any action they took, and more about audience wish-fulfillment for offing hated characters. People found Nym’s whip annoying? Well let’s have her strangled by it. Obara gets impaled. Tyene gets poisoned.

Warning: a mildly gory picture to show what we mean

We know this is weird, but it feels like we were given audience revenge at the same time our antagonist was getting revenge. So…who exactly was shedding a tear for anyone in this case, or at least enough to learn a lesson about the caustic cycle of revenge?

We also need to talk about the “foreign” thing. And yes, this is something we’ve talked about ad nauseum. Our biggest issue this year was that the show could not decide who was foreign and who wasn’t. Deadpan is a “foreign whore,” despite being from the family with the longest-standing monarchical tradition in the country who were deposed well within living memory. Faullaria and the Dornish are not foreign when they need to participate in a siege over the Unsullied and Dothraki, but are foreign when they need to make racialized sex jokes. We could try and discuss that perhaps Faullaria feels more othered by the systems than someone like Tyrion would consider her to be? But that’s really, really stretching it given that A) this was never explored at all, B) the Dornish are about as othered as you can get on this show, and C) we doubt D&D gave that exchange two seconds of thought.

Our point is, this didn’t land, and the discomfort we have with the racialized aspect of this plotline is always present. Hell, Cheryl even called Tyene a “perfect Dornish beauty.” Do they not hear how this sounds?

There’s really nothing more we can say about the Dornish, unless we just want to cry into our copies of A Feast for Crows. It’s a really, really good theater in the books if you allow yourself to focus on the fraught family dynamics. Read it, and let’s ignore this pig slop.

Theon Gets His Arc Back

Nicknames of note:

Theon has been a bit of a head-scratcher for us. For those who may not remember, last year, Theon scrapped about five years worth of development to go support his sister’s claim to the Iron Islands and also to get screamed at by her. This was obviously much more meaningful than helping the person he had grown up with as a sister (Sansa) and with whom he shared a trauma.

The other meaning to be found there was that Yara told him (in an episode titled “The Broken Man”) to either stop having PTSD or to off himself because he’s not useful anymore. According to D&D at the time, it was the “tough love” Theon needed, and we even got to see a glimpse of the “old Theon.” Let’s check in on how that “cured” Theon is making out now.

The first we see of Theon and Yara is at the wonderful plotline convergence meeting where Yara forcefully (very good part) tells the room that they should attack King’s Landing with their overwhelming military advantage. As we’ve detailed before, this gets dismissed, and Yara seems chill with the new plan involving her ferrying Dornish troops to a humanitarian siege. Theon is also there and says nothing.

Next, Yara does indeed ferry said Dornish, and we really, really wish that no one said anything at all on this trip. But no, it’s the f-cking foreign invasion scene again (please don’t make us re-describe it). The one thing to note in terms of the Greyjoys here is that Yara is very defensive of Theon, and you can legitimately tell there’s affection between the siblings. This is especially apparent since it’s juxtaposed to the Sand Fakes threatening to murder each other and making fun of Tyene for liking her mom. But even without that charming context, it very much tracks that Yara and Theon look out for one another. Does that mean we’re chill with Theon dropping Sansa like a hot potato to warp to Yara’s side when their interaction was ostensibly the whole reason Sansa took the place of Jeyne Poole? No. But this is…nice? Better than the Fakes?

Too bad it only lasts about five seconds, because you’ll never guess who attacks: Euron! In the middle of the—you guessed it—overly stylized fighting, we see both Yara and Theon holding their own fairly well. However, they lose, and things take a major turn for Theon when Euron captures Yara and holds a blade to her throat. Euron purposely taunts “Little Theon” to try and save Yara, and Theon, clearly triggered by the surroundings, jumps overboard as Euron laughs.

Now, to be honest, we’re slightly confused by this. We’re not confused why Yara yelling at Theon didn’t actually work as a magic cure to PTSD, and frankly relieved that it didn’t. However, we aren’t tracking this portrayal of trauma. We 100% get that PTSD doesn’t make narrative sense in real life, and we don’t want to argue that it should. It’s just…this is PTSD D&D very purposely re-included this season for Theon to re-get-over-it (spoiler). And it’s also clear that Alfie Allen was directed to act in a triggered manner during the confrontation with Euron, but not beforehand in the midst of the fighting.

As a result, given the way it’s framed and the moment he breaks, it’s almost like we’re supposed to view Euron as Theon’s primary abuser. Or maybe it’s that any asshole reminds him of Ramsay—that mildly works, right? But more and more by rewatching this, we just see it as setting up Euron to be some kind of weird big-bad for Theon to take down as a proxy for Ramsay. That’s certainly how his arc gets set up for next year, as we’ll discuss shortly. To that…Ramsay never needed to be “his kill” in the first place, or anyone’s in particular. Because it’s possible to heal without violent revenge, amazingly. We don’t see why setting Euron up as this bad for Theon to topple is necessary, especially when it involves so many forced moments and teleporting fleets.

In fairness, Yara being threatened by Euron could have reminded Theon of Sansa in duress and served as a trigger. That’s fine, we guess. Again, the framing was more about Theon’s relationship to Euron, but fine. What’s really bothering us is that the portrayal still conflates PTSD with cowardice, and certainly continues the whole “oh this is inconvenient and unhelpful” aspect of it. That’s the very explicit framing. Yara even has a reaction shot of her looking put-out and disappointed by the whole thing.

Continuing on—and since this is technically our recap of both Theon and Yara—we should note that Yara gets captured, put on a leash, and paraded through Cheryl’s Landing, where she mildly rolls her eyes at Euron shit-talking her brother. Then she disappears for the rest of the season.

Theon, meanwhile, gets fished out of the sea by a boat of grumpy Greyjoy men who were loyal to Yara apparently? They get very mad at Theon for being alive and deduce that he must have run away or not really tried to save Yara, rather than any of the other thousand possibilities for why someone could end up in the ocean after a battle on ships. Also, these assholes are alive, so are they admitting to being cowards? Were they some kind of weird rear flank? Do they have names? Apparently, yes. The one who speaks with forceful dialogue (good part) is “Harrag.”

So Hagrid takes Theon and the grumpy Greyjoy men back to Dragonstone, where Theon is greeted by…Jonny Cardboard? The kinda-prisoner and also king of a different land?

He stomped ahead of Missandei, so Theon didn’t get the usual Dragonstone welcome…

Jonny is not happy to see Theon, but Theon kind of head-nods at him and asks if Sansa is okay. Jonny tells him that Sansa is the only reason he’s not going to kill him. We suppose this is reasonable on some level, even if we think the anger is a click above Kit Harington’s acting range. Theon tells him that he wants to talk to Deadpan so that she’ll help him rescue Yara.

Several episodes later, Theon has made no progress on this front and didn’t even try to interrupt Deadpan and Tyrion’s conversation about how she doesn’t like to date short dudes and should make a will. Instead, he patiently waits for the day of the wight moot, where he doesn’t participate in the pre-moot walk and talks. So much for him catching up with Brienne.

We don’t want to recap the pit scene ever again, and luckily Theon mostly just stands in the background, so we don’t have to. However, at one point towards the beginning, Euron just stands up and interrupts the meeting to yell at him that he has Yara and will kill her if he doesn’t submit to him on the spot. Everyone exchanges annoyed glances, and we suppose Theon didn’t really take that threat seriously, because he just looks confused and vaguely uncomfortable.

In fact, Tyrion even tries to move on by saying, “I think we ought to begin with larger concerns.” Ouch, Yara.

Later, everyone’s back at Dragonstone and getting ready to board the S.S. Boatsex. Theon decides this is a great time to talk to Jon about his character arc, since Jon has been so intimately involved with it. Like that one time Theon and Jon were both in the room to get a shave and a haircut. Or that other time when Theon pointed out that the smallest puppy was Jon’s.

Theon begins by talking about the internal conflict that was always raging inside him, and not at all resolved in any way when he risked his life to save Sansa, or when he warped back to support Yara’s election. Frankly, if we had been given his arc as scripted, we’d probably need to hash it out too. He also notes how impressive Jonny is because he never has any moral dilemmas, and never tells lies.

Jonny is more humble than anyone and kind of dismisses that praise, but tells Theon how he should have been more appreciative of the people who were holding him hostage, because they were good people. Ned would even slow clap for his daughters sometimes. Then Jonny, working hard on his 8th grade book report, decides to resolve the whole thing for Theon: he tells him he’s not a Stark or a Greyjoy, but a Strayboy who doesn’t need to choose! Theon is touched.

This also somehow leads to the revelation that he has to go save his sister, who he already wanted to save, because she was nice to him, just like the people who had been holding him hostage. And this is only possible with his new mixed Stark/Greyjoy identity? Yara didn’t have that, and she still decided to try and save Theon in Season 4, but whatever. Only Starks love their family, don’t ya know?

Not now, Arya!

Theon decides that to save Yara, he has to convince Hagrid Harrag and all of his buddies to join him. They’re on the beach, getting rowboats ready to board their own ship so they can take up the traditional Ironborn values of raping and reaving. Theon finds this out and reminds them that Yara gave it up after Deadpan asked her to (but not before). Hagrid doesn’t seem to care since she’s out of sight, out of mind. Theon tries to pull rank and say he’s in charge and they’re going to go rescue Yara—you know, their queen. Hagrid still doesn’t care, man. Then they fight.

Theon seems to be getting his butt kicked, until… Ugh. Until Hagrid tries to kick Theon in the balls, but Theon was castrated and therefore doesn’t have them. So that naturally means he feels no pain at all when slammed in the groin area, and in fact seems to enjoy it. The pleasant sensation of Hagrid’s foot in his crotch empowers Theon to deliver the single greatest headbutt in the history of filmed headbutts. Then he proceeds to win the fight! Yay!!

He also symbolically washes himself in salt water afterwards, like any good Stark/Greyjoy hybrid would do. He then tells the rest of the men that they’re off to save Yara, and they all seem thrilled. We guess fights are the Ironborn equivalent of parades?

And there we go: that’s his arc. It seems oddly familiar to us, mostly because he decided that his actual loyalty should have been to the Starks in early Season 3, and explicitly said that to Ramsay at the time. Then we were also told that his rescuing Sansa in Season 5 was necessary to amend the “great original sin” of his life. And then, he had also very comfortably gone off to support Yara’s claim, and spoke for her eloquently (more so than she managed) at the Salt Moot, because you know…he figured he could be a Stark and a Greyjoy.

Oh also, he was magically cured of PTSD at the very end of Season 6, too.

Call us cynics, but we’re finding this to be a sloppy reboot just one season after everyone else’s sloppy reboot. Maybe Theon isn’t “cured,” and D&D know that too. We’re less skeptical that they realized it at the time, since there’s no denying that both Yara screaming at him in Volantis and Theon getting kicked in the crotch were both framed as these moments where Theon looks up and is suddenly empowered/back to form. And of course, getting kicked in the crotch is explicitly in the script as an “advantage from his castration,” which to us reads as some kind of reclamation of trauma.


In fact, looking up D&D’s thoughts on the matter, (even though we do feel the show should be considered in isolation since that’s what audiences take in,) we were right! D&D totally thought they ‘fixed’ Theon in Season 6, but then writing for this season were like, “Oh huh, this seems to be an intense situation for someone given his very experiences.”

“We maybe fooled ourselves into thinking that Theon was out of the woods on his whole Reek experience, and as we were writing it, we realized that you don’t just get over what happened to him. That’s something that’s going to be part of him for the rest of his life. And this is a place that triggers the worst of that experience.” —Dan Weiss

And of course, let’s relish in how messed up it is that he couldn’t save one sister, and now can’t save the other. Boy, do they gush about the looks Alfie Allen is able to give the camera.

We really, really found this in bad taste—the whole arc, frankly. And insultingly boring, since it’s both a rehash, as well as just Jon vomiting his view of a character arc onto us. Why is Jon in any position to judge any of this? Because he can never tell a lie? And why was that framed as being more significant than Sansa already having forgiven him two season prior?

Also what the hell are they talking about that he’s a Stark and a Greyjoy? This didn’t influence anything! Theon wanted to save Yara as soon as he arrived back at Dragonstone following the battle at sea, and then still wanted to save Yara following his conversation with Jon. Was being told of his Strayboy roots the confidence boost he needed to talk to Hagrid again? And if so, why? It just seemed like this random conversation shoved in there, because Jon is a Stark proxy, and D&D wanted to show Theon being forgiven. Naturally Sansa’s forgiveness wasn’t good enough; she’s a girl.

But what does JON think about it?

What bothers us is that this moment really should have been impactful, since it’s not like we think Theon’s story in Season 1 and 2 was poorly done. In fact, we kinda liked it up until the torture porn. The issue is that this conclusion was already reached in Season 3, and everything else appears to be setting up some kind of crowning badass moment for him against Euron, which is simply not earned or necessary. Which is, coincidentally, the sum total of what we have to say about Theon’s arc this year.

Hooligan Without A Cause

What do you do when you have a villain who is *super evil*, but also wacky? Well, if you were D&D, you killed him off in faux-poetic justice via dogs who wait for dramatically satisfying moments. But now you have to one-up that with your next antagonist. So the only logical conclusion is to write a hooligan with a multiple personalities [sic] because that’s how “psychopaths” are.

All of this is very evident from the moment that Euron Greyjoy appears on screen this season, clad in a rockin’ leather jacket (completely with eyeliner), and doing what is very obviously a Jack Sparrow impersonation.

You see, Cheryl has invited Euron and his giant, enormous fleet (that he made overnight from all the trees on the Iron Islands) to make an alliance, because she is totally boned without more troops. Euron, instead of taking this opportunity to attack the completely defenseless Cheryl’s Landing and claim the Iron Throne as his own, decides to take a different opportunity and bitch about how his niece and nephew were so mean to steal some of his ships during his drowning coronation. He also feels apparently very secure that Cheryl won’t turn on him, because, while the throne room is full of her guards, Euron hasn’t even brought Priesty McBeardface as moral support.


Hooligan time! His new, unpredictable wish this season is to marry Cheryl, so that together they can kill Theon and Yara, and potentially Deadpan, who he now wants dead since she…sided with Yara? All this will make him feel “a lot better,” and he’s also decided that Cheryl is the most beautiful woman in the world—we guess he originally wanted to go after Deadpan before seeing Cheryl’s cute pixie cut.

Cheryl and Larry are not totally convinced, though. Larry points out how Euron is a shitty, kinslaying ally, and that they totally lost the Greyjoy rebellion too. Euron shrugs though; he had too many relatives anyway. When Cheryl notes that he’s a super annoying braggart, he fires back how she’s not humble either, since awesome people aren’t humble. For some reason unbeknownst to us, Cheryl then tells him that he’s too untrustworthy to ally with, which is why she invited his entire army? We guess she’s a hooligan too.

Euron, rather than now taking this opportunity after a slight to sack the—again—undefended city, says he must go off and impress Cheryl by bringing her a gift. Is it Tyrion again?

Evidently not, since the next we see of Euron, he’s attacking the Pornish/Yara conglomerate, and enjoying himself a lot. He purposely singles out Obara and Nym to kill with their own weapons (at least, we don’t think he did this to anyone else), before holding Yara hostage and taunting Theon, as we described. Honestly, we’ve never seen a man this happy in all our lives. Oh, and he ordered his men to take Faullaria and Tyene alive.

His ebullience continues at what seems like the next day, when he marches in a parade down Cheryl’s Landing, with Yara, Faullaria, and Tyene all on leashes. #WomenOnTop. He personally holds Yara’s leash, and as she looks done with it, he jokes around about how stupid Theon looked running away, and how he’s a “twat.” The people clap excitedly.

Once in the throne room, Euron presents Faullaria and Tyene as if he’s a magician at an 8-year-old’s birthday party who pulled a rabbit out of his hat. Cheryl seems genuinely happy/turned on by this, but is oh-so devious that she tells him they’ll certainly be married…after the war is won. Euron is 100% content with this. He even asks Larry for some sex advice! Because hooligans don’t care about incest.

Poor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.

Some amount of time later that’s less than two weeks, Euron takes his armada and attacks Casterly Rock, on the other side of the continent. Our biggest confusion is how his armada hadn’t crossed paths with the Unsullied fleet already, but whatever. He was laser-focused on Yara’s people, we guess.

At Casterly Rock, he manages to prevent the Unsullied from escaping in their ships, so that they have to walk back across the continent. We suppose this means Cheryl is still in control of Casterly Rock? But we’re absolutely guessing.

Finally, it’s time for the wight moot, and for Euron to circumnavigate the continent once again. Now mild spoilers, but he has a ~secret meeting~ with Cheryl just before this moot, where they decide that he will fake-get scared of the army of the dead, fake-leave Cheryl’s alliance, and then really sneak off to Essos to ferry a recently secured sellsword group of Cheryl’s. That’s the most reasonable thing we’ve ever heard.

(Also what did this add to Cheryl’s benefit? Why does it matter if they think Euron left, other than potentially giving Deadpan and Jonny a reason to walk away from the table completely? Dead horse, we get it.)

At the wight moot, Euron decides to hooligan it up by interrupting at the start to taunt Theon about how he has Yara. He says that he will kill her unless Theon surrenders to him on the spot. Everyone exchanges annoyed looks and Cheryl tells him to sit down and be quiet. Then comes the time for his amazing feint! He does it convincingly, and hits on Deadpan in the process. Time to go to Essos!

And thus are the adventures of Euron Greyjoy in Season 7.

If we had to analyze this, which we suppose we do, it’s pretty obvious that Euron’s biggest motivator is getting revenge on Yara and Theon for…not standing around and letting him kill them after he was elected King. After all, the first we see of Euron this year is him complaining about how rude they were, so obviously this is something affecting him on a deep level. In fact, he even tells Cheryl how killing them will “make him feel better.”

We guess in terms of dynastic concerns and potential challenges, it’s not that dumb. And to that end, he’s on his way. He has Yara, he wants to taunt Theon (and make empty threats about it)…fine.

Then there’s the other aspect, which is that Euron wants a queen, and his sights are now set on Cheryl rather than Deadpan. We have to assume this is because Deadpan allied with Theon and Yara and that hurt his feelings, or made him think he wouldn’t be successful in pursuing her. In fact, he’s so committed to finding a queen that he’s willing to go to lengths to impress Cheryl, when she is the one who needs him far more. He controls the Iron Islands; it’s fine!

It’s very hard for us to reconcile these two competing drives, especially since he spends the lion’s share of the season warping around and catching troops as demanded by the plot. Perhaps it takes our extremely excessive and encyclopedic knowledge of Westerosi geography to truly appreciate how improbable all his movements are, but needless to say, it sticks out. And it’s stupid. The idea that Deadpan is just on Dragonstone and can’t see fleets coming and going from Cheryl’s Landing is stupid. That’s why Dragonstone is an important military position and no one would leave it abandoned.

Then we have to consider what Pilou Asbæk has said about the character he’s playing. For one, he says that Euron is “more of a hooligan” and that Ramsay was “100% evil,” whereas Euron is not. He’s fun-loving and thus “more conflicted.” Asbæk also has spoken on multiple occasions that Euron is a “different guy every scene.” He clarified this year with the following:

“Dan, David, all the scenes you guys have written, I love every single line of it. But can we recreate him? I want to make him rock and roll. I want to be a superstar…. All of the psychopaths I’ve met in my lifetime have multiple personalities. Not like they’re schizophrenic, but they can adapt to the people they are surrounded with. He’s a chameleon.”

Now, we normally have to take anything an actor says with a heavy salt-lick on this show, like how Nat Dormer was convinced Tommen was 17, and how Isaac Hempstead Wright compared Bran to an CCTV department. Actors do what they have to do with the role to give the portray that makes sense to them.

However, Asbæk credits himself with turning Euron into a “rockstar,” and he actually has been talking about how he’s a different character and a fun-loving hooligan for two years. So it’s not to blame him, but we’re blaming him. Also, it means his approach to this role is to be a rockstar with a different personality in each scene. That is his goal with these scripts.


We don’t know what to do with this information. Because it seems to be a feature, not a bug, in the eyes of D&D that his actions make absolutely no sense and there’s no overarching character to even analyze. Like…okay, he likes Cheryl this year. He sure doesn’t like his niece and nephew and still wants to murder them. And he’s really good at repeatedly moving his armada around the southern coast of Dorne.

We can’t take this guy seriously. If we’re supposed to view him as somehow more nuanced than Ramsay, then that did not land at all. At least Ramsay had daddy issues and a semblance of an arc surrounding that, no matter how bad we found that execution. Euron is just some idiot who likes to complain that he had an opponent in an election one time. Maybe they think this is really cutting and clever Trump criticism, but all we see is some weird Jack Sparrow impersonator, and it’s not very effective at getting any point across at all, let alone a contemporary political one. Not to mention, D&D gush about how Euron is a character who can actually walk the walk, so…

Frankly, we don’t think D&D put any thought into this character other than what would seem “badass,” and what could build stakes for Theon, or maybe even top Ramsay. On both counts, they failed. However, they did succeed in making us want the Euron of the books, and that in and of itself is a smashing success.

Lean In, Deadpan

We wanted to close by talking about Olenna, because this is the close of the Tyrell saga on the show as well, which has been at least one of the more interesting components. Unless, of course we get some kind of Margaery Stoneheart in Season 8. (What would her driving motivation be? To make more catty remarks to Cheryl from beyond the grave?)

The thing is, we’ve never really liked Olenna as a character on this show. We mean, Julia loves Olenna Redwyne from the books, and has written fanfic about her teenage psyche, but on the show, she’s just been this anachronistic, pithy comment machine whose pluckiness has gotten really, really old. She also acts like a kindergartner sometimes, but we’re supposed to think she is this great political player because she wouldn’t let Carol sit with her that one time.

It’s a wonder she didn’t stick her tongue out too…

So imagine our shock when upon rewatching this stupid plotline for the 14th time, we rather enjoyed Olenna’s contributions. She’s in officially two scenes, and they are just fantastic.

The first is that infamous meeting of the Powerful-Women-of-Weisseroff-Gathered-to-Listen-to-Tyrion. Olenna seems aware of this confused messaging, and her first contribution to the conversation is to point out how Tyrion’s plan is basically to allow their armies (meaning the Tyrells, Martells, and Greyjoys) do all of Deadpan’s fighting for her, while she seemingly sits back. This is true. Even when Tyrion says the Unsullied are going to Casterly Rock, there’s no plan for the Dothraki, and certainly no plan for Deadpan to use her weapons of mass destruction. Because it’s uncivilized to win a war outright, or whatever.

Olenna then points out the limits of the strategy of Deadpan seeking out the approval of the people to grant her legitimacy (through a humanitarian siege, no less). After all, Marg was super popular, and the smallfolk still didn’t appear to give a shit when she got blown up. They even came and cheered for what they thought would be a slut-shame walk over her perjury.

After the meeting, Deadpan asks to speak to Olenna alone, since she knows that’s her one ally who doesn’t really care about Deadpan at all but just wants revenge. Frankly, the Dornish are operating the same exact way, but Olenna seemed clearly put off by Tyrion’s awful plan, whereas Faullaria came around. Deadpan offers Olenna some stupid platitudes about how she will grant peace in their time. Olenna, however, is an old lady whose entire family was just brutally murdered. She didn’t care about peace at the end of last year, and she certainly doesn’t this year.

But she does give Deadpan some advice about what she’s been observing during this meeting: basically, that Deadpan is letting Tyrion make all of her decisions, and he seems taken with his own cleverness. She tells her that she, Olenna, got as far in life as she did by not listening to “clever men.” Probably like how she overrode her son’s decision to marry Margaery to someone violent by plotting and executing his murder in a very surreptitious way. Olenna concludes by telling Deadpan to “be a dragon,” which in context means that she should trust her own instincts and be a true decision-maker. Lean in, Deadpan.

If we can sidebar for just a second, we’re actually kicking ourselves for not seeing this sooner. Up until this point, we wrote the conversation off as some stupid false empowerment (which…can you blame us?). “Okay, go be grapes, Olenna Redwyne.” This was especially not helped when later in this plotline, Olenna talks about the sigil of House Tyrell as if it’s the actual reason for the sack of Highgarden being so simple. But taking this scene into consideration on its own, she really is telling her to not be controlled by Tyrion, which is…exactly what happens. In fact, this point serves to muddy everything that happens on Dragonstone, since Tyrion’s “mission” this year is to curb Deadpan’s impulses, and it’s framed as something good and moral for him to do.

So, are we supposed to think Olenna is full of shit? That she’s the devil on Deadpan’s shoulder? Or does this just mean that Deadpan can “be a dragon” and trust in her instincts when those instincts allow her to bail out a different man?

We don’t get exactly what D&D were going for in the context of the whole season, but given how everything unfolds, we are 100% on-board with what Olenna is saying here. Tyrion is too taken with himself, Deadpan can do better than parroting his words (like when she says she’s not there to be “queen of the ashes), and frankly a ruler should recognize the fact that the buck stops with her. Also yes, the smallfolk are mercurial and unreliable, Deadpan should look to Marg as a cautionary tale, and peace is a sisyphean effort.

Good points, Olenna.

Later, Larry shows up to her cottage castle containing her giant army and easily sacks it while Olenna sits in her room. He then marches in so he can kill her in a humane/dignified manner. Most of this scene is actually about Larry. He talks about how he learned from the Whispering Wood (not really applicable here, bud), and how this genius military move was so important to his character growth. Olenna shrugs and says Tywin should have taken Highgarden years ago. We’re sure Robert would have been cool with that. (Okay, maybe he would have been.)

Olenna, probably for the aforementioned reason that she’s an old lady and her whole family is dead, is quite stoic about this about-to-be-killed thing. She reminisces on how she’s done some shitty things, but at least she’s not as vile as the monstrous Cheryl. We still say this is a bit of a pot and kettle situation, but we suddenly like Olenna this year, and Cheryl did blow up a societal institution and waterboard a nun for kicks. Larry offers Olenna some poisoned wine that he promises won’t hurt at all, and she gulps it down like it’s her favorite soda.

Knowing she’s dead any second, she decides to then exposit on how speaking of poisoned wine, she did that to Joffrey, lol. She says she wants Cheryl to know, and…fine. Take your revenge on your way out, Olenna—whatever.

The thing is, had she been adapted faithfully from the start and these were her final two scenes, we probably would have been fairly pleased. We think it’s gross that D&D framed this particular scene as being about how cool it is that Larry finally got to kill someone, but how Olenna “won” the scene all the same thanks to this Joffrey knowledge. Still, her motivations and attitude are actually making sense and tracking from previous seasons, and they make us feel for her.

This character in general has been a very reliable source of rage for us on this show since she appeared in Season 3. When we think of Olenna, we think of the scene where she threatens to beat the septa following Marg around, or when she stops her carriage so that she can comment on the poo smell from the city. Or when she calls Loras a “sword swallower” while officially negotiating with Tywin. Sometimes, in the right mood, we also think about the scene where she talks about stealing her sister’s betrothed by banging him the night before he had been slated to “propose”.

It’s stupid, and it’s clear they’ve never known what they were doing with her. They certainly never understood what Martin was trying to do with this character either, but frankly, join the club Olenna. This is the show with revenge-at-all-costs Ellaria Sand.

Still, Olenna’s scenes this year were fine, much to our shock. We might even miss her next year, because what she was saying is what we proceeded to yell at our screens the rest of Season 7. Anyway, lean in, Deadpan…lean in!

How ’bout that Season 7

We’re sure this will come as a shock to everyone, but after going through 4 retrospectives in 8 parts that covered 11 different plot lines (12 if you’re willing to separate out Jon and Tyrion a bit), we’re not all that impressed with the season as a whole. Sure, ending with a focus on Olenna was kind of like having an after-dinner-mint following a very nauseating meal, and we truly were happy that we were able to feel something in the ballpark of positive for a change. It’s just, considering the rest of the season…what a mess. The ~main tension~ was quite clearly a nonsensical military conflict featuring teleporting armies and confused holdings, just to get to a point where there could be a truce meeting because the fake-out of Cheryl helping was oh-so clever? Or because shoving the characters we’ve been following together is supposed to be meaningful?

Then on the wings, there’s Arya threatening to cut off her sister’s face and wear it (which we’re supposed to at least somewhat sympathize with), Sam coming across every plot-necessary bombshell in randomly-grabbed books, and Theon rehashing an already muddled and problematic arc. Suffice it to say, the other tales we just recapped did not exactly save it for us.

Season 6’s theme seemed to be wheelspinning. The characters almost all repeated everything they did in Season 5, and then three characters magically ascended to positions of power that were either unearned or made no sense for them to inhabit on a societal level. Season 7 is…we honestly don’t know. Knocking chess pieces off the board like a drunk cat because it’s hard to write so many characters? It’s driving towards some kind of ~big finale~ whose meaning is derived entirely from “we’ve known these characters for a while and they know each other!”, which is likely why Season 7 had so many Season 1 callbacks, as well as walk-and-talks where the scripts tried frantically to recall what shared history any of them had. But it just didn’t do anything in the long run, and that’s because the contrivances required to get anyone anywhere this season were so obvious:

  • Deadpan’s army needed to be reduced in size for a more even conflict with Cheryl, so it was
  • Cheryl and Larry needed to break up, but not before Larry could make those stunning military victories, so they just randomly did
  • Larry needed stunning military victories, so they happened
  • Sandor needed to begin fire reading, so he did
  • Sam needed to come back to Winterfell and team back up with Jon, so he did
  • Euron needed to capture Yara and raise stakes for Theon, so he did

The most earned moment was Bran getting back to Winterfell, because at least we tracked that journey and it didn’t involve Arya’s continent-crossing teleportation of last season.

We’re not surprised. This season was the best example of “creatively it made sense because we wanted it to happen” to date. We’re just glad we only have one more season of those creative sparks left to go.

Images courtesy of HBO

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Sam Drops Out of School & Other Fairly Stupid Tales, Part 1





Hi. Julie here. Your friendly neighborhood amalgamation of Kylie and Julia, who have slowly lost their sense of self during 7 seasons of the worst TV show to ever receive universal acclaim. That’s right, we’re talking about the masterpiece of David Benioff and Dan Weiss (D&D), Game of Thrones! The good news is, this is going to be our last retrospective for Season 7. The bad news is that it’s about 50 different characters, few of whom have a real “arc” of which we can speak.

Backing up, for anyone who is new to us, or The Fandomentals, or this corner of the internet, Julie’s favorite pastime is water acrobatics. But her second favorite activity is rewatching Game of Thrones one finger plotline at a time, to truly immerse herself in its tale to see what this highly lauded show is saying. So far, the results have been…not much. Also possibly sexism.

This time, however, she’s closing out Season 7 by taking care of all those geographically inconvenient plot threads that didn’t fit into the previous categories. Or rather, did (at least tangentially), but Julie was already writing 15,000 word pieces to the chagrin of her editor.

Who’s involved this time? Well, basically everyone. Sam, Theon, Yara, Euron, “Ellaria Sand”, Tyene, Nym, “Barbaro”, Olenna, the merry band of brothers traveling north, their snappy canine, Jorah the Andal, some red shirts… It’s a long list.

While we’d normally use the space right here to provide Bachelor contestant-style picture frames alongside their assigned monikers, we also didn’t want 7 pages of images to kick things off. Instead, we’re going to provide a guide to newly mentioned nicknames in each section, and if there’s any names you spot that you don’t recognize, please refer to the one and only Book Snob Glossary.

We also recognize that we can’t possibly recap these completely unrelated events and talk about each character in one document. Well…intentionally unrelated for D&D, anyway. While our format has generally been to give you a:

…and then talk through the implications in a serious analysis (normally a second article), this time, we’re going to give you an:

…for each of the plot threads alone. It will be humorous in tone, yet take a genuine crack at deeper analysis along the way. Because mood dissonance is the way to get taken seriously on the internet!

In this first piece, we’ll look at Sam, Jorah, and the Brotherhood with Vague Continuity (with their pet Hound). You can also check out Part 2 to read whatever we can find to say about Dorne, the Greyjoys we are supposed to root for (we think), the Greyjoy we are not supposed to root for, and whatever we can say about the Dowager Sasstress Olenna.

So without further ado, let’s chat Sam.

Showboating Sam Drops out of School

Nicknames of note:

Slop. Scrape. Gag.

For anyone who doesn’t recall, when we last left Sam, he had just ditched his girlfriend and his adopted son in a hallway so he could look at the library of Oldtown State. You see, it has the best maester program in the land (and not just the only one), so no wonder he’d be in awe.

“What’s the most effective way to train maesters?” you ask. Why with a training montage, of course. And what else would fill such a training montage other than serving soup to people, stacking books, and cleaning chamber pots. In increasingly rapid succession. There’s a rhythm to it, and the fluids being poured into the bowls and out of the bowls all resemble each other.

Was this how Maester Luwin trained too?

In the middle of this coursework, Sam also notices a gated area of the library: the Restricted Section. He stares at it wistfully a lot. He also has one actual course, which we assume is “Human Dissection 201.” In it, Sam assists Maester Slughorn, who appears to be Sam’s personal professor at this school. Also the Archmaester? It must be a private university…

Slughorn seems like he’s actually somewhat qualified to teach people, though he doesn’t exactly encourage his student’s curiosity. Or any curiosity at all. While Slughorn is preoccupied with the weight of an alcoholic’s liver, Sam asks about gaining access to the Restricted Section so that he might go about his research project on the White Walkers. You know…the whole reason he’s there. Maester Slughorn says that while he believes Sam about the menace in the north, The Wall has been there a long time—even during the last Long Night apparently—so the research is probably unnecessary. It’ll be fine.

This is great justification and not at all just a cheap way to make the last scene of the season feel punchier…

Sam, frustrated by this first and minor setback, decides to take matters into his own hands. He puts on his invisibility cloak and sneaks into the Restricted Section to look for books on Nicholas Flamel. We mean…he steals a key from a sleepy maester and lets himself in. Once there, he haphazardly pulls random books from the shelf nearest to him and puts them in his bag.

Pause. Okay, supposing the Restricted Section is truly where all the Long Night books are since Sam apparently hasn’t been able to find them anywhere else (does this mean that The World of Ice and Fire is restricted?), our question is: why would these be restricted? As far as skeptical maesters are concerned, these are just fairy tales anyway. What is the harm in having their students read about this? In fact, what function does Sam having to steal the books even have on the plot? He gets to be more active this way? But not really, since he was already looking for books. Maybe it’s some kind of excuse to portray the maesters as out of touch, since this plotline is full of lots of cheap (and kinda earned) shots at academia. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because D&D yet again did not have enough material for a full season of episodes (or 70% season), and were padding their 52 minute run-times with everything they had. But of course we couldn’t be shown the Stark siblings plotting together because reasons.

Anywho, after stealing the books immediately within reach, Sam goes to his mysteriously nice loveshack where Gilly and Baby Sam live. Baby Sam cannot be over 18 months. We refuse to believe it, and have a pretty good metric against which to measure right now. He’s adorable, sure, but still shrinking. Need we remind you, he was born at the beginning of Season 3!

We have no clue how their apartment exists. Our best honeypot is that they live over a pub in which Gilly works, and she’s been having amazing, wacky off-screen adventures that would rival Arya’s meat pies, or the Unsullied this year. Though it’d make the demeaning way Sam talks to her that much more grating if she were the one working to pay for his soup-slopping courses. Frankly, that makes the most sense, right? We find it hard to believe that a college that explicitly forbids students to date put them up with this.

Gilly is super excited about all these stolen books, because goddamn is she bored in this relationship. As they engage in a joint-reading session, Sam stumbles across a fact so amazing, so outrageous, and so surprising, that we have to ask you to sit down if you’re not already. You see, there is dragon glass on Dragonstone. Dragon. Glass.

The Watch needs some, so finding this information out makes Sam go, “Oh yeah, Stannis already told me lol.”

You didn’t WHAT, Sam?

By the rate of baby-growth, maybe that was just two months ago, but it was also in Season 5, so… The long and short is that he needs to send Jon this ~brand new information~ that is militarily crucial, and thus forgotten until right now. It’s not like they’ve known about obsidian killing White Walkers since Season 3.

The next day, Sam goes back to class, and someone sticks their hand out of a room and jump scares him, asking about the whereabouts of Deadpan. Rude!

wikiHow Plague Cures

We guess Sam was super intrigued by that jump-scare, because next thing we know, he and Maester Slughorn are standing in Jorah’s room with him. Slughorn pokes the plague patient with a metal pointer. “The infection has spread too far.” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Also Jorah is going to go crazy like the people he and Tyrion met in Valyria. Remember when?!

Sam looks mildly grossed out by the whole thing. He also asks rather pertinent questions about if there’s any way to cure or help Jorah out. Slughorn seems to get rather annoyed and low-key insults Sam’s intelligence.

Sam: I met Stannis Baratheon’s daughter at Castle Black. She had the greyscale as a baby and was cured.

Slughorn: No.

Sam: …Isn’t there some way—

Slughorn: Does this look like a baby to you?.

Stupid students and their follow-up questions!

There’s no hope for Jorah: Slughorn tells him it’s either Valyria or suicide. And apparently this is because he’s highborn; the lowborns would just get sent to Valyria. Where all ship captains want to go.

Sam seems to be moved by Jorah’s plight and asks about sending word to his family. That’s when he finds out that this guy is a MORMONT! Sam knew a Mormont!

Owing to this deep connection, Sam can’t seem to move on, and is super distracted when Slughorn babbles at him about how he’s going to go write the best research paper on the War of V Kings, with some highly precise and dry title. This is honestly the best representation of grad school that we’ve seen to date.

“Didn’t you say these were your open office hours?”

Sam brings up how he just happened to come across a cure for greyscale in a book earlier that day. It’s even worked on a couple of people! Shouldn’t they try to save their patient? Also why was this not considered for highborns instead of Valyria? You’d think for enough money, someone would have tried. Slughorn is dismissive, though, and points out that the guy who wrote that book died of greyscale himself. So, don’t do it.

Sam ignores that. We next see him coming into Jorah’s cell, pushing a little Hogwarts Express trolley full of medical instruments. He tells Jorah that he knew his daddy, and therefore he can’t let him die. We guess Jeor’s Tough But Fair love was effective for Sam.

It’s here that we find out about the super secret unknowable cure: exfoliation. No, literally. Jorah is covered in greyscale. The cure is to peel it off, and then put on some Polysporin. There’s also these really amazing pictures in the book that show the step-by-step process.

Sam takes a giant swig of rum, as any surgeon should, and then gets to work. It’s gross.

The next day (we think, cause Jorah wasn’t shoved off to Valyria), Slughorn is examining Jorah again, and wouldn’t you know it? He’s entirely cured. Like…the disease is gone. His skin is barely red, and he says he’s only in “a bit” of pain. We’ve had scabs that fell off with longer recovery times! Jorah decides to cover for Sam and tells Slughorn that he just magically started feeling better. Overnight. Good one! Slughorn doesn’t buy it at all, but leaves the room with a shrug. “Bye Jorah, have a good life.” Sam shakes Jorah’s hand and he looks moved to finally be touched on the hand again.

Later, in Slughorn’s office, Sam gets berated for curing an incurable disease. Slughorn definitely has a point that it was dangerous, but this whole thing is just so, so silly. Sam is then given busy-work as a punishment for his medical prowess. He has to copy a bunch of secret diaries that contain gigantic and unknown political bombshells.

F-ck This Sh-t I’m Out

You may not remember, but Bran decided on one random day to peep on the army of the dead and see how it was doing. Bigger! And Nearer! Then he wrote to Jon, the Citadel, and probably other people too. You also may not remember, but Sam’s dad and brother were brutally executed by dragon. That’s a thing.

Sam doesn’t know yet though, because he’s completely unphased as he delivers his freshly copied secret diaries to all the maesters sitting in their faculty lounge. They all agree that the maester at Winterhell is probably a dumb dumb, like those other Northerners. Then when they try to joke about other conspiracy theories, Sam interrupts them and vouches for Bran as once having been north of The Wall. He then also reiterates that he—meaning Sam—has personally witness the army of the dead, and it’s a real thing, so maybe these old fart bags with a lot of power and influence could do something about it. Slughorn dismisses it with his own conspiracy theory that it’s Deadpan-based propaganda to leave the south undefended. SAM SAW THE DEAD PEOPLE!

To throw him a bone, however, Slughorn agrees to write back to the dumb-dumb maester for “clarification”. What would that have looked like? “Hey, Maester friend: when you say ‘army of the dead’, how dead do you mean?”

When Sam leaves the room, they gossip about his recently burned family members. Slughorn reveals that he hasn’t had the heart to tell him yet. We agree: it’s much more important for us, the audience, to see the reaction of a bunch of old guys to this news than it is to see Sam’s.

Sam is getting increasingly disgruntled, though, and decides to take out his frustration back in his love shack. Gilly is having the time of her life with Secret Diary, written by [s]Tom Riddle[/s] High Septon Maynard, who was so powerful that he had a name. He also liked to count things, like windows on a building, or poops taken each day. No, we’re not kidding: we were told this.

Gilly tries to share with Sam some of these fun facts, which also includes the documentation of the time when Septon Maynard annulled the marriage of the Crown Prince, disinheriting his two children, before remarrying him in a secret Pornish love ceremony to some lady from the North. Sam, apparently uninterested in this world-changing political implication, instead retorts that he doesn’t care about the many shits that Maynard counted. Gilly seems sad he wasn’t listening.

We don’t know why, but this is Sam’s breaking point with the entire university system. He storms out of his love nest, steals even more Restricted Section books, and then decides he is done with the Fightin’ White Crows of Oldtown State. He leaves in a wagon with Gilly and baby Sam. Gilly points out how Sam had been excited to go to school and become a maester, like he always wanted. He even ditched her in a hallway because he was so into the campus tour. But no. Sam is “tired of reading about the achievements of better men,” in a direct quote of his now-late abusive father.


The best spin we can put on this is that Sam learned about his father’s death off-screen at some point, and this is his not very healthy way of processing his grief. Abusive dads can still be mourned in a complicated way, or spur action. See: Guardians of the Galaxy 2. However, there’s no reason for us to think Sam was told about his dad, since we learned Slughorn purposely kept it from him. And also, this isn’t really the kind of thing that can live on implication if it was supposed to be the motivator behind Sam leaving, especially when we were given scene after scene of him becoming disillusioned with the maesters.

Don’t get us wrong: we understand quitting Oldtown State. It is a terrible, terrible academic program where cleaning chamber pots is a course, books are locked away, and questions are met with disdain. It’s clearly not what Sam had in mind, not to mention, he tried to get them to move on the whole army of the dead thing, and they could not have been more dismissive. He legitimately will be doing more good out of that atmosphere, especially with all of his newly acquired stolen books.

But why the hell was he quoting Randyll? Last year, thin and confused as his arc was, we at least had him stealing Heartsbane in defiance of his father, and rejecting his father’s views. Sam clearly valued knowledge over brute force, no matter how emasculating Randyll told him it was, and when he ends the season grinning in a library, it’s kinda nice. Kinda dumb, since Gilly was literally left behind awkwardly, but nice. He took a stand against Randyll the only way he could (since he was viscerally triggered in Randyll’s presence), and we’re glad that he got out of there.

Last year is also when Randyll tried to shame Sam about how as a maester, he’d only read about the achievements of better men. It’s not just that it’s an anti-intellectual implication, which is rude, but also that this is an abuser’s words to his son not filling a toxically masculine mold. We thought Sam rejected it, just like everyone else at Horn Faire seemed to. But no! This year, we learn Randyll was right! Learning is stupid, and maesters really are just “lesser men” who joke with each other rather than facing the truth.

Clearly, we don’t find Randyll’s words compelling, and we don’t think every viewer will. But now, canonically, Sam does. He quotes that in a way of saying that he will finally go and be as ~active~ as Randyll wanted him to be. Which means his two year character arc was learning to listen to his abuser. Hooray.

Oh yeah, and Sam appears in a scene with Bran at the end of the season. He takes credit for reading about the secret marriage. What a great boyfriend.

You know what? We don’t really like Sam on the show. He’s been demeaning to Gilly from the start, he isn’t attentive to her needs, he’s super sex obsessed in a way that borders on concerning, and his only addition to this story this year was to remember something we were told two years ago, or to prompt Bran to look at a memory he should have already wanted to examine. A few years ago we nicknamed Sam “Showboating Sam”, because unlike his book counterpart, he likes to brag about his killing of White Walkers and Thenns. He may be bragging less these days, but he doesn’t seem to have grown much at all. And the fact that his culminating line of the season was basically to the point of, “yeah, learning about things is dumb and useless” doesn’t really make our hearts beat any faster.

We’re still bitter we didn’t get a plotline about Gilly making it work in the bar below her apartment.

Why did Sam even leave The Wall in Season 5? Seriously? There’s plenty of books there, and he probably could have found a circled map of dragon glass in one of them, had D&D really wanted. Last year, he had one moment of standing up to his abuser (behind Randyll’s back, albeit, but it was still significant), only for that to get completely dialed back this year. So the whole point of Sam’s journey away from The Wall was to get a sword, randomly heal Jorah, and then learn that Randyll sometimes had a point? We’re usually the last people to talk about plot function, but Sam just hasn’t had any, really, or at least not any function that wasn’t so completely contrived it couldn’t have been given to anyone else.

It almost feels like—and forgive us for suggesting this—D&D don’t plan more than one season at a time. In the books, Sam is sent off to be a maester, so they did that, but then they never had anything to say about it, or any reason to explore it. Because learning is dumb.

We suppose we should just count our blessings that they didn’t stick a cross-dressing Sand Fake at the Citadel for Sam to brag to.

Jorah the Andal Finds a Cure  

Nicknames of note:

Since we already talked through Jorah’s miraculous recovery, we figured we’d now take you through the rest of his Season 7 journey. The only thing worthy of note in the Sam episodes previously discussed is that Jeor Mormont is mentioned a lot. Like aaaa loooootttt. At every conceivable opportunity, we hear about Old Bear.

It’s not that we think it’s a bad thing to bring up previous ties, but Jorah (as far as we can tell) hasn’t been bothered to even think about his father since Tyrion told him he died in Season 5. Even that was a 4 second reaction at most. It was always just about gettin’ back to Khaleesi for him.

*beleaguered sigh*

And that’s exactly what he does this season, too! After being fully healed and good as new, Jorah makes his way to Dragonstone, where he is greeted by Dothraki who don’t recognize him. We suppose that’s possible since maybe they weren’t focused on his face when Deadpan had burned down their temple, but this is also the dude who speaks their language and always seemed to make an effort to build a rapport with those around him, so it’s a bit odd.

Either way, he’s trotted on down to where Deadpan and Jonny are engaged in some sexy talk about whether Jonny had been dead and resurrected, and boy is she happy to see him. Like, actually very happy. Her face moves and everything! Also, we’ve never thought much of Emilia Clarke’s acting, but she came so alive here for a change that we read this moment as interest, or even mild flirting.


Jonny is initially happy to see him too, but when Jorah and Deadpan kind of ignore his “I worked with your dad” comment to keep eye f-cking, Jonny gets sad and puts on a poo face. We think this is a love triangle, because who doesn’t need more of those in media.

Later on in the episode, Team Deadpan comes up with the brilliant wight-hunt plan and Jorah immediately volunteers to run into danger for his Khaleesi once more. But then Jonny also volunteers as tribute in a way that frames both their actions as competing for Deadpan’s romantic attention. How nice. It’s like when cavemen brought back mammoth carcasses.

Next, it’s time to leave for this stupid mission. Hey, remember when Jorah and Tyrion had a buddy duo dynamic for a season? And remember how that involved them being sold into slavery by a cock merchant played by Mr. Eko? Well, at the time, Jorah and Tyrion had been given a “wage” of one coin, which was meant to last them their lives. Because lol slavery! (Thank god Missandei smacked Tyrion down later for this.)

Tyrion was so affected by this experience that he’s been carrying that coin in his pocket ever since. We’re sure that’s gonna be great luck for Jorah on this trip. Tyrion gives it to him, and Jorah’s laughs, remembering the good times.

Also coming to say ‘goodbye’ is ‘Khaleesi’. They reminisce about all the other times they said goodbye, but conveniently leave out the fact that it was normally her kicking him out of her service because he was a creepy stalker or helped to almost get her killed. Hugs!

Jorah travels on up to Eastwatch to meet all of Team Gumbo. Then when everyone is playing a “who’s who,” Thoros and Jorah recognize each other from that one battle they were in that one time, and then Tormund recognizes Jorah’s last name and once again mentions his daddy.

It’s finally time to capture a wight! If you want to read about the tortured walk and talks, then we will direct you to our Dragonstalled retrospective for the umpteenth time this article. As far as Jorah is concerned, he really only has a conversation with Jon. It’s about…wait for it…his father!

Basically, Jorah tells Jonny he was a shitty son. Jonny feels bad (?) and offers him Longclaw, the sword that Jeor gave him. It’s the ancestral Mormont sword, so naturally he never offered to Lyanna (his best advocate), and instead figured the disgraced slaver was the good choice. Jorah, either a changed man or an uninterested one, rejects the sword because he “forfeited” his right to it. It has a wolf on it now anyway. Then, he tells Jonny to pass it on to his children. You know, the implication being children with Deadpan. The ones he’s now allowed to make, because Jorah gave him permission. Hooray!

Then he helps fight some zombies. The end.

So…what can we possibly say about this wonderful arc?

Let’s ignore some of the issues with his disease and such. Zooming out, Jorah’s story this year is that he really wanted to get back to his Khaleesi, so he did, and when he did he found that she was into someone else. However this time, unlike the other 500 times that happened, he was cool with it, because he’s a changed man, or his father liked Jon, or something.

To be fair, he did have that growth moment last year when he decided not to stay around Deadpan because he had the plague. That was less selfish than his character would have been prior to that.  We suppose the easiest reading is that given he thought he was a dead man, being cured again gave him a new lease on life and a new perspective, wherein he could prioritize Deadpan’s happiness. This makes enough sense where we don’t really think we have to search for any other meaning.

There is, however, that thread about Jeor that resurfaced. We honestly don’t think that tied to him being chill about Deadpan and Jonny, even if we joke it about. We are confused why this was suddenly brought up again, though. Jeor seemed to have already made his peace that his son is an asshole, at least on the show (where his dying words were just a grunt, or something), and Jorah for his part seems to have made his peace with the fact that Jeor thinks he’s an asshole. He definitely looked sad when Tyrion told him Jeor had died, but it wasn’t in any way where it appeared to weigh on him, or make him reconsider his actions, or really change at all. And how does it relate to the plague, exactly?

It’s not subtle to us that this was a season where D&D rewatched Season 1 immediately before writing, and then just shoved in a bunch of callbacks and characters talking about previous relations to one another. Don’t get us wrong: it’s good to remember characters’ shared histories and connections. It’s just that the way to explore them is not to have people just walk up and talk about “hey remember this?” For all the Jeor mentions, it’s really hard for us to view it any differently than Tyrion pulling out that slave coin, or Deadpan reminiscing about that time Varys tried to kill her. We’re glad Jorah didn’t snap up Longclaw, but it just didn’t really matter at all, did it?

Also something that didn’t matter at all: Deadpan’s opinion about this love triangle, apparently. The Wight Hunt episode is one of the worst examples of action men doing actiony things while the women either fight with each other on the sidelines, or just aren’t considered first in any way. It mildly helped that Deadpan rescued everyone on Drogon, but even that was framed as her bailing out the men she loved, so…

The Jon/Jorah conversation is a great microcosm of this. Maybe Deadpan should have been the one to say who she wanted babies with! As far as we can tell, she was down to bang either one of them. Not to mention book!Jorah was the one to suggest she should have two husbands at one point.

But no, Jorah’s function is to always be there for his khaleesi, even if he has to randomly stumble across a guy with a wikiHow that will fix his situation. Deep.

The Lord’s Mysterious Plan

Nicknames of note:

Fire Reading and Pointy Mountains

Let’s not bury the lede: this is the section where we talk about the Brotherhood with Vague Continuity (who we’ll just abbreviate as BWB for simplicity) and their new bestie Sandor Clegane. They exist this season, just like last season! They’re still moving in the same geographic direction! And they feel as random this season as they did last season, though thank god there wasn’t another Shire for us to feel bad about.

For those who don’t remember, last season, they met up and decided to go “north.” And by the way, this was after not seeing the BWB since Season 3 (and no Sandor in Season 5). Sandor had been convinced to come along, because of the promise of fighting, and that he’d help in some cosmic way.

When we catch up with them, they’re still traveling in the riverlands, and it’s all snowy now. They come across an empty farmstead and plan to stay there, but Sandor recognizes it from that one time in Season 4 where he robbed a guy who wanted to employ him to drive off bandits. At the time, Sandor told Arya that the guy was weak and he and his daughter would be dead by winter.

Lo and behold, inside the farmstead, they are super dead and mummy-looking. Beric decides to play “guilt trip CSI” and tells Sandor that they clearly were starving to death and the dad had to kill the daughter, and if only they’d had some silver to buy food. Sandor and Beric then have a conversation about how mysterious the Lord of Light is for raising Beric from the dead, even though he’s just some dude.

Then, Thoros tells Sandor to look into the fire. He does, and he sees, in stunning detail, the entire army of the dead marching towards the Wall, currently at a mountain shaped like an arrowhead (unlike all the others!). Beric comments on how significant it is that Sandor, traumatized by fire, is a fire reader. Thanks D&D! We never would have gotten that on our own.

Later, Sandor buries the father and daughter’s bodies, and tries to say something nice. It somewhat works.

We guess getting North is even easier than we thought, since the next time we see this merry crew, they’re imprisoned by Tormund at Eastwatch. Why did Tormund lock them up? We still don’t know, but we’re contractually obligated to always point it out.

When Jonny’s crew arrives, the BWB and Sandor participate in the fun game of “I know you!”. Jon knows Sandor, Gendry knows the BWB, Jorah knows Thoros and Beric, and Beric’s just thrilled they can all be there together.

So now it’s time for the BWB’s walk-and-talks! The most significant is Gendry, who yells at the BWB for selling him, getting him raped, and almost getting him killed. The BWB smirk, while Sandor tells Gendry to quit complaining because his rapist was hot. Gendry looks annoyed but literally no one is on his side, so that’s the final word on the matter.

Sandor also walks and talks with Tormund, because they both knew Brienne. They trade gay jokes and discuss synonyms for “cock.” One of them is “dick.” Jorah walks and talks with Thoros. He wants to know how drunk he had been during the attack on Pyke. The answer is blackout. Finally, Beric walks and talks with Jonny, because they were both dead once. They don’t know what it means, but Beric seems satisfied to think the Lord of Light has a purpose for him.

At last, they reach Mount Arrowhead, which Sandor points out. Then they walk more and fight a wight polar bear. Thoros gets badly wounded. Then they have to run to the Plot Convenience Pond and spend, at least in terms of emotional experiences, one long night there. Thoros dies (reasonably, actually), and Sandor tries to steal his alcohol when they realize this the next morning. The group discusses how they have to burn the body, and Beric lights up his sword by cutting his hand. At this point, we’re super confused by his sword, because other times it’s been a lightsaber, like five minutes before with the wight bear.

Later, the army of the dead attacks, and they participate in the fight and escape on Drogon. Beric says he wants to stay with Tormund at Eastwatch rather than sail back to Dragonstone with everyone else. Sandor opts for the latter for no articulated reason.

Some amount of time later, Sandor joins the wight hunt team for the wight moot dragonpit meeting. He’s incredibly rude to everyone, and also tasked with carrying around the wight in a backpack. The one exception is during another walk and talk with Brienne, where they talk about how they both know Arya. She is physically safe, which pleases them, even if we’re personally quite concerned about her emotional well-being.

At the wight moot, Sandor recognizes his zombie brother, and runs up to yell at him and tell him that he will eventually be the one to kill him, as is his destiny.

After the wight moot, the Wall falls, and Beric falls with it. He might or might not be alive; it’s very unclear.


We are a bit confused how to approach this, but we think the one thing we can focus in on is Sandor’s arc. This season, he came face to face with a bad deed from his past, learned to read flames, and got to yell at his brother. If these things seem wildly disconnected, we don’t disagree one bit.

In terms of his character…arc…he’s been completely stagnant since one of his jokes landed a few seasons ago and turned him into a meme. We talked last year how, in what should have been an arc about him learning the futility of violence, he was actually validated for his pessimistic, aggressive worldview. This year, he’s quite clearly still as violent and revenge-driven, since he ends the season saying he’s going to kill his brother. That, dear readers, is zero character growth for this dude. And just hilariously far from what happens in the books.

There’s a chance that Sandor’s not as nihilistic, we suppose. It’s hard to tell, but he seems shaken by what he viewed in the fire and he gladly goes on the wight hunt mission. That could also have related to him now wanting to be a force for good in the world, since he was clearly bothered by the fate of the daughter and father he stole from. That would mean he’s reforming and growing from his past, right?

The issue, however, is that what we’re given on the screen with Sandor is so random (“here, look in these flames!”) and so paper thin, it’s a bit hard to track what’s actually driving him or how he’s feeling about anything. Especially since the priority for the writers with this character seems to be making him…witty? To us, it comes across as distressingly unpleasant. And it is possible to speak a sentence without using the c-word.

Sure, sometimes his unpleasantness makes sense. Thoros asked Sandor if he recognized the farmstead, or if he was afraid, and Sandor began calling him a c-nt, a f-cker, a c-cksucker and even made fun of his hair. It’s a defense mechanism, and that was pretty clear. Yet at the same time, he treats the Lannister soldier who was just being mildly helpful the exact same way. We realize that sometimes being a Lannister soldier is just no fun at all, but it’s more confusing to us why this is Sandor’s MO. Why are we supposed to be on this jerk’s side? He’s not funny, he’s dismissive of trauma, he’s horribly homophobic, and he doesn’t really bring anything unique to the table, unless you count him being the ‘main fire reader’ with Thoros dead and Mel shoved off.

Speaking of, what in seven hells are we supposed to do with that? Yeah, it’s vaguely poetic that a guy with trauma relating to fire could find something meaningful in it, not that he has any sympathy for anyone else who’s traumatized. But what led to this moment? What was actually set up here, other than, “Oh hey let’s use the guy with the burn for this”?

Honestly, while there is the fire reading and the brother threatening, the only real takeaway we have is that D&D think this a very funny character who is worthy of being shoved into many scenes. There’s certainly no coherent arc here, and the fire reading is not character growth—it’s character punctuated equilibrium. Nothing was earned for that moment, nothing led up to it, and yet it happened.

Then there’s the Brotherhood, now Without Purpose. When we called them the “Brotherhood with Vague Continuity,” it was because they were heading north for 2 seasons. That’s the continuity. Here though, we find out that they don’t really know why they’re going north; they just have a feeling it’s where stuff is going down. So basically, they’re Harry Potter on Felix Felicis.

Beric is this character they’ve built up since Season 3, who the Lord of Lights needs so much for his plan that he’s been risen from the dead 6 times. Beric always monologues about how the Lord isn’t done with him yet because he has some great purpose. Even this year, Sandor points out that he’s just a mundane dude, and Beric doubles down on the fact that yes, he is, but the Lord needs him.

So apparently, this great purpose was to accompany Jon Snow and his buddies to capture a wight to convince a political adversary to not solidify her position? Being so generous, Beric did have the moment of pointing to Shogun and telling Jon that if they could kill him, everyone dies. Was that his magical destiny? To have told Jon that piece of information that frankly could have been intuited given how all the wights collapsed after Skyr was killed? This is the Lord’s mysterious purpose?

Now, we know D&D are very good atheists who read The God Delusion, but we honestly don’t think Beric was supposed to be blowing smoke out of his ass this whole time. He was risen from the dead multiple times, and Sandor’s fire reading skills are not imagined. There is truly a Mount Arrowhead. So how on earth is this what we waited four years to see Beric do? Unless, of course, he’s not really dead at Eastwatch and more is to come. But wow, what a waste this year was for the BWB. Poor Thoros even died! Though in fairness, he was a c-nt with a topknot.

It might shock you, but we have nothing else to say about these guys. We don’t get it. We don’t get what anyone was going for. We’re not going to waste our time explaining to you what happened in the books, but suffice it to say it’s a lot more interesting than this. Also remember when we were told Lady Stoneheart was too silly for this show? Glad we got something much more dignified.

To be continued next week!

Since we’re a good 6,000 words in with no signs of slowing, we’ll pause here so that you can take the time needed to process the depth of D&D’s writing. If you’re prepared, you can go on to Part 2 where we cover our absolute favorite book theater, the Greyjoys (friend and foe), and Olenna’s surprisingly decent send-off. Trust us, we’re all astonishment too.

In the meanwhile, you can check out the rest of our writings on Season 7 in our retrospective tag. We’ll talk to you soon!

Images courtesy of HBO

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FM+ Presents: GoT is Bad, the 5 Paragraph Essay





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