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The Game of Thrones Season 5 Book Snob Glossary

You can find the most updated version of the glossary HERE.

We here on The Fandomentals are rather staunch Game of Thrones (GoT)…er…detractors. Though we tend not to take similar issue with the A Song of Ice and Fire (aSoIaF) books on which the show is supposedly based. In fact, we kind of like George R.R. Martin’s work, which is why we have been known, at times, to use “book snob” as a compliment.

However, here in our cultural milieu, it is a rather daunting position to maintain. But never fear, we are on a mission to civilize! And to set the right tone when it comes to fandom dialogue—that is, one where aSoIaF would never be confused with its sorry excuse for an adaptation, no matter how much showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss (D&D) insist that it’s totally the same. Except bolder. And braver. And more empowered. For that reason, we’ve found it quite useful to coin certain terms and character names and stop the conflation. Also because snark is mightier than the sword.

So without further ado, Julia and Kylie give you the Book Snob Glossary and all the ironic trademarks money can buy.

 

General Terms

 

D&D Logic: Boy, things certainly took a confusing direction in season 5. But don’t worry, there’s a logic behind it…D&D Logic! Darth Sansa’s best option for revenge is to marry brutal torturers who killed her entire family! Batfinger loves sending high-risk ravens through wormholes to arrange treasonous marriages! Carol gives weaponry to zealots very concerned about her children’s bastardy! Deadpan changes her ruling method more than she changes her wardrobe! You see, it all makes perfect sense to people who clearly don’t think through issues beyond the concept of “but wouldn’t it be cool if…” So like throwing a pie in the face of a yeti, just sit back and let D&D Logic fill you.

They Earned it Off-Screen: A special consequence of D&D Logic is that there’s no need to show a character’s development or growth at all. Just show the result and it will be fine! The audience isn’t dumb, they know the characters earned it off-screen. Remember when Reek became Theon off-screen, and Meli-sans-bra lost her faith off-screen, and the Boltons acquired a massive army off-screen, and Daenerys got married off-screen, and Jorah/Tyrion/Missandei/Daario escaped the Sons of the Harpies off-screen, and Brienne infiltrated and somehow survived a battle off-screen, and Arya learned how to apply faces off-screen, and how all this was needed to establish just one fucking episode? It’s all good. Don’t worry.

Honeypotting/The Honeypot Phenomenon: D&D Logic doesn’t adhere to normal logic, and it is not uncommon for the show to seem entirely devoid of sense, or at least any sort of complexity. Because of this, many fans provide rationalizations, or well thought out theories, in an attempt to understand the show or paint it in a kinder light. Unfortunately, these explanations often display more thought that what’s actually on the screen. The most famous example of this was the “Lannister Honeypot Theory,” where everyone figured that Talisa was such a stupid invention on the part of D&D, there had to be more to her. Once she began writing letters in Volatine to her mommy, the theory was that she was really a Lannister spy sent to seduce Robb into breaking his vows, enabling the Red Wedding to occur.

But no. Like Talisa, the Lannister Honeypot Theory was stabbed repeatedly in 3×09. She was exactly what she appeared: a noble woman from Volantis who was such an awesome feminist that she would walk around battlefields without a chaperone and sass-talk a king. It may be tempting to honeypot things like “well, maybe two weeks passed in these back-to-back scenes were a raven went from King’s Landing to the Eyrie.” No. It’s always the most idiotic and straight-forward answer possible. Trust us.

The Checklist Effect: Who cares about context, themes, or characterizations? The stuff that happens in a story can be viewed as a discrete set of plot-points to tick off. And those who do successfully tick them off are therefore great adaptors! So what that it doesn’t make sense for the Black Brothers to stab Jon given that he did nothing wrong, broke no vows, and was an eye-witness to the army of the dead? Who cares that any meaning from the Walk of Shame was removed given Carol Lannister’s perpetual victimhood? What difference does it make that Deadpan’s marriage to Hizdahr was never seeded and had no impact on the plot? Tick, tick, tick.

Womb Syndrome: Woman can and should be badass and/or sexual manipulators, but they do have one fatal weakness: motherhood. Once a woman has given birth, her children exist as a super convenient switch that can be flicked whenever a character 180° is required. Did a mother just spend the past thirty minutes being a total badass and fighting off hoards of undead? Well, sadly the sight of zombie children made her Womb Syndrome kick in, rendering her incapable of defending herself (ironically to the detriment of her real children). Kindly note, that simply having a child is not enough to contract Womb Syndrome, one must also have a uterus. We all know real men don’t give a shit about their children.

Empowered™ Women: But don’t worry, that isn’t to say there aren’t women who are strong in the D&D way on GoT. You can, for example, eschew all femininity and become a badass warrior. Bonus points for mocking the “feminine” traits of others. The other option is to be a super sexy manipulator. Bonus points if you use your wiles to manipulate a child. There are no other options, unless you are a very rare-breed of time-traveling feminist field nurse.

Real Men™: In Weisseroff, men are Strong™. They kill men. They have sex. They never show weakness, or fear. It’s almost as though all they do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck. Oh wait…

The Gin Joint Effect: Of all the gin joints in all of Weisseroff, random characters will always walk into each other’s. Brienne just happens across both Stark girls through no proactive effort on her part? What a coincidence! The Sand Fakes and the Bro-nns decide to go steal Madison at the exact same time (in broad daylight with Prince Bashir watching)? Who’d have thunk! And let’s not even start on how Deadpan graced a random, dinky pre-fighting pit on the one day Jorah and Saint Tyrion happened to have shown up. Small, small world. Well…literally.

Hot Potato: D&D’s favorite game! Let’s set up plotlines and forget about them! Who’s Gendry? What happened to the Brotherhood Without Banners? Does anyone in-verse even remember the Red Wedding? Hey, remember when Satannis won over the Iron Bank and got a more or less inexhaustible source of money? No? Well, neither do they!

Ham Sandwich: D&D’s preferred lunch. Their favorite food is clearly ham, given the hamfisted way they provide us clues for what’s coming up. Is someone going to get infected with GREYSCALE? They’ll be sure to mention it 4 times in 3 episodes leading up to it. Need to seed something about Rhaegar? Batfinger will drop the hints. See also: Olly Chekhov.

Shocking™ Moments: However, sometimes D&D don’t want the sneaky audience to see their big moments coming. Therefore, they keep everyone guessing by having characters pull random 180°’s that make us gasp! We did not see that coming! Because we could not see that coming. Because you literally presented the opposite situation to us and then just randomly flipped it. Wow. Give them all the Emmys.

The Key Jingling Effect: Hey guys, wouldn’t it be awesome if we had a giant battle with a dozen White Walkers and those cool skeletons? And a giant! Wouldn’t it be great if we could have scenes filmed in one of the most beautiful rooms ever? Wouldn’t it be rad if we can see an eighteen-year-old’s tits while Bronn said funny things? A bonus to all this SUPER AWESOMENESS is that, like jingling keys in front of a baby, it will make the audience forget about all of the offensive bullshit you’ve pulled on them, and they will decide that you are the best writers ever.

The 600 Masks Effect/Shiny Shiny: News flash, Game of Thrones has a ginormous budget. Great things can be done with the amount of money they have at their disposal. Unfortunately, some of the budget allocation decisions made are… questionable. When confronted with the choice to either spend money on: 1. Making 600 unique masks based on actual people’s faces that no one would be able to see even if they had bothered to light the set at all, and 2. Hiring an actor to play ONE disgruntled Northern Lord… well, we guess they made the decision that made the most sense creatively.

Outside the Episodes: Because of all the characters who “earned it off-screen,” there are times that D&D must provide interviews that help explain what they just wrote. These “Outside the Episode” specials are particularly insightful. Did you know Arya is an instrument of revenge with an instrument of revenge? Or that Carol’s dead first baby gets to the essence of who she is as a character? Neither did we, but thank the Seven we have the Outside the Episodes to tell us.

Steve the Intern: Poor Steve. After finding out that his doctorate in Comparative Literature with an emphasis on Folklore and Mythology was worth little to employers, he was thrilled to get an unpaid internship in the Game of Thrones writers’ room, because such is the state of our world. But things quickly went south for poor Steve. He was told to produce a three page summary of A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons, which he managed by using size 8 font, but he’s quite sure D&D didn’t even read that. He spends most of this time trying to explain to Dave Hill what a literary theme is, but he just gets blank looks in return.

 

Locations

 

Weisseroff: A magical place with size and population fluctuations according to the needs of the episode. Patriarchy doesn’t exist in Weisseroff, except when it does and poor Carol has to deal with it. Sometimes Weisseroff is a loose collection of feudal holdings, and sometimes it’s a Nation State that people can be citizens of and feel loyalty to. There’s also a bullet train system or something that lets people get around at the speed of plot. Also everyone is terrible to each other and everything sucks.

Hard-On: Hard-On is a very poorly situated village with absolutely no defensive advantages whatsoever. It’s also where every. single. wildling. goes. All of them. But it’s okay, because WOW WHAT A BATTLE. We all got our jollies from the random shakycam encounter with the Pirates of the Caribbean zombies. Wooden characters get their entire development at Hard-On by learning to swing swords very accurately. AWESOME. See also, “The Key Jingling Effect.”

Winterhell: Winterhell is a castle that once resembled Winterfell, except here, the only thing we are ever shown is rape, torture, flaying, and the casual death of characterizations. In fact, this seems to be the only thing actually occurring here. There’s no like, internal conflict with the politically powerful of the North that undermines security for an upcoming invasion. Just old people who exist to be flayed, which is a shame because they’re the only ones who seem to remember the Boltons don’t make for great allies. If it makes you uncomfortable to watch: stop it! This is clearly an place of Empowerment™.

Carol’s Landing: Carol’s Landing is where Carol lives.

Porne: Porne is a small area shaped like the birthmark on a man’s ass that consists of the Water Gardens and some desert. It was conceived when someone involved in the production asked their racist grandmother from 1880 what “the orient” was like. There are three things the Pornish do: have sex, kill and/or mutilate people with little or no reason, and talk with a goofy accent. There may be one or two good eggs in there, and they’re a credit to their race, we’re sure.

The House of Dark and Vague: This is a poorly lit building in Braavos that we think is full of people, or maybe just human shaped figures lumps, who say very vague things and like to hit each other. And also trick people into killing themselves by lying to them. Don’t worry about leveling up in the House of Dark and Vague: anyone can apply a mask easy-peasy, and sometimes they’ll even apply multiple faces (including ones currently in use) to fuck with new recruits. What does it mean? It’s all so vague!

Simplified Bay: Simplified Bay is, like, okay. And so is everything there, apparently. The other Slaver Cities are no problem for Meereen. There’s no unforeseen illnesses. There’s one mercenary group in the walls. Navies magically appear. In fact, the hardest decision that needs to be made is whether the fighting ring qualifies for Cultural Property Protection. Even so Deadpan has a hell of a time ruling it. Should she try and establish due process or feed her dragons? Maybe she can just toss up her hands and marry! Or wait for some menz to come help her sort it all out.

 

People

Game of Thrones is rather known for its sprawling cast, so as a result, we have subdivided this section by character locations in Season 5. More or less. There was a lot of teleporting, but we did what we could.

 

Hard-on/The Wall

Jonny Cardboard: Jonny Cardboard is our unproblematic Action Hero, but he’s so one-note, that he’s accidentally not the protagonist in his own story. Whoopsies! It’s okay though, when Jonny Cardboard comes onto your screen, you can feel free to seal clap and watch his growth from being a guy who can swing a sword really well, to a guy who can swing a sword really really well. Too bad he’s too good for this cruel, cruel world.

Beardy: We don’t know who this Icelandic fellow with an impressive beard is, or why people are calling him “Tormund.” As far as we can tell, he has no personality traits whatsoever, with the exception of intense homophobia. It’s okay Beardy, we get it. You’re not gay. Calm it down.

 

Meli-sans-bra: This red priestess may wear all black on occasion, but she keeps one thing consistent about her wardrobe: a lack of undergarments! In fact, Meli-sans-bra can’t wait to expose her finely shaped breasts every chance she gets. Are there more subtle ways for her to achieve her goals? Does she even have an goal past shagging Jon at this point? Who cares! But don’t you dare call it sexposition, because she’ll be sure to use misappropriated book dialogue right after her show-and-tell sessions. There’s more to her than bewbs though. Oh yes. She also burns little girls alive based on inconclusive animal model experiments. To stop moderate flurries. So an army can walk twenty feet.

Satannis: This man is evil. It’s not that he’s inflexible, or has a sense of duty that borders on hubris, it’s just he’s an ambitious asshole that’s willing to fuck over his dynasty when confronted by a minor and rather solvable problem because he just wants to be king that much. He doesn’t inspire much loyalty though; his sellswords apparently keep abandoning him. Two times in one season? That must be a new record! He totally deserved to die in the most farcical manner possible.

Book Snob Shireen: Satannis’s daughter was the best of us all. She had clearly read her copy of The World of Ice and Fire, and was even able to talk about moral ambiguity, thematic significance, and the poetry of a narrative with a degree of intelligence that would put some bloggers to shame. So D&D set her on fire.

Showboating Sam & Assertive Gilly: Who doesn’t love shipping?! This one features ass-backwards characterizations. A sheltered Wildling gets what she wants *snaps fingers*, uh huh. Watch as Gilly brow-beats Sam. Watch as she conveniently becomes helpless when the plot demands it! Watch as Sam brags about killing a White Walker and searches for sex-loopholes in his vows that his brothers totally accept. Watch him confidently state his desire to become a maester because what is a backstory full of emotional and physical abuse? “Who are these people” you ask? We haven’t the foggiest, but they’re so cute!

The Amazing Shrinking Baby: Madison has apparently been in Dorne for years, Sam has been worrying about Jon’s foolish heroism for years, but Baby!Sam (who is not Aemon Steelsong ◕︵◕ ) hasn’t aged a day.

Rover: This rarely spotted CGI beast is Showboating Sam’s dog or something. We’re not sure because he’s never really around. Though he seems to hate the “Rape is Drama” trope as much as we do, so that’s something. Good job, Rover! Here’s a biscuit!

Olly Chekhov: D&D were subtle with what Olly’s role in the Season 5 finale was going to be. Still, it looks like this ball of tropes is hanging around, so we might as well get our use out of him. Whenever something happens at Castle Black, it is absolutely ESSENTIAL that we see a reaction shot from Olly Chekhov, because, uh… Look, don’t question it, alright! He’s an extremely well developed and important character who adds so much!

 

Winterhell

Darth Sansa: In Weisseroff, character development happens instantaneously and always coincides with a costume change. You can tell a female character has stopped being just a tool whose own development was tossed aside for the sake of making some other character look good, or some other character look bad (or some other character look good or bad depending on the scene), because, um, she have cleavage now. And she dyed her hair. She made the choice to dye her hair, guys! The fact that her plot is the opposite of agency-giving does not negate what an empowering figure Darth Sansa is.

Sansa Bolton: Sansa Bolton is known by many names: Sonsa Stork, Shamsa, Asnas Krats. This fits perfectly with the many personalities that she seems to cycle through. Oddly though, the one missing is that of Sansa Stark of Winterfell, to whom Sansa Bolton bares no resemblance, despite what she claims. Shamsa is sadly stripped of all her agency, but that won’t stop her from goading her abuser, or even likening herself to him by telling Theek she wishes she could have tortured him herself. We feel terrible for Sansa Bolton, because not even the tiniest candle imaginable that she chose to light in broad daylight during a battle can save her. Still, we were super glad when she was super empowered and told her husband’s girlfriend she was willing to die before being rescued by a more important character. We just hope that now she’s out of there she can pick a personality and stick with it, because this musical chairs is driving us bonkers.

Theek: Theek must never forget his name. Ramsay Sue was very clear on that. Unless our awesome antagonist wants to dick around with his fiancé on a whim, in which case he’ll be sure to talk all about Theon Greyjoy. Whatever, it’s not as if it’s important thematically, or anything. Theek will also bite his own sister, but if you scream in his face long enough he’ll totally remember who he is. Or at least enough where he’ll run off-screen and remember there.

Ramsay Sue: Gods is it ever good to be Ramsay Sue and have so much of the writers’ help. This protagonist of the Winterhell arc never fails, has superhuman abilities, and gets everything he wants. When he’s feeling insecure about his place as his father’s heir, he’ll get reassurance, even when he acts like an asshole. He gets a hot wife to rape AND a hot girlfriend who will stick with him even when he treated her like shit. He’s such a badass that he and 20 Good Men can destroy the supplies of an entire army (and only the supplies, because they must have night-vision goggles or something). Then he can kill a good chunk of that army without even wearing armour. Our hero is unstoppable.

Batfinger: Batfinger is a mysterious man. He has a voice like the Malboro Man and an accent that… morphs on a sliding scale between Lucky the Leprechaun and Captain Barbosa. He has the powers of teleportation and telepathy, as he knows about events three seconds after they happen and can magically appear wherever he’s needed. Unfortunately, what Batfinger gains in magic powers, he lacks in common sense. Batfinger will outright tell Carol that he knows about her children being the product of incest. He’ll also send a raven to one of the Lannister’s closest allies and the House that betrayed the Starks to tell them he has Sansa Stark with him. Apparently he thrives solely on chaos, which is good, because there’s absolutely no logic in any of his decisions.

Brienne the Brute: As we’ve explained, (see; Empowered™ Women) there are two kinds of women: the kind that needs a man to protect her (but probably has the power of cleavage) and the kind that is a STONE COLD KILLER! Look at her just cut people down without blinking! It is not actually physically possible for a woman to be capable in combat without being a killing machine. This fact is so obvious we don’t think we need to elaborate on it.

Pod the Rod: Pod is a relatively nice man, as far as well can tell, even if he hilariously forgets how to ride horses on occasion. However, there’s one thing he doesn’t forget to ride… No seriously, he’s such a sex god that sex workers will forgo their wages just to be in bed with him. This is not a dangerous narrative to present, especially in light of modern-day abuses sex workers face. They’re just waiting for a man like Pod! Har-har.

 

Carol’s Landing

Carol Lannister: Carol is a relatable, struggling super-mom. And a victim. She lost a baby and sympathizes with Cat Stark about it. But then she also lives her life believing a prophecy that her first baby should have negated. She almost had to poison her son to prevent him from being harmed more. And now…she’s a single mom (her brother/lover is either physically violent with her or enabling murderers) who is broke, lost a child, has a daughter being obviously threatened (and ultimately killed ಥ_ಥ), and a son being sexually harassed by a much older woman. Poor Carol! We’re not even touching her uncle’s misogyny! She just wants to do what’s right to protect her kids, and is willing to be slightly ruthless to do it, making her the most misunderstood woman in Weisseroff. Sadly, she trusted the wrong kindly old man and now she’s being slut shamed for having consensual sex like, two times.

Poor Dumb Tommen (TomTom): Poor Dumb Tommen went through quite the growth spurt recently, and is apparently old enough to be married and having sex with someone twice his age. Don’t worry, it’s not problematic; it’s funny because he enjoys it. Do you get it? Neither do we. We also don’t get why someone who is a “man grown” and the King has absolutely no power to do anything at all. Visit Grandpa Sparrow? We don’t think so. Stop the arrest of the Queen? Better just sit there and look surprised. Visit your mom in jail? He’s very emotionally overwhelmed, guys! It’s almost as if he was an—we don’t know we’re just spitballing here—8-year old who was shoved into an older body so that he could have sex in what is a very important plot-point with no unfortunate implications.

High Grandpa: This religious extremist is so charming. He’s just like your elderly great uncle who always flirts with the waitress at the Denny’s. But then you get to actually talking to him and it turns out that he’s a homophobic loon who had very fixed opinions on four-point versus five-point Calvinism. And also, he’s friends with a scary biker gang and not afraid to use them.

Septa Spoonella: Septa Spoonella is everything. If you strike her down, she will rise again at the first chance…and rise with spoon in hand. If we had to chose between facing her in battle, or the Night’s King, we would pick the Night’s King 100 times over. Seriously, think about what’s more likely to haunt your dreams: some Darth Maul wannabe or this:

Faith Taliban: Some of us are under the mistaken impression that religion and its role in public life is a complicated issue, but no, D&D have shown us the light, religion instantly turns dopey teenagers in funny hats into conveniently colour-coded strawmen who are into scarification and hamfisted social commentary. The fact that Evil!Lancel is hot now can only slightly distract from the fact that the entire justification for the existence of the Faith Taliban has been sacrificed on the altar of Good Queen Carol and is now thinner than a peasant from the riverlands. Wait… what are the riverlands again?

Marg Bolelyn: This bi-curious twenty-something from the sexual liberation capital of Wiesseroff, Sunspear Highgarden, really, really wants to be queen, for some reason. And not just any queen, THE queen, you guys. We think maybe the crown just goes really well with her outfit? When she isn’t scheming in everything EXCEPT the assassination of her almost-husband Joffrey, she’s taking her grandmother’s advice and molesting little boys or tormenting poor Carol by role playing that they’re both on Real Housewives of King’s Landing.

Knight of the Fabulous (Fabs): This man is gay. Isn’t that hilarious? Why aren’t you laughing? Are you a homophobe? Anyway, Loras is a very complex character…. he’s gay. And if you satisfy his need for D he will do anything for you, including spill all his family’s secrets because…. he’s gay.

Moustache Mace: There’s not much to be said about this hilarious buffoon. He might have some kind of a memory disorder, as he seems to forget that he is one of the most powerful Lords in Weisseroff who can travel with more than three men from someone else’s House on long voyages. But it’s okay, he’s learning to sing his way to competency!

Dowager Sasstress: Poor Carol may have to deal with the patriarchy, but if you’re sassy, like our beloved Dowager Sasstress, then you get to be the official negotiator for your House, and no one will think this is an issue, ever! There’s no sexism or ageism for you! It also doesn’t matter if you can’t actually elicit change because you’re shoved into the middle of an Idiot Plot, just stay sassy, and the audience will think you have point. Bonus points if you make a joke about gays or poo!

Still, two can play at this game:

Now that’s sass!

 

Porne

Larry Lannister: The second-oldest Lannister deserves our pity because he seems to have some kind of multiple personality disorder, or something. There are times that he is tormented by the conflict between his internal and external honour and wants to carve his own place in history on his own terms, but there are other times when he’s totes excited about building upon his father’s legacy and would totally give up being a Kingsguard and make absurdly high opening bids when negotiation for his brother’s life. Sometimes he’s very concerned about the consequences of speaking too openly about the twincest, but sometimes, man, he just wants to fuck his sister on the nearest flat surface. Consent is optional in these situations. Poor Larry is kind of dense, but don’t worry, he has Carol to explain things to him. And we guess she rubbed off on him, because he also seems to want to be a super-dad lately.

The Bro-nns: Larry goes nowhere without his best bud, Bronn, and together, they bro it up all over Weisseroff. Bronn knows his BFFs dirty deets immediately, and with no context, so these two can have all the heart-to-hearts before springing into action. It doesn’t matter whether they’re hilariously fightin’ round the world, or sneaking into the Water Gardens behind a donkey carrying bananas…the Bro-nns are always a rip-roaring time for the audience. Look out, riverlands!

Madison Lannister: Larry and Carol’s daughter has been in Porne for YEARS and made herself at home, presumably by making the most fabulous prom dresses that are not at all impractical for a desert climate. Yet she forgot to ask her betrothed if he has any exes until now. She spends all her time making out and walking in the gardens because, what else is she suppose to do? Develop relationships with surrogate older sisters? She also maybe shouldn’t be wearing such poofy dresses, because she is unaware that it is inelegant to hike them up to your knees:

Prince Bashir: Julian comes into the holodeck to relax, okay? Not to actually run a kingdom or weave convoluted plans for revenge that are sabotaged by his character flaws. He just wants to sit, drink holographic wine, and say snarky and/or vaguely threatening things that imply that he’s in control of the situation. Somehow. And if this plan to send his only heir into danger for no clear reason doesn’t work out, he can always restart the program and try again. At least he has a lovely view of the childless Water Gardens. Give him a break…he was only allowed to appreciate it for a week.

Showbryn: This second son whose father apparently ruled Porne likes to have sex with anything that’s slightly warm and be rude to people at parties. He lives in a brothel. Disturbingly, he morphs into a character named Prince Oberyn Nymeros Martell for two scenes several episodes apart before reverting back to his original form.

Faullaria: Showberyn’s beloved paramour, Faullaria Sand hates timid sex and loves the torturing of small children in the name of revenge. We don’t know why she insists on using Ellaria Sand’s name when she is the complete opposite of her character, but we’ve called her out as the faux-Ellaria that she is. Never worry.

The Sand Fakes: Who are these three women? And which one is which? Whatever, they’ve been meditating about it a lot and decided they want revenge. Revenge on Larry, who they learn is in Porne? Of course not! Revenge on Madison, that punk. The Fakes have quirky, individualized weapons and no need for sunblock. They clearly mean business too, because even people who provide helpful information risk being dragged off into the middle of the desert, buried, covered in scorpions, hidden beneath a bucket, and finally shish kabobed. FOR SHOWBERYN! They’ll also slut-shame each other and play the slapsies game, because women are never infantilized in Weisseroff.

Snake-Fu: A unique style of fighting practiced only in Porne that includes futile spinning, futile spinning of weapons, and futile mincing steps. All weapons must be dipped with boner-activated poisons. In the event you manage to land a blow using the ancient art of Snake-Fu, be sure to have an antidote on hand. You wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, right? Or actually impact the plot?

Trystane Jonas: This boy band wannabe may not bear much resemblance to a 13-year-old who is content to play board games to cheer up his sick 11-year-old betrothed, but what he lacks in innocence he makes up for in chest heir. Yes, the heir of Dorne (fuck you) is perfectly content to stride around, wear cutlasses and thumb-rings-of-doom on his dates, and get his bodyguards to beat people up for him. We bet he’s going to do great in King’s Landing! And thank the gods he’s absorbing every Dornish woman’s role!

 

The House of Dark and Vague

Your Sister of the Canals: Actually hearing the book dialogue of “oysters, clams, and cockles” may have warmed the cockles of our hearts, but there is no connection to her past left in this girl’s blood-pumping organ. She would much rather name herself after the House that killed her family than constantly and subtly assert her identity. Or maybe it’s just because choosing a certain name would have been sooo confoozing for us. Your Sister’s talents include looking sad when locals insult her, and staring conspicuously at intended targets.

The Kinky Man: There may not be anything particularly kindly about Not!Jaqen, but this dude is one for his kinky smiles of vagueness. What is Sexy Jesus thinking? We never know! But isn’t his smirk endearing? When we can see it, that is.

The Asshole: This antagonistic jerk runs around the House of Dark and Vague hitting people with sticks and laughing at them when they can’t answer questions that they have no capacity to answer. She hates whenever anyone advances in her…guild? Mortician’s club? There’s also a chance she’s dead as of the Season 5 finale, but damn if we know what actually happened in that Dagobah rip-off scene.

 

Simplified Bay

Deadpan Card-born: Technically, her full name is “Deadpan Card-born, the Unemotional, Queen of Simplified Bay, Queen of the Anachronisms and the Clichéd, Khaleesi of Faux-Empowerment, Breaker of Suspended Disbelief, and part-time Mother of Dragons.” And boy is she Empowered™! Look how dignified and confident she is! Watch as she delivers long monologues consisting of nothing but platitudes without once changing her facial expression! She doesn’t need to explain her logic to anyone, and if you imply that a development is unearned she will either feed you to her dragons or marry you! Don’t question that logic either. Weirdly, Deadpan seems a little stoopid without the help of her menz, and finds herself in need of rescue quite a bit. But look, she wouldn’t be speaking in monotone if she wasn’t Empowered™, okay?

Empowered or sedated?

Saint Tyrion: Saint Tyrion is the unproblematic fave who can do no wrong. His ex-girlfriend tried to kill him so he had no choice! He would never think to have sex with his prisoner child-bride! He totally respects the personhood of sex workers and the contribution they make to the economy! Because #notallmen! He’s so likable that random slavers will strike off his chains! Everything Saint Tyrion says is correct, and the only people who say something mean about him are people we should NOT LIKE. Booo. It’s especially good that all those people Deadpan thoughtlessly left behind see his value. We’re sure that with his help, Simplified Bay will be Utopia Bay in no time.

Hizdhar zo Sansa: Poor Hizdahr zo Sansa. He’s so strong…just like a lady in a song. This poor guy tried to do all he could after his city was conquered, and his father was brutally murdered, to make the exchange of power as peaceful for everyone as possible. He even persuaded Yunkai to give Deadpan everything she wanted, though because Values Dissonance this was somehow framed as not a good thing. Then, he was forced into a marriage with a woman who clearly terrified him, only to ultimately be unceremoniously killed off by the people he was actually trying to help in the first place. He and his rather nuanced resistance narrative were simply too good for this cruel world.

Faabio Naharis: This tall, dark, and handsome fellow is so worldly that his accent can’t even decide what part of the world he’s from. Faabio has many skills: twirling his stiletto, threatening people in front of their wife, having a filmable ass, solving scooby-doo mystery plots, possibly x-ray vision…and when push comes to shove, he can suddenly and inexplicably be the voice of reason to lead the way in the cult of Saint Tyrion. What queen wouldn’t want a boyfriend like him?

Varys Marx: Smallfolk of the World Unite! Varys Marx is some random eunuch from Lys who is REALLY into fiscal responsibility and kissing Saint Tyrion’s ass. He’s so committed to good governance that, after meeting Illyrio Mopatis in a “Robert Totes Sucks Club” meeting, he and his “colleague” decided that Viserys Targaryen was the way to go and that a plan to invade Westeros with an army of rapists who are afraid of water would totally work. And now Deadpan is the way to go, because she’s so good at compromising. Wait, didn’t Varys Marx provide information to Robert about Deadpan in Season 1 that almost got her killed? Awkward! Varys Marx is really glad he doesn’t have a libido or “debts of affection,” or a backstory or anything like that, to complicate matters.

Miss Worm: It’s always heartwarming when a couple bonds over a shared interest. In this case the interest is becoming mouthpieces for Saint Tyrion and his White Wisdom.

Ser Hilariously Friend-zoned/Greyscale Jorah: Jorah loves Deadpan, you guys. That’s his entire character, and it’s so funny. But he deserves her, truly. He is so devoted to her that he will risk bringing a deadly disease into her city because… um. Well, we shouldn’t be too concerned, since the greyscale hasn’t seemed to have progressed at all in six episodes. Maybe it’s just a rash? Don’t dwell on it, just cheer when he’s finally rewarded for his stalking.

Strawmen of the Harpy: We think these guys are almost all former slavers, except for one Evil Sex Worker of False Tears. But whoever is behind those golden masks simply cannot be sated. What are their demands? We haven’t the foggiest! They’re just always going to oppose everything Deadpan does, even when she demonstrates a willingness to uphold their traditions and respect their nobles. What jerks!

***

 

There you have it, the official Book Snob Glossary.

We can’t wait to see what new entries Season 6 will have in store for us!


[starbox id=”Julia,Kylie”]

Julia
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Julia is a Managing Editor at The Fandomentals with far too many hobbies and complex emotions. She may or may not be an actual Martell.

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