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Transformers: The Last Knight Can’t Decide Which Movie it Wants to Be




Kori: So Transformers. We knew this movie was coming, and that we’d have to review it for the Fandomentals. Hell, it’s impossible to NOT know this movie was coming from how pervasive the advertising campaign was. Unless you’re a Luddite and living off the grid. I envy the Luddites in this instance.

Anyway, we knew this movie would have to be witnessed and written about, and because I’m not a terrible wife, I went in with Jeremiah to go see this turkey.

Was it as bad as Fifty Shades Darker? No. Was it good? No. Let’s break it down.

Transformers: The Last Knight is set sometime in the future after Optimus Prime leaves Earth for some mission that is never clearly defined, and the people of Earth have outlawed any Transformers. Except for Cuba. Apparently, Castro is totally cool with letting any Transformer, Autobot or Decepticon chill on his beaches.

We’re treated to a tonally inconsistent “epic” battle with King Arthur (Liam Garrigan) facing off against a barbarian horde interspersed with Merlin (Stanley Tucci) getting drunk for funsies and meeting with a Transformer knight from a giant Transformer spaceship, obtaining a staff because he asked nicely (that’s all it takes to get a staff of unlimited power?) and riding back to save Arthur’s ass with a robot dragon. It sets the tone for the entire movie.

Jeremiah: About twenty minutes in you turned to me and asked: “What is going on?” This encapsulates what it feels like to watch a Transformers movie. You just sit in the dark wondering what the hell happened for any of this to occur.

Kori: Can you blame me? That opening tried to cram three different genres from four different movies in one segment and started offering up “epic movie moments” that had all the weight and build behind them of a preschooler’s popsicle stick birdhouse.

Jeremiah: Oh I understand and relate. But in a Michael Bay movie, you don’t have feelings and plot so much as ‘stuff happens’ and keeps happening until the credits roll and you’re left going, “Well that happened?”

Kori: Yes. But so many things happened. I used to joke that Australia was a bargain movie because you got three plots in one. Transformers: The Last Knight blows this out of the water. We start with an extended sequence of a group of school kids sneaking into a restricted area, and it’s got all the setup of a far shallower Power Rangers movie, except boom, shit blows up, the kids get rescued by Cade (Mark Wahlberg) and Not Becky G and we never see them again.

Then Cade suddenly has a run in with the TRF (an anti-Transformer extremist group who wants them all dead or detained) and gets rescued by Bumblebee and co. He rides off into the sunset with Not Becky G stowing away with her little Autobot friend Squeaks. And this is after a BIG SAD MOMENT where Not Becky G’s other robot friend, Canopy, is murdered right in front of her by the TRF. She cries over his death, and then it’s never. Mentioned. Again.

Jeremiah: Well there’s no time. We have to move on to not Megan Fox in this movie, an Oxford Professor with umpteen degrees, who is a bit of a klutz, wears pencil skirts and stiletto heels, and whose Mother is trying to hook her up by looking through the classifieds.

Kori: Yes. But we get five minutes of her monologuing about how the King Arthur legend is bullshit so we know she’s a cool and edgy history professor before we cut back to Cade at his junkyard. And honestly, the time we spend with Cade and Not Becky G whose name is actually Izabella (Isabela Moner) is pretty solid.

Wahlberg and Moner have a fun, natural chemistry and there’s a decent found family dynamic working with them. If you overlook the three additional EPIC MOVIE MOMENTS that come out of nowhere and are just as quickly dismissed.

But this is a Bay film, and just as you’re getting invested in this little duo, surprise! BRAND NEW MOVIE GENRE ACT TWO!

Jeremiah: ENTER Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins) as the last surviving Witwiccan. It’s an Order that’s sole purpose was to protect the secret history of the Transformers. Oh, and the staff of Merlin. Because magic is a thing now, but it isn’t because it’s just advanced technology. Except it is magic. I don’t even know anymore.

Burton kidnaps Not Megan Fox whose name is Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock) via Hot Rod (Omar Sy) who speaks French now because French accents are funny. Odd, how he kidnaps Vivian but sends his Jekyll/Hyde bot Cogman (Jim Carter) to cordially invite Cade. Whatever, long story mercifully short, he tells the two that he needs their help to stay the tide of human history or some horse shit.

Kori: And all that time we spent with Cade and the Junkyard Autobots with their newly adopted teenage daughter is dropped like a hot potato. No, we have to go on a completely unnecessary car chase through London and ransack libraries and jump on a retired naval submarine that is actually a transformer that only reacts to Vivian, because oh yeah, SHE’S THE LAST DESCENDENT OF MERLIN AND ONLY SHE CAN WIELD THE STAFF. YOINKS.

So off we go merrily diving into the Atlantic depths, while Burton James Bond’s his way into the Prime Minister’s office and tells everyone to gather the troops ’round Stonehenge. Is any of this feeling like film whiplash? Yes? Congratulations, try watching it.

Jeremiah: You left out the part where Burton tells Cade that he’s a Knight because he fits all the qualities of the Knights of Arthur’s Round Table. Notably chastity. Then Burton and Vivian spend like two minutes mocking him for NOT having sex in a while?

Kori: Or how Bay attempts to be meta by calling out his predilection for EPIC MOVIE MOMENTS by having Burton tell Cogman to knock off playing the organ dramatically while he recounts the Order’s history.

Jeremiah: Oh my God, I forgot about that.

Kori: He does it again later in the movie when everything’s gone batshit and Cade, Vivian, and the reformed TRF plus our old pal Col. William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) are making a last attempt offense at landing on what is basically a floating cybernetic golf ball base to try and get the staff back that Optimus Prime stole (more on Optimus in a minute). They’re set to land in a torrential hail of Decepticon fire and out pops Izabella and Squeaks because… why? Izabella doesn’t know either and quickly verbalizes that this was probably a bad idea. Someone needs to tell Bay that the meta only counts if you course correct or play it with a wink and a nod. You don’t go meta then turn around and do it again for serious.

Jeremiah: Michael Bay doesn’t understand irony. Take Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). A character whose sole purpose in the movie is to go to his home planet, which we’ve known is a dead planet for like four movies now. Then we watch him get his ass handed to him by a floating metallic lady in the water type sorceress figure who’s just hanging around Cybertron, Quintessa (Gemma Chan).

She then ‘casts a spell’ on him and Prime becomes Nemesis Prime. Nemesis Prime then returns to Earth, gets his ass handed to him AGAIN. Shortly there after someone slaps him, or he hits his head, I don’t know, and I don’t give a fuck either. All I know is Optimus snaps out of it; we know this because he goes from losing fights to never shutting the hell up.

Kori: Long story short, the good guys win, Earth is saved and now connected to Cybertron, and everyone has to work together to rebuild. Oh, by the way, Earth is apparently one big transformer itself named Unicron that spouts seven horns.

Yup. Get ready for movie number six. At the end of the day, at least it’s anything but boring. We have no idea what’s supposed to be happening at any given moment, but unlike Fifty Shades Darker, we weren’t always checking our phones for the time and praying it was over. So, progress?

Random Observations

Kori: The nerdy NASA type guy who flips his shit about our heroes using “fairies and hobgoblins” to save the world instead of science and is then proved wrong. *Sigh*

Jeremiah: I loved Gil Birmingham as the Tribal Chief/Police Chief. All thirty seconds of him.

Also “The watch that killed Hitler.” I’m left wondering since we see Bumblebee fighting Nazis, did the Third Reich have Decepticons on their side? Also, implying that transformers fought in WWII begs the question of why it went on for so long; not to mention why Truman thought the A-bomb was necessary?

Kori: Remember how you told me to let the gothic arches in King Arthur’s court go? Same thing applies here. This movie is as shallow as a teacup, and you can’t think about it beyond just watching the flashing pictures on the screen.

Jeremiah: At one point Anthony Hopkins shows them all the people who were in the Order of Witwiccans and the movie just becomes this confusing montage of images and sound. I’m not sure, but I think Bay implied Harriet Tubman was a member of that order. Which, like the WWII thing, just raises a lot of vaguely offensive possibilities.

Kori: Bay tries to throw in a lot of fun, nifty little surprise!History moments in this. Tries being the key word. I can give him half a credit point for trying to diversify a secret society so that they weren’t all stuffy, rich white men. But some of the people he decided to include only raise more questions about this order, and the Autobots themselves.

Jeremiah: Hearing Anthony Hopkins say the words “Bitchin ride” was akin to hearing Sean Connery saying “You’re the man now dog.”

Image courtesy of Paramount Pictures

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Jeremiah lives in Los Angeles and divides his time between living in a movie theatre and writing mysteries. There might also be some ghostbusting being performed in his spare time.


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The more reviews I read/listen to, the more I want to see this movie. It looks like a trashfire, but at least a colorful and crazy one, unlike all the other recent blockbusters (Aliens : Covenant, King Arthur, The Mummy, etc.), which all look bland and boring. Say what you will about Michael Bay, but that guy managed to impose his (problematic, ridiculous and nearly non-existent) vision to the studios.


*sighs* When will Michael Bay stop raping my childhood? 🙁 No, seriously, it’s clear he and the rest of the production crew don’t give a fuck about the setting they’re adapting. The Transformers are there solely to provide “EPIC MOVIE” stunts while their characters get mutilated beyond all recognition and the Humans dominate the story in a way they shouldn’t. And this is apparently the third movie in the series where the Humans just outright hate TFs and drive them underground or offworld? Seriously? The show did this *once*. ONCE. And then it didn’t again. Hell, in the third season… Read more »


‘First Man’ Struggles to Break Free From the Atmosphere




Damien Chazelle’s First Man is two movies; one impeccably crafted and breathtaking while the other is dull and repetitive. The result is for the two and a half hours we find ourselves in a roller coaster of emotion. I vacillated between being enraptured and on the edge of my seat to, while not bored necessarily, but definitely not caring.

First Man is based on the biography of Neil Armstrong, First Man: The Life of Neil A. Armstrong. I haven’t read the book by James R. Hansen but I have to believe we learn more about Armstrong than anything Josh Singer, who wrote the script, seems interested in telling, To see Singer and Chazelle tell it, Neil Armstrong’s life consisted of grieving for his daughter,  Karen (Lucy Stafford) who died when she was four of a brain tumor; and getting to the Moon.

Ryan Gosling’s Armstrong is a taciturn, steely-eyed, stoic man who keeps his emotions to himself. In a way, it’s an act of incredible bravery to make the focus of a story about the first astronauts to the Moon about the least expressive one. If you’re looking for an actor to portray elusive, enigmatic, and unexpressive, then Gosling is your man. Though I wish he wasn’t.

First Man is essentially two movies. Armstrong, the man, is the first movie. Arguably it’s the least interesting. But the second movie is where the real show is at. Chazelle has spared no expense, which at a reported budget of just under sixty million dollars is paltry by modern Hollywood standards. First Man despite its faults is so well crafted from a production design standpoint it borders on wizardry.

We follow the space program, almost from its infancy; from Gemini 1 to Apollo 11. Chazelle and Linus Sandgren, the cinematographer, allow an intimacy in the cockpit. The claustrophobia is visceral and palpable. Rarely has a film made us empathize with a historic act of bravery and lunacy so completely. It helps to underline the amount of sheer fortitude to keep a level head while you are both making history and recording it all for science.

Tom Cross, the editor, pulls off a feat of making much of the two and half hours barely noticeable. Cross and Sandgren combine their talents, along with the composer Justin Hurwitz, to create a scene of stunning anticipatory wonder. I have seen my fair share of movies and documentaries about Apollo 11 but the blast off in First Man raises the bar for likely a whole generation of film-goers and filmmakers.

It reminded me of the scene in Fritz Lang’s silent masterpiece, Woman In The Moon. Lang uses melodrama as an excuse to give us a spectacle. The likes of which, many at the time had never seen. Lang builds the launching of the rocket in a scene that seems to go on eternally, with each passing second more and more climactic. Until finally it lifts off, the music swells, and the crowd cheers.

Chazelle and company have no cheering crowds but they do just as good a job. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say I was enthralled by the sheer majesty and artistry as Hurwitz’s score dominated the theater while just under it Phill Barrie, the sound editor, uses the groans of wrenching steel, the flames from the exhaust, a cacophony of exhilarating sound demonstrating the euphoric power of sheer spectacle of the movies.

I feel as if I should simply sit and list the names of the countless men and women who brought First Man to life. The sound design is exquisite, the art and production design is pristine, the costume departments choices were vivid-everything. It’s a damn masterpiece.

Or at least it would be, if not for the characters. Again, I haven’t read the book and I have no doubt that the loss of Armstrong’s daughter haunted him throughout his life. But I couldn’t help but wonder how Janet, Armstrong’s first wife, felt about the loss of her daughter as well. 

In the beginning, First Man appears to be a daring departure. A big studio Hollywood docudrama that shelves the spectacle and instead explores grief. Chazelle opens with Armstrong in the cockpit of a jet as he flies above the clouds. It is exhilarating as Cross, Hurwitz, and Sandgren, give us a taste of what we can expect. But then Chazelle cuts to Armstrong’s home. We see he and Janet caring for their sick daughter.

We cut to a dimly lit sterile room where Karen is strapped to a gurney. A giant monolithic drill hovers above her. It seems like something from a science fiction pulp magazine. It isn’t. It’s modern medicine. Armstrong, an engineer, pours over his notes, not of his flight into the stratosphere, but the notes the doctors have given him. He solves problems and fixes things. But he can’t solve his daughter’s tumor.

The first thirty minutes or so are pure cinema. Chazelle is a talented and skilled craftsman and his abilities are on full display. But Gosling is wooden on a good day and here he seems like a robotic refugee trying to fit in amongst the Hu-Mans. His normally closed lipped and laser like intense stare usually elevate whatever role he’s in. Here though, Chazelle turns what is meant to be an enigmatic and haunted man into a boring one note jerk.

Foy has already turned in a marvelous performance in this year’s stellar Unsane. Whereas Steven Soderbergh gave Foy a seemingly impossible range of emotions which she captured perfectly and expertly; Chazelle and Singer have her as merely the wife. She has a couple of nice moments, such as when she all but demands Neil say goodbye to his sons before he goes to the Moon.

Kyle Chandler as Deke Skelton, one of the original Mercury Seven, and who is essentially the Chief of Astronauts, is reliable as always. Chandler is rapidly becoming this generation’s answer to Kevin Costner. Character actors are a dying breed. But actors like Chandler remind us why they are a gift to filmmakers. Why waste a line of pointless exposition or shoot a needless scene to illustrate who the character is? When all you need is the type. It’s a shortcut both for the filmmakers and the audience and it cuts down on the clutter. I can’t help but smile and relax a little whenever I see Chandler show up on screen.

First Man may be a technical and cinematic marvel but when it comes to Armstrong or any of the characters, no matter the talent involved, it stumbles. The effects may leave the likes of Ron Howard’s Apollo 13 in the dust. But I can’t help but feel as if we underestimate the value of an actor who can express recognizable human emotion. Take a more recent example, Theodore Melfi’s Hidden Figures. Janelle Monae, Octavia Spencer, and Taraji P. Henson contain more humanity in a press junket than the majority of the scenes between the Hu-Mans in First Man.

I admired Chazelle’s attempt to subvert audience expectations, my own included, and deeply loved the clear love and joy of space exploration. It takes a brave soul to lure people into a theater with a promise of a rousing historical reenactment of a great human achievement, and instead have it be a thesis on grief. But that’s just the thing, it’s a shallow exploration of grief.

Armstrong never discusses Karen’s life or death with anyone, including his wife Janet. What Chazelle is looking at isn’t grief so much as an obsession. Even that’s not true because when Armstrong is at NASA, Karen is the furthest thing from his mind. Some of you may be yelling, “That’s the point!” To which I say, “I know! It’s still dull in its single mindedness.”

Someone once asked Gene Siskel how he judged a movie was worth seeing. “Is this film more interesting than a documentary about the same actors having lunch?” First Man transports us to the sixties and revels in the attention to detail. Chazelle and company make it known the toe curling dangers these brave men and women were facing in their quest to push mankind forward; just sixty years after we had mastered flight.

But when it’s actually about the individual people I half hoped that Gosling would break character. Yes, I’ll say it. Seeing Ryan Gosling ordering a ham on rye with a side of pickles and a small coffee-two creams-no sugar; is preferable to the slice of life scenes in First Man. Still, I can’t in good conscious tell you not to see First Man. The artistry and craftsmanship is too great to not see it as it was meant to be seen: on the big screen. Just know that when First Man switches back to the Armstrong household, that’s a perfect time to use the bathroom. You’re welcome.


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First Look at Disney’s Live Action Aladdin is Here





Aladdin reaching for the lamp

It’s here! It’s here! We finally after what feels like years of waiting have the first real teaser trailer for Disney’s live-action Aladdin coming next May! (The 24th to be exact.)

The teaser premiered during Thursday Night Football on FOX which was a great choice considering TNF has the best ratings on broadcast TV currently.

Since news broke of this film’s development, I’ve been watching closely. In July as casting news first came, I wrote how the movie was already behind considering the original’s racist and truly questionable choices. People were and are still feuding over whether or not all the cast should be South Asian or Middle Eastern with Mena Massoud’s Aladdin and Naomi Scott’s Jasmine.

September brought more news and a second article on the film. Now it’s exciting to finally see more than one behind the scenes filming photo! Here it is in its one minute and twenty-eight seconds of Disney giving us just enough to want more, glory.

I made a joke earlier to a friend about it needing to be more substantial than just sand. Well, we got the sand, and the cave, and the scary voice, and Aladdin himself!! For approximately 2.5 seconds!! For a teaser trailer, it did exactly that. Teased me and everyone who has been waiting for it all day, but I’m so excited. And the few moments we get to see Jasmine’s palace?!?!?!

The musical cues (Friend Like Me) evoking the original movie leading to a glimpse of Aladdin going to touch the lamp…amazing. I know folks will complain that there isn’t much else in the teaser, which is true. But it’s a teaser y’all and I can’t wait to see more promotional material in the months to come!

Image courtesy of Walt Disney Studios

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Great Expectations (Chill With the Trailer Overreactions)




I don’t mean to harp on an issue but can we all just take a step back? When did seeing one trailer grant us the definite knowledge of a film’s quality? It seems that before we’ve even put money down for a ticket we’ve already decided the film’s place in the cinematic canon. 

I’ll admit I went a little far when I’ve said trailers are lies told by liars who have never seen the movie. Most people who make trailers are not purposefully out to deceive you. Trailers by design, are meant to get you excited, to gin up audience anticipation. That is the extent of what a trailer is. No more or less.

To some degree, there is some inherent value to trailers. It allows us some idea of an approximation of what the film might look like. If the trailer is honest, it will give us a clue to as to what to expect. Personally, when it comes to trailers I remain a hard-bitten cynic. I don’t trust them, not a one. Which is not to say I don’t get excited or squeal with fanboy glee from time to time. But those moments are usually followed by a cold hard reality: it’s a toy commercial, not the movie.

It’s one thing to post or write about a reaction to a trailer. Or, depending on the trailer, trying to suss out little easter eggs and clues hidden in the corner of the frames. But by no means do trailers justify near the amount of oxygen and digital space we spend on discussing them. Though, much like old commercials, old trailers are interesting in a historical context.

I’m not one of those people who think trailers are art. I’ll admit there is an art to making trailers but I won’t go so far as to say they are art themselves. Trailers are commercials for a studio’s product. Somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that and instead have pledged either our fealty or opposition to a film even before the reviews are out.

When McDonald’s advertises a new sandwich, no one sits down and examines the commercial for clues for what the sandwich might taste like. We understand what McDonald’s is trying to do. They want us to buy their sandwich. Whether or not we do will depend on how hungry we are and how much money we have.

Movies are a mass art. But they are also a product made by companies that desperately want your money. I’m not saying trailers can’t be fun or that I don’t find myself forming an opinion based off one trailer. It’s human nature. But I also don’t go into a movie hoping the movie is going to be the best or the worst movie of the year.

I go in hoping for a good movie. That’s it. I just want the movie to be good. If it leans one way or the other then so be it. But you have to let the movie be what it wants to be and not what you were promised. People who get mad at a movie because a trailer lied to them seem to misunderstand the purpose of an advertisement. It’s not meant to be truthful, it’s meant to get you to give studios your money.

Venom is a movie that I held out very little hope for. I saw the teaser when it first dropped and frankly it took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize it wasn’t just a Funny Or Die skit. Those who listen to my podcast or follow me, know that I spent a large amount of time trash talking Justice League before it came out. Both movies turned out to be wildly enjoyable.

It’s natural to have expectations. But we can’t be a slave to those expectations. A co-worker of mine was talking about the Aquaman trailer. He seemed disappointed. I asked him why. “It looks like it’s just Black Panther underwater.” Nevermind that said co-worker loved Black Panther, but isn’t it odd that based off one trailer he’s already surmised what the movie is about and even its tone. Granted, on the surface, the purpose of the trailer is to tell you those things.

Except, it’s not really. Again, on the surface, a trailer’s job is to tell you the basics. What is the movie is about? What will the tone of the movie be? Who’s in it? Who made it? Yet, in actuality, the purpose of a trailer is none of those things. The purpose, much like Sam Elliot narrating commercials for beef, is to merely let you know what’s for dinner. You don’t get to go around bragging about how much you know about a movie nobody has even seen yet and get to call yourself credible.

“But Jeremiah,” you may ask, “how do I know if a movie is good? How do I know what’s playing? Aren’t trailers necessary?” Well, you could, if I may be so bold, read your local critic. Sites like Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB have coming soon lists.

As to are trailers necessary? Not to court controversy, but no, they’re not. Do you know what I do when I go to the movies during the trailers? I take a light nap. Few things beat going into a movie cold.

Remember when I said expectations are only natural? Well, a good way to counter those expectations is to not have any. Not to sound too zen but too often we hate movies for being something they were never going to be. The idea of what we were told as opposed to what we watched. It’s not fair to us and it’s unbearably unfair to the movie.

Trailers do a fantastically effective job of brainwashing us. I’ve heard people complain that one trailer gave away too much while another trailer too little. Adam Mckay’s Anchorman had a trailer made up entirely of scenes not in the movie. Their reasoning was simple, “People always complain that the best scenes were in the trailer. So what if we save the best scenes for the movie? What if we film scenes just for the trailer?” Believe it or not, people were furious.

Movies aren’t the truth; trailers even less so. Like poetry, the truth lies in the spaces between the lines. If you come out of a movie angry that the movie didn’t have any scenes from the trailer, perhaps it’s time you explore other ways to spend your time.

Roger Ebert once said, “Trailers are advertisements for the movie the studio wants you to see.” With any movie, you have a myriad of versions that could be edited and released to a mass audience. The trailer is merely the one the studio thinks is the easiest one to sell. The movie itself, oftentimes, gets the short shrift.

It’s hard enough to get a movie made without audiences already passing judgment on something they haven’t seen or read about. Oh, sure countless YouTube channels have people reacting to trailers followed by what they hope the movie does. Yet, I can’t help but notice people don’t watch commercials for the new Maxi-Pads with bated breath.

In case I wasn’t clear, yes, I’m comparing movie trailers to commercials about menstrual pads. They both serve the same purpose, to let you know the product is either out or coming out. In fact, I would argue, there’s more truth in the Maxi-Pad commercial.

Image Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

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