Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Roanoke Turns into a Found-Footage Splatter Fest

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Welp. I guess this is what the big twist is: from a docudrama show-within-a-show to a full-fledged found footage horror series. Doesn’t feel super revolutionary in 2016 when The Blair Witch Project came out in 1999.

They recreated this moment and everything

“Chapter 7” Recap

People died.

No, okay, lemme get slightly serious.

Rory’s body is missing, and in the production trailer, Agnes-as-Butcher attacks Sidney, a PA, and the cameraman.

Back at the house Agnes attacks Shelby, but Dominic shows up at the last minute and saves her. Agnes disappears after Dominic beats her up, so maybe she’s actually a ghost. There’s a semi-creepy scene where she’s in the cellar channeling the Butcher and a bunch of the twig effigies appear around her.

Shelby’s bleeding pretty badly, so Lee, Monet, and Audrey go through the tunnels to look for Sidney. Lee shoots Agnes in the tunnel but she gets up and walks away. The women find the trailer and the bodies, and the car is as dead as the crew.

Shelby is doing her Blair Witch thing when blood drips on her head. Rory’s body is above her, eviscerated.


Audrey has a breakdown, but Monet and Lee drag her away when they see flashlights in the distance. Eventually they’re caught: it’s the Polks, the redneck family. They tie Lee to a chair and “season” her leg like they’re going to eat it. They hold Audrey and Monet hostage and feed them…uh. Mystery meat. Soylent Green. Lee, in other words.

Back at the house Matt sneaks into the basement to meet the witch, who may or may not be Gaga. Who knows. Dominic sees him and goes to get Shelby. She scares the witch away, but Matt tells her she’s why he came back. He’s in love with the witch!

Shelby loses it and smacks him in the head with a metal hook until he’s really most sincerely dead.

Agnes in the cellar removes the bullet from her shoulder, so I guess she’s not a ghost. She then leads a group (the settler ghosts, it seems) to the house to burn it down. She gets to meet the Butcher! The real one! How exciting for her.

Aaaaand then she gets a butcher knife to the head.

Thankfully that was the end of the episode.


The second the credits ran my mom said, “I’m glad it’s over! That was awful! God, that was awful!”

She was right.

This episode was, like I said, basically a found-footage slasher flick. One splattery, gory death after another with little to no plot holding it together. I don’t even really have a review because…nothing happened? Except people dying over and over and over.

Death count this episode is at least 5, possibly 6, since we don’t know if Lee is alive or dead. We also got to see Rory’s spread-eagle corpse dripping blood everywhere.

How is this good television? How is this good ANYthing? We don’t know the actor-characters at all, since we spent the first 5 episodes with them playing roles, so am I supposed to feel awful when they die? Sure Audrey’s breakdown when she sees Rory is sad, but only on the most basic, human level; not because you actually care about Audrey or Rory themselves, as characters you’ve gotten to know and love.

Shelby murdering Matt was kinda rough, but I mean. Honestly after he gave her such shit about a weekend romp with Dominic, and he came back to the house for the witch, I might’ve had something to say with the business end of a meathook myself.

I’m sorry there’s not much more I can give you in the way of analysis here, but the episode was just so god awful and…pointless! I wish we’d had at least one episode getting to know these people before they started dropping like flies.

Ugh, what a mess. Is this season redeemable after this point? I mean, there’re 3 episodes left, so let’s hope it’s not just the rest of the cast being picked off one by one.

Images curtesy of FX

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