It’s happened to all of us at least once. You walk in on a conversation between a couple of your fellow queer ladies while they’re discussing TV fandoms. One of them is raving about her favorite wlw character, and you agree wholeheartedly, only to realize you’re not even talking about the same person. Then you get very confused. Wait, are we talking about Supergirl or Orange is the New Black? Turns out they’re talking about Degrassi and you look like an idiot.
Let’s face it, when we meet female TV characters with certain names, we just know they’re probably going to turn out to be queer. Maybe it’s especially obvious to me because I have one of these names, but there’s a clear pattern. This past year or so of TV brought us a new queer character with at least 4 of the following 6 names, so I know I’m onto something here. Behold, my totally scientific list of names that signal your newest TV crush is probably into chicks.
Editor’s Note: As of 4/1/18, this article has been updated to include characters missed at the time of initial publication.
There haven’t actually been a ton of wlw characters named Emily (as far as I know), but they’ve all been memorable enough to make this name an easy pick for the list. The big one is Emily Fields, the Pretty Little Liars resident lesbian jock. She’s famous for her gay as hell outfits, kind and loyal personality, and having ALL the girlfriends. Emily Fields was an incredibly important character to have on screen. Though she had the obligatory coming out story, the show moved past that early and made her sexuality just one part of the character as a whole. She was allowed that angst as she figured out who she was, but also the happiness that comes with self-acceptance. We got the full journey over seven seasons with Emily. Unfortunately, the show disappointed by killing off many of its other queer female characters, including transwoman CeCe Drake.
Before Emily Fields, we had Emily Fitch of Skins. She was one of the major characters in the group the British teen drama followed in seasons 3 and 4. Her romance with Naomi Campbell was both adorable and gifable. It also brought the drama and broke our hearts. It may have been hard to watch at times, but in 2009 we still had a dearth of teen wlw characters on TV, and hey, we can all relate to angst.
The treatment of the couple by the show was controversial, however. Certainly in terms of negative tropes. They pulled the lesbian sleeping with a man trope, which was disappointing. It’s debatable whether or not that counted as cheating since Naomi was still being unclear what she wanted from Emily at that point, but in any case Naomi later cheated on Emily too. The cheating wlw trope tends to target bisexuals more, but still, this wasn’t the best. Then the show pulled the Bury Your Gays trope (barring a miracle) in Skins: Fire, but we don’t speak of that. Emily and Naomi lived happily ever after, okay? On the bright side, we got to hear Emily proudly declare that she wanted to have sex with girls and liked soft thighs and tits and fanny. So… there was good with the bad.
This past spring brought two new queer Emilys to our screens. On Supergirl, we officially met Maggie’s notorious ex-girlfriend and her name turned out to be Emily. Meanwhile, three episodes into The Handmaid’s Tale we learned that the character we knew as Ofglen was also named Emily. Though nothing in that show is sunshine and rainbows, Emily undisputably had one of the most painful storylines of season 1. After being caught with another woman, she was subjected to mutilation and forced to watch her lover hanged. Understandably, this upset some people in the community. However, I maintain that this was a good use of the Bury Your Gays and gayngst tropes and indeed a necessary one. Queer people would absolutely be targeted in a right-wing religious regime, and it’s important no one forget that. Not us, and definitely not those outside our community who think we have achieved equality.
Paige McCullers of Pretty Little Liars is basically me as a TV character, and her arc hurt so good. While Emily’s coming out was somewhat difficult for her, Paige’s story was arguably more painful. Raised in a religious family, she was deeply closeted and had to fight through a lot of self-loathing homophobia. She was also bullied deeper into the closet by Alison, who didn’t want her getting close to Emily. But after some seriously problematic behavior and scared false starts, she managed to come out and be happy with herself. Some people don’t want to see homophobia and painful queer storylines on TV, but I strongly disagree. This is important. Those of us who have gone through things like this need to see ourselves represented. And people who still are going through it need to know there’s hope on the other side.
Degrassi: The Next Generation also had a wlw by this name, the bisexual Paige Michalchuk. One of the main characters, she got involved with bad girl Alex Nuñez midway through her run on the series. The two dated for a couple of seasons, and after they broke up Paige hooked up with a guy again during season 7. And no, this did not somehow invalidate her queerness. I don’t want to hear any of that nonsense around here. Bisexual women are still bisexual when they’re dating men, period.
On that note, beloved bi/pan icon Kristanna Loken played a character named Paige on The L Word for a season. Well, she was in one episode in season 5, but Paige promptly left the show when she found Shane doing the realtor while they were searching for an apartment together. It was then implied that she may have burned down Wax, the skateboard/barber shop where Shane worked. This looked like a rather lovely instance of the crazy bi ex-girlfriend stereotype until Shane confessed to burning it down herself in the post-finale interrogation tapes.
There’s a couple more examples. Paige of Mary + Jane seemed to exhibit bisexual (or at the very least heteroflexible) tendencies. She had a weirdly hilarious queer sex dream, perhaps influenced by marijuana and her business partner’s sexual fluidity. Also, Community had a guest character named Page in one episode, who wasn’t actually a lesbian but was mistaken for one. Perhaps the name had something to do with it.
Lisa Simpson has got to be the most famous queer Lisa on television. The fact that she’s both polyamorous and bisexual is not necessarily common knowledge, but a series of family photos in The Simpsons 23×09 “Holidays of Future Passed” revealed she had two girlfriends (at once) in college before marrying Millhouse.
Arguably the most notorious queer character named Lisa, however, fittingly comes from the most notorious wlw show. The L Word’s Lisa the lesbian man is not a wlw, but still, he identified as a lesbian. That entire storyline made little sense and seemed to be an off-color joke. It hasn’t aged well either, as in retrospect it appears to be mocking a nonbinary character. Of course, The L Word rarely handled any trans or genderqueer issues with anything resembling tact. Additionally, there was at least one more queer Lisa on The L Word, possibly two. Then there was Tasha’s straight dead friend from the army who was also named Lisa. It’s by far the most common name on the show.
This is not just an L Word thing, though. House of Cards regular Rachel Posner developed a relationship with a woman named Lisa Williams during season 2 of that show. Theirs was a particularly beautiful and cathartic relationship to watch: two damaged women finding solace, comfort, and trust in each other. It was great and all until Rachel’s handler stalker Stamper forced her to break things off with Lisa because he was obsessed with her (and eventually ended up murdering her. Yikes.)
Shameless added to the Lisa trend in 2015 when it introduced a lesbian couple to the Gallaghers’ neighborhood. Not just one, but both of them were named Lisa. The Lisas were part of the gentrification storyline that took off in season 5 and has dominated the show since. That explains part of why they are not generally liked, but homophobia seems to come into play too. The couple is referred to by lesbophobic slurs as much as their name(s). I don’t like them either, since they are your typical overbearing and judgmental suburbanites, but some of the slurs and threats they were subject to were a bit much. We haven’t seen the Lisas since season 6, but at last sighting they were pregnant. At the same time. Stereotypical and hilarious.
The appearance of Nicole’s surprise wife Shae in Wynonna Earp this year cemented that name’s place on this list. She came on the heels of Orphan Black’s Shay Davydov. I think fans of Lost Girl were ecstatic to hear Ksenia Solo was going to play a queer woman until they heard the character was an alternative love interest for Cosima. Then boy, did she get internet hate. It was really too bad, because Shay was an interesting character who seemed to be really good for Cosima. She was caring and a good listener and overall a terrific catch, and I was sad she didn’t stay on the show in some capacity.
Though it was her last name, I also count Chicago Fire’s Leslie Shay in this tally. No one called her by her first name, anyway. Leslie the lesbian was probably a little too on the nose. The sassy paramedic had off the charts chemistry with her partner, Gabby Dawson. When Dawson moved on to firefighting, she also had some serious sexual tension with Allison Rafferty, her (probably self-loathing) homophobic new partner. She had a sketchy girlfriend named Devon for a while, too, probably because they needed a lesbian with an even gayer name than Shay.
Sadly, Shay was lost to a convenient pipe hitting her head, one of the more dramatically underwhelming instances of Bury Your Gays in the last few years. She was pretty much fridged for the development of her best friends on the show. One was a guy, and the other was Dawson, the woman we all wanted her to hook up with. Yeah, that was a tear fest.
Does Shane McCutcheon from The L Word count, since the names are so similar? Close enough, I say. Do I even need to get into her story and impact on the community? Probably not a good idea. It gets me riled up, and we could be here for hours.
Being Canadian, Alex Nuñez was the first queer Alex I became aware of on TV. She came out in 2005 during Season 5 of Degrassi: The Next Generation. I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit I didn’t watch the show. Because of my nationality, that is, not necessarily because it’s good (my friends’ reviews are mixed). But I remember hearing about it when Alex came out, because at the time it felt like a huge deal. And it was. We had so little representation at the time outside of The L Word, which was full of characters I couldn’t relate to. To be fair, fellow Canadian teen drama Edgemont also had a lesbian character. And I really related to Shannon’s story, as I was also a gay Christian. But Degrassi is a much more well-known show, which made Alex’s coming out and her relationship with Paige extra important.
Around the same time, The OC’s protagonist Marissa Cooper had a fling with Alex Kelly, the bisexual manager of local music venue The Bait Shop. This was, again, a big deal. The OC was more mainstream in the USA and this storyline turned some heads (as well as the tide). This may have been the character who cemented the queer Alex trope. A few years later, a lesbian named Alex dated a main character on the original UK version of Mistresses. When the series was adapted for US audiences, most characters who filled similar roles had their names changed. Not Alex, though. I wonder why…
Then Alex Vause came along and stole our collective hearts. The Orange is the New Black co-lead is easily one of the most crushable characters on the show. Between the glasses and sultry voice and assertiveness, it’s no wonder Piper fell for her. That and, you know, she’s played by Laura Prepon. The community likes to argue about to what extent the Pipex relationship is toxic and if it’s good representation. I’m not gonna dip my toe in that cesspool, but in any case I am very glad Alex is around. The identity intersection of poor queer women is one that does not get nearly enough attention. I strongly related to young Alex being teased about wearing Bobos instead of Adidas and how her mom worked multiple jobs. That and her depression storyline, and pragmatism, and the way Piper’s antics never fail to make her roll her eyes.
The real life person she’s based on is actually named Catherine, which could have been shortened to the gay-ish Cat/Kat. But her name was already changed to Nora in the original memoir to protect her anonymity. And I guess Nora just wasn’t gay enough for Jenji Kohan and company.
We can count The 100’s Commander Lexa here too, because her name is shortened from Alexandria. Like Shane McCutcheon, for the sake of brevity it’s best not to get into this one, but suffice it to say everyone knows who I’m talking about and what her impact was. RIP, Heda. You deserved better.
Supergirl’s Alex Danvers is the latest in this long line of wlw characters by that name. She wasn’t originally conceived as a gay character, but they felt it fit for her, and she already had the name. Coincidence? Or is every Alex destined to be queer? To be honest, I’m pretty sure every female Alex I’ve known in real life has turned out not to be straight. But I digress.
Coming out stories for women in their late twenties and older aren’t common on TV, so Alex Danvers is a novelty in her own way, despite the common name. Her coming out story was done incredibly well and respectfully. It was both earnest and honest. Though I can’t relate to her coming out process in particular, she’s an amazing character, and the show has done a great job with her arc. The backstory and arc of her girlfriend, Maggie Sawyer, was more relatable to me. Honestly, it made me cry. Especially the scenes this season with her father, because I grew up in a similarly unsupportive environment. In short, Supergirl is doing amazing. This is the kind of queer representation I want to see on TV.
There aren’t as many examples of this name because it’s not a common one, but the percentage is still high. Rest assured, if you meet a woman on TV named Frankie, chances are she’s a fanny bandit. Frankie Dart, the absurdly boring efficiency consultant hired by Greendale College in season 6 of Community was outed as a lesbian when a bunch of faculty emails were leaked. Frankie Stone was a wlw character on All My Children for a few months in the fall of 2001. You know, until they killed her, as you’d expect. The actress later came back and played Frankie’s twin sister, Maggie, who ended up involved with the character everyone had previously shipped Frankie with. (The name Maggie borders on deserving a spot on this list too. More on that below.)
Despite a close call with a blowtorch and lots of prison power struggles, Franky Doyle is somehow still alive on the sh*tshow that is Wentworth. (I mean that in the best possible way. The show got too intense for me and I had to quit watching it, but it’s fantastic.) Franky has been in and out of prison a couple times and been involved with several ladies over the course of the show. You know, as fanny bandits do. She has a special place in my heart because she, much like Vause and Nuñez, is reflective of my underprivileged upbringing. I love seeing those girls succeed. Even if it’s just succeeding at seducing the HBIC or escaping from prison.
Let’s not forget about Frankie Alan of Lip Service, the iconic British wlw-themed show that came on the air shortly after The L Word ended. Frankie was somewhat of an analogue to Shane McCutcheon, only bisexual. She had similarly terrible emotional and family issues and, just like Shane, had a tendency to self-sabotage. Another thing she shared with Shane was the sex appeal and fandom following, for good reason. That attractive androgynous wounded woman thing just pulls us right in, doesn’t it? I blame Graham Eaton.
Stef and Lena Adams-Foster at one point had a bun in the oven whom they pre-emptively named Frankie. Because of course the lesbians would give their child a totally gay name. (Yes, I know she was named after Stef’s recently dead father, shhhh.) Tragically, Frankie had to be aborted for medical reasons. But if she had been born, she probably would have turned out to be a wlw too. If not for the name, because of the show she was a part of. The Fosters loves its queer characters, after all. And we love them too.
As those last three names illustrate, wlws are often given gender-neutral names on TV. It’s par for the course, seeing as wlw content creators tend to favor those names as well. (I myself have often wished I had a gender-neutral name, not a boring straight-sounding one. At least that second part is changing, on TV anyway.) I have a feeling we started it and the trend was picked up by the mainstream media. Either that or everyone just assumes queer women are going to be gender atypical and they give us names to reflect that. So really, any gender-neutral name can be considered an honorable mention here.
One notable example is Nicky. Aside from the obvious Nicky Nichols of Orange is the New Black, there’s Nikki from Nikki and Nora, the unfortunately aborted cop show about a couple of detectives who were partners in more than one sense of the word. Thanks to those two and Wynonna Earp’s Officer Haught, Nicole is starting to creep up this list.
There are a couple less gender neutral names that seem to be associated with wlws on a smaller scale. Lesbian witch Tara Maclay and bisexual human-turned-vampire Tara Thornton were on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and True Blood, respectively, and both met unfortunate violent ends. Also, Thornton and the aforementioned Emily Fitch both had girlfriends named Naomi.
Finally, I would be remiss to leave without tipping my hat to Maggie, seeing as I’ve already mentioned two of them in this article. Maggie Sawyer was already canonically a lesbian in the DC comics, but hey, that’s still a form of media. While this analysis focused on TV characters, the pattern extends across mediums into books and movies, comics and video games. (See Emily Kaldwin of Dishonored, for example.) Maggie Sawyer has been in multiple TV shows and video games, so she’s almost pushing that name up the list all by herself.
So, what do you think? Are there any other trending names I missed? Any examples of these names I don’t know about? Hit me up in the comments.
Images Courtesy of Hulu, Warner Bros., 20th Television, NBC, The CW, SoHo, Showtime, All3Media, and Netflix
FM+ Presents: GoT is Bad, the 5 Paragraph Essay
Dragonstalled Part 1: Revolutionary Ruin
Someone tell the story, someone sing a song. Every now and then a love story, comes out a little wrong. Every now and then emotions, fail to seem real strong. Doesn’t change the story—they’re stringing us along. Doesn’t change the cliché.
Hello and welcome to the big one: the Season 7 retrospective piece for Game of Thrones that we (Julia and Kylie, known as “Julie”) have been procrastinating to write. Because while it’s certainly the main event, it’s also the one that’s most devoid of content.
That’s right, we’re talking about the plotlines that center on Dragonstone, or “The Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension” as we’ve dubbed it, with the three main characters of David Benioff and Dan Weiss (D&D)’s show. As usual, we’ve decided to watch and analyze just this one plotline, so that we can truly unpack the masterful narrative crafted by these two titans of the industry. And masterful it must be, as its netted them a record-breaking 26 Emmy nominations.
For anyone who didn’t have the pleasure of watching this season of Game of Thrones, Julie is here to sum up what happened for you the only way she knows how to cope: with a ~~high level~~ humorous recap. The more serious analysis that yes, will cut out the nicknames (we promise), is in Part 2, discussing the arcs of Queen Daenerys, Tyrion the Hand, and King Jon. King Snow? Well that doesn’t seem right!
And in fact, it won’t be for the time being, as this is how Julie thinks of the characters:
And also featuring…
Please note that Faullaria and the Sand Fakes rule in a wacky, hedonistic place known as “Porne,” and the leader of the Army of the Dead is “Shogun.” If any other names confuse you, or you’d like a fuller explanation of the Extreme Cleverness behind these jokes, we direct you to the world-famous Book Snob Glossary.
And now you’re armed with lingo, and ready sit back as we present a…
It’s Tough to be King
Things start off with our romantic male lead, King Jonny Cardboard, First of his Name, King in the North, chairing what looks to be an incredibly unruly meeting. No one’s even taking notes, and it seems as though the king didn’t once talk to his advisor (?)/sister(?)/lady of his castle(?)/heir(?) ahead of time.
Jon just wants to focus on the war that’s coming and on his social program of promoting gender equality. He asks the Wind-Vane Lords to turn in any dragonglass they might have, and explains to them that their daughters will be fighting along with their sons. They all clutch their pearls and yell, “But magically appearing patriarchy!” “Patriarchy is smashed,” Little Lyanna Mormont declares. She speaks last and with great force, so everyone agrees with her.
Jonny is also very concerned about shoring up defenses, because he’s read the script and knows the Army of the Dead will breach the Wall this season. In fairness, we guess his concern is totally justified. Jonny’s first act is to protect the Wall in declaring that the Wildlings, led by Beardy (we think), will be manning it now. It’s actually kind of thematically apt! Also probably useless, since only about 20 of their people survived the Battle of Bastards before the Vale Lords came to bail them out.
However, the real question is what to do with the castles of UMBER and KARSTARK. Though Jonny gets some great suggestions such as “tear apart the establishments brick-by-brick” and “reward them to people loyal to you,” he decides to grant them instead to children liege lords, because we can’t punish children for their fathers’ crimes. This is…not dumb, certainly, but also not smart.
Brittany tells Jonny as much outside, but Jonny is more upset that she dared second-guess his decision in front of the Wind-Vane Lords. Maybe you two could have gotten on the same page beforehand and this wouldn’t have been an issue? Brittany apologizes for Jonny’s hurt feelings, but insists that he needs to be smarter than past Stark family members who were apparently all big dumb-dumbs. But wait, wouldn’t that mean he’d have to listen to her suggestions?
Turns out she might have a point, since they receive a threatening letter from Cheryl, demanding that he bends the knee. Jonny dismisses it though, saying it’s wintertime and she won’t come North. When Brittany remains worried, Jonny tells her that it sounds like she admires Cheryl. Uh.
Elsewhere, Deadpan Stormborn, after sailing for an undisclosed amount of time, reaches shore. There, she finds Abandoned Island with an abandoned castle. She opens the doors and walks through it. “Shall we begin?”
Now it’s time for the romantic leading lady to have a staff meeting of her own, since these characters are so beautifully paralleled. To be fair, this one is a lot better run, and Missandei has a perfect memory, so that basically counts as note-taking. It’s also slightly better-written because this is a Bryan Cogman episode.
In fact, it really is noticeable, since there’s about five minutes of exposition making up for everything D&D never bothered to explain. Like, Deadpan Stormborn being born in a storm. In Weisseroff, not some foreign land mind you. (But who would ever hold that against her? That’d be silly.)
Deadpan doesn’t like Abandoned Island. She needs more sexual tension in it. Also, apparently all the Lords don’t like Cheryl, as is explained to us by Saint Tyrion and Varys Marx. She only controls half the Kingdom thanks to Deadpan’s alliance with Porne, The Dowager Sasstress, and Yara, so taking out Cheryl should be easy. But not too easy, because there’s two seasons left.
“Conquering Westeros would be easy for you, but you’re not here to be Queen of the Ashes.” —Tyrion, “Stormborn”
Reasonable. Deadpan takes this opportunity to finally ask Varys about that time he tried to have her killed. What’s up with that? It’s almost like he had totally different motivations in Season 1 than he does now. Varys shrugs and basically explains that he was trying to murder her for the good of the people, which she calls bull on. But he chooses her now, because of her stunning charisma and revolutionary social-justice platform?
We don’t have any answer, but Deadpan says that he can hang, as long as he tells her to her face if she’s ever failing to be the ideal Dictator of the Proletariat. Also if he fails or betrays her, she’s going to burn him alive. Even more reasonable!
As is her wont, a wild
Meli-sans-bra Meli-sans-plot pops up. She’s doing her civic duty by telling Deadpan that she liked the whole slavery bustin’ thing. This is good practice, guys. Call your elected representatives when you like what they do, too.
This also gives Varys Marx an open shot to point out how she served Stannis. Hey Varys, remember when we just discussed you serving Robert? Deadpan remembers and shuts him up with that. Then Mel awkwardly brings up “the prince that was promised,” and Missandei even more awkwardly decides it’s a great time to discuss issues in translations when some languages have gendered nouns and others don’t. It’s The Last Jedi plural debate all over again!
Also, Mel isn’t really that into Deadpan. She’s a fan of King Jonny, which she tells them. This apparently informs Tyrion that Jon Snow is the King in the North, and maybe he should reach out to him. What did they think was happening there? Log onto Weisseroffi Twitter like everyone else, jeeze! Cheryl already sent him mail.
Fortunately for Team Deadpan, Tyrion’s own letter travels through a wormhole to reach Jonny and Brittany in no time at all. They discuss it while observing a co-ed archery lesson. Brittany thinks it’s obviously a trap, and even folksy ol’ Davos notes Tyrion’s humble-brag about Deadpan’s massive army and dragons. But Brittany points out what an unproblematic fave Tyrion is. Also hey, could dragon fire be used on wights? Imagine the possibilities!
Speaking of those possibilities, apparently one thing that isn’t on the table is dragons being used in a battle to defeat enemies. Because that is really, really bad optics. You see, Deadpan has gathered all her allies so that Tyrion can tell them her battle plan: divide your troops for…reasons.
They clearly can’t attack Cheryl’s Landing with one surgical strike that’d take maybe an hour, because that might scare the smallfolk. A much better option is to lay siege to it for months, and possibly years, slowly starving all of its inhabitants. Then they’ll really love Deadpan, along with the Pornish and Ironboors now tasked with besieging them. They just need to swing by Porne for some duel-wielding troops. Meanwhile, the Unsullied won’t just sit on their hands—oh no. They’re going to circumnavigate Weisseroff so that they can sack Casterly Castle, the most important strategic stronghold, obviously.
Deadpan thinks this is great. She’s not here to be queen of the ashes. Faullaria grins evilly in agreement. Yara is speechless in admiration for Tyrion’s brilliance. Theon is also there. Deadpan dismisses everyone but the Dowager Sasstress Olenna who tells her that all men are idiots, and if she wants to win, she just needs to “be a dragon.” Um. Tangibly, what does that entail? Is this her way of criticizing Tyrion’s plan? Could she have like, said something? Or is she just being some sour grapes?
Elsewhere on The Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension, the couple who we don’t understand being not the romantic focus this year, Grey Worm and Missandei, have meaningful, tasteful, sex. Then they never interact for the rest of the season, despite the reason for said sex being fear of losing one another. The end!
Speaking of endings, Jonny received a letter that Sam just remembered about the dragonglass on Dragonstone, which reminds Jonny that he had been told about the dragonglass on Dragonstone in Season 5. This makes us distressingly nostalgic for a time when there was at least a facade of logic.
This makes up Jonny’s mind for him: trap or no trap, he must go to Dragonstone himself to meet with the queen there, and ask for dragonglass. He informs literally everyone of this in the Great Hall, again not giving his sister forewarning. …Half-sister. The Wind-Vane Lords rabble rabble about this call, and Brittany again has to patiently point out the risks, especially given the last two (or three, kinda) times a Stark went south. She also points out that he could send an emissary, like kings do, but he refuses. Only a king can convince a queen to help. We’re pretty impressed. Not with what Jonny is saying, but that Brittany manages to hear it without thudding her head into the table below.
It’s all okay though, because he’s leaving her as the regent. Which he also springs on her in front of the entire audience. The Wind-Vane Lords seem chill with that. What amazing leadership.
Speaking of people who are amazingly good at their job, Littlefinger. We’re not even sure what his job technically is right now, but he at least still makes a buck or two by being Bryan Cogman’s part-time exposition mouthpiece. He finds Jonny in the crypts and after telling him about the delivery of Ned’s bones, launches into a touching speech about how much he is into Jonny’s female relatives. Jonny attacks him and slams him against a wall. You don’t touch his property!
Then Jonny leaves with like, three dudes. Brittany waves goodbye. We’re sure it’s going to be smooth sailing for her. Let’s hope there’s no horrifying family reunions coming down the pike.
Though Julie plans to cover in great detail the Pornish and Ironboor ship movements in a future retrospective, it is important to note that they get attacked by Eurovision Greyjoy, and they all die or get captured. Sucks to be Deadpan.
Worst Laid Plans
Deadpan may have just lost 35% of her allies, but she’s about to get a new one! That’s right, Jonny made it to The Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension, and takes his ONE kingly rowboat ashore.
Thankfully, there’s a welcome party to acclimate him to this beach resort business conference.
The first thing Jonny does is surrender all his weapons when Missandei asks him to. “Of course,” he answers her, almost apologetically. Dude, you’re a king. He and Tyrion are super folksy and happy to see each other. Tyrion makes sure to explain that he didn’t
tamper with his property have sex with Brittany, and Jonny is like, “I didn’t ask.” They then both marvel at how they got into the positions they’re in. A Lannister as a Hand to a Targaryen —completely unprecedented!
Jonny then also admits that the Wind-Vane Lords had misgivings about his trip. Tyrion agrees, saying he would have advised against it, too. Then Drogon dramatically divebombs the party.
Above the procession, Meli-sans-plot and Varys watch. Varys Marx doesn’t like Mel much, and keeps trying to stir up drama by basically threatening to tell Jonny that she is there. However, she’s just a shipper. She brought ice and fire together, so she’s done here. Time to jet off to Essos. She tells Varys Marx that she’ll be back for Season 8, and they’ll probably both die. Thrilling.
And boy do ice and fire have instantly crackling chemistry. Jonny is brought into Deadpan’s Throne Room, where her titles are listed. Davos is so hilariously folksy that he just goes, “This is Jon Snow. He’s King in the North.” Oh man, now Deadpan looks like an egotistical jerk! It’s not made better by the fact that she refers to Jonny as “Lord.” When Davos corrects her, she explains that she read the World of Ice and Fire and knows about Torrhen Stark kneeling.
What follows is then an entirely cyclical argument about whether Jonny kneeling is appropriate. The answer seems to be, “nah.” He doesn’t have time for kneeling with the Army of the Dead approaching! Davos nearly slips up and tells the room that Jonny was dead once, too.
The conversation ends with nothing decided. Also Jonny is kind of a prisoner, or at least in a state where he’s able to formally become one at any moment. Who could have seen that coming!?
Jonny: Am I your prisoner?
Deadpan: Not yet.
Also in the realm of “who could have seen that coming,” Varys arrives with news that the brilliant plan of splitting up Deadpan’s forces backfired.
Later outside, Jonny broods. Tyrion finds him and comments on his brooding, because he’s in the fandom and likes memes. He also tries to talk about the Greyjoy attack, but Jonny’s all upset that no one wanted to listen to him about dead people attacking. Then he realizes it might sound slightly outlandish. You don’t say! Tyrion politely gives him a lesson in governance, explaining that fighting the army of the dead was too big an ask. Jonny, slow on the uptake, takes that as an opportunity to talk about how he’s not learning from his father’s mistakes.
“Everyone told me to learn from my father’s mistakes. Don’t go south. Don’t answer a summons from the Mad King’s daughter, a foreign invader. And here I am, a Northern fool.”
Ignoring that Deadpan is not foreign, and it was his grandfather and uncle that rode south on Targaryen summons, Tyrion wisely points out that children are not their fathers. Definitely not Tyrion Lannister in any way. But also not Deadpan, who protects people from monsters, just like Jonny. So again, is there anything smaller he can ask that will help against these monsters? Perhaps the one thing that only a king could ask her for in the first place, according to Jonny Logic?
Tyrion then has to go give Deadpan a governance lesson. Since she could not give fewer than no craps when asked about the dragonglass, Tyrion explains that she should let the dumb-dumb dig in the rocks for a little, since it costs her nothing and she just lost some allies. Deadpan seems fine with that, but wants to know what was up with Davos saying he took a knife to the heart. Weird, right?
Emboldened by Tyrion’s wise words, Deadpan goes and chats with Jonny. They both have brothers. How many, they’re not entirely sure. Also, Deadpan says that people thought dragons were gone forever, but they’re not, so maybe assumptions about zombie armies are wrong too. Jonny realizes she’s only saying this because she spoke with Tyrion. They have another circular conversation about kneeling, but it ends this time with her letting him poke in the rocks for a bit (and even providing him with her own men to do so). Jonny wants to know if this means she believes him about zombies. She gives a noncommittal answer.
Also, we failed to note this, but apparently that scene was dripping with sexual tension. Just…somewhere in there…
Later, in the episode that will not f-cking end, Deadpan has another war council, since Euron’s ships could be “anywhere or in more than one place.” With this ambiguity, and the great loss she just suffered, she wants to go burn the ships with her dragons. Everyone jumps on this and points out how crazy it is, since she could get shot with an arrow on the back of the dragon.
Was this just like, not a concern during the Battle of Mereen? Did she have a close call we didn’t see? Are there no armorers on Dragonstone? Could she try spraying her body with the same heavy-duty stuff she sprays in her hair? Just our thoughts.
But no, they’re sticking with Tyrion’s dumb plan to sack Casterly Castle by sea. And it’s an attack by voice-over, as the brilliant Hand narrates his brilliant plan: they’re going to use his secret sex worker tunnels that he had built when his father erected the castle, apparently. Luckily, the Unsullied have lots of experience sneaking through sewers at this point. However, his voiceover failed to predict how cunning Larry Lannister was by pulling the Lannister troops out of Casterly Castle and running across the map to sack Highgarden off-screen.
The Dowager Sasstress sure was shocked. Then she wolfs down some poison Larry offers her while we watch with envy. Bye!
But it’s worse! Euron’s ships magically appeared at Casterly Castle to burn the Unsullied ships. Now they have to trek across Weisseroff to get home. It will probably take them all season. To, you know, walk to the island.
Dragons Change the Calculations
The next episode opens with poor Missandei worrying to Deadpan about whether or not her boyfriend survived Tyrion’s dumb plan. However, there’s no room for actual emotional resonance, so Deadpan high-fives her about getting laid instead.
Speaking of no room for actual emotional resonance, Jonny shows up and has something he needs Deadpan to see. He leads her into the caves where he’s mining dragonsglass on a poorly lit set, and proudly shows her his finger-painting project. Errr, we mean, it was totally the Children of the Forest’s project, and they conveniently drew their battle against the White Walkers that they fought alongside humans.
Deadpan is in awe of this and short of breath. Or else, she’s out of shape and/or turned on by Jonny. It mostly comes across as out of shape. Compelled by the way the Children and Men put aside their differences, she says she will fight alongside him…if he bends the knee. He’s pretty chill with it, but he thinks his Wind-Vane Lords won’t be. Dude, just get Lyanna on-board. Or speak last, aided by swelling music. They’re easy sells.
Deadpan asks him if everyone’s survival is more important than his pride. We suppose her pride is irrelevant?
Outside the Cave of Wonders, Deadpan receives even more war news. This time, she’s so pissed off about Casterly Castle that she doesn’t even care if Jonny and Davos overhear it. Everyone kind of shuffles around awkwardly.
Apparently, Cheryl took “all the food” from the Unsullied ships, and all the provisions at Casterly Castle were destroyed, so her Unsullied are in a pickle. Tyrion is still into his blockade plan for reasons we don’t understand. The Pornish and Ironboor who were supposed to be doing that blockade are now dead, and Cheryl just scored a bunch of food for her city, so who is exactly enforcing that and how?
For these reasons, or just impatience, Deadpan points out again that she has a dragon and could just kill Cheryl. Right now. Tyrion tells her it’s still bad optics. Then for absolutely no reason we can think of, Deadpan asks Jonny what he’d do. Maybe it’s because they’re in love already.
Jonny says that if she uses a dragon to attack the city, it’ll be “just more of the same.”
This gives Deadpan another idea, somehow.
An undisclosed amount of time later, Jonny and Davos are goin’ for a walk and talk. Davos tells Jonny that he’s been looking at Deadpan’s boobs. Jonny points out she’s wearing the thickest battle dresses known to man, but cool. Then he awkwardly words a question about how many men they have in the North so that Davos can correct his grammar. Callback!
The important takeaway here is that Davos thinks Jonny needs to get laid, and that it will make him less grumpy. Of course, it could also just be projecting, since he seems to then quasi-flirt with a very dignified and professional Missandei. She’s probably used to this, as tour guide of this business resort. She deflects by extremely inorganically talking about bastard naming conventions and how she used to be a slave.
The whole thing becomes uncomfortable, and reminds us of a North Korean tour guide talking about how wonderful the Dear Leader is. Deadpan is the best, you see, and would totally give Missandei a ship to go home if she didn’t want to be there. But she does. Because Deadpan is the best. She once played golf and got 18 holes-in-one. This is pretty convincing to Jonny, though. Deadpan protects people from monsters, just like him!
Theon Strayboy suddenly washes up on shore, and Jonny greets him, since that’s clearly his place now. Jonny says he would kill Theon on the spot if it hadn’t been for Brittany putting in a good word. Theon asks for Deadpan, but “the queen is gone.” Where is she?
Well, she’s burning the “loot train.” Meaning she takes her dragons and her Dothraki, teleports them to the mainland—all her ships burned, if you recall—and has them attack the Lannisters marching back to Cheryl’s Landing with gold and provisions. Oh good, she’s going to try and take the food back, right?
Oh, did we say gold? Nah, it’s already safely inside Cheryl’s Landing.
There’s a small moment of drama when Drogon gets hit with a big arrow from a big crossbow, but he recovers pretty easily. Then some idiot on a horse charges Deadpan, only to be saved at the buzzer by another idiot. Tyrion watches them from a hill and calls them “idiots” in case we missed the idiocy.
Well, it looks like dragons are a really effective thing to use in a military campaign! However Tyrion is bummed out about this, since there’s now a lot of burned corpses. If only they had been given the opportunity to starve to death in a besieged Cheryl’s Landing.
There were a few survivors, who oddly zombie-walk over to where Deadpan is standing with Drogon on a hill.
Luckily for them, Deadpan is not here to murder, as she explains on the battlefield of corpses. What she’s here to do is break the wheel and reform the world. Step 1: they need to swear allegiance to her as absolute monarch. Oh, and “refuse and die.” Which is somehow…not murder? They begin to bend the knee; then Drogon roars, terrifying them all to bend even quicker. Great optics! What a real choice they had!
Only Randyll “Wildling Hater” Tarly remains standing, because he already has a queen. “Oh, the one who murdered your other queen, Margaery?” Tyrion asks. There’s no easy choices, though. And he really hates “foreigners” like Deadpan. So Cheryl wins by default in his scale of honor.
Which, of course, is a good way of reminding us that honor gets you killed, as Deadpan points out to him.
“Will you not trade your honor for your life?”
Well not when you put it like that, ya dill weed.
Tyrion is suddenly distressed by the elimination of political enemies, and suggests allowing Randyll to take the Black. But Randyll, who is very determined to die at this point, disputes the legality of such an order. “Only a queen can send a lord to the Wall, and the Tarlys know no queen but the queen in the south, whose name is CHERYL!”
However, things get a little weird when his sonion Dickon also says he’s going to die with his dad. Randyll suddenly gets very upset, because apparently he had been hoping Dickon would kneel to Deadpan and keep his life, we guess. So what is the point of Randyll protesting?
Tyrion tries once more, suggesting that the Tarlys get taken prisoner. Who doesn’t love political prisoners? You can exchange them for money, and use that money to buy provisions for your slowly marching army. You could also force them to marry a relative. So many options! “I’m not here to put people in chains.” Uh. Is Deadpan seriously equating a prisoner to a slave? Also why couldn’t she just stick them in a nice tower somewhere? Or let them wander around her abandoned island like her current prisoner, Jonny. No chains needed!
But clearly with all options exhausted, Deadpan roasts the Tarly boys alive. Tyrion seems disturbed by this. D&D say the audience should make up their own minds about who’s right here.
Back on The Abandoned Island, Jonny is still standing on a cliff brooding. Deadpan swoops in on Drogon, who decides to say hi to the King in the North teeth-first. Jonny whips off a glove and puts it on the dragon’s nosey. Deadpan is so amazed, her face muscles move! Or maybe she just thinks from her vantage point that Drogon ate him.
Once she dismounts, Jonny asks her how it went, and also seems disturbed that this leader of an army who is trying to depose the current ruler has killed some opposing troops. Deadpan points out that he just killed a bunch of Boltons, like last week, so maybe he should chill with the judgement. Then she asks again about the whole “were you dead” thing. Jonny says Davos exaggerates. What a bold-faced lie! At least the inability to lie surely won’t become a defining character-feature at a crucial time for Jonny.
Speaking of bold faces, Jorah arrives with his magically free of greyscale. Good thing Sam figured out the magic powers of exfoliation. All things considered, Deadpan is rather casual about this improbable cure, even if the answer was just a good pumice stone.
Jonny introduces himself and mentions that Jorah’s father once existed, back when this show was reasonably watchable. Then Jorah and Deadpan hug. Jonny gets a poo-face, because he’s so jealous with all the love he developed in the past two episodes.
Elsewhere, D&D make up their minds about who was right in Deadpan’s previous decision. At least, we assume so because Tyrion and Varys Marx are sitting in front of the…Sedimentary Rock Throne, wringing their hands about all the warning signs around them that Deadpan is Aerys 2.0. Have they been hanging out on Westeros.org forums? We bet they get along with Arya pretty well.
Tyrion tries to absolve himself from guilt of this clearly heinous crime, while Varys says that’s exactly what he used to tell himself while serving Aerys. “It’s not me.” No Varys, you’re as pure as driven snow and would never cut the tongues out of children for your own purposes. Tyrion says that Deadpan isn’t her father, and Varys agrees…so long as she listens to her
men advisors. Specifically, Tyrion. Boy, it’s an even harder quest that Varys just set for him this time!
Varys then awkwardly holds up the scene transition. It’s a letter from Branbot 1000 to Jonny. Apparently Jonny thought he was dead, despite having been told by Sam that he wasn’t. And despite telling Deadpan that he lost two brothers rather than three, unless he also forgot about Rickon. Or Robb.
The letter explains that the Army of the Dead was coming. What brand new information! He decides he needs to jet off home and “fight with the men we have.” That went so well for you last time!
Actually, it did go well because he had a woman to bail his stupid ass out. We wonder if that will happen again…
Not so easily, because Deadpan can’t just come with him. Not only are there more possible stray arrows, but it would mean “giving the country” to Cheryl. Because she has oh so many strongholds to lose at this point. Hell, if she went North and made nice with Brittany, she could probably still work out something for Karhold.
We should note, this entire conversation is taking place with Jorah and Davos and Tyrion all around too. Upon hearing this dilemma, Tyrion gets the brilliant idea that if only Cheryl knew about the army of the dead in a way she couldn’t deny, then she’d totally agree to not “take the country” from Deadpan, who is clearly holding it in the first place. Then again, is Cheryl? Didn’t all those Lannister troops just die? We actually have no idea what the military situation is in any quantifiable or tangible way. Who the hell is ruling Porne right now?
But more about Tyrion’s wonderful plan: bring the dead to her! Damn, if only Jeor Mormont had thought to send someone down south with the hand Jonny cut off a wight in Season 1, maybe none of this would have happened.
However, everyone knows Cheryl is an unreasonable woman, unlike everyone on Team Deadpan. She’d never listen to Tyrion. But Larry might, and she might listen to Larry. So clearly what needs to happen is Davos smuggling Tyrion into Cheryl’s Landing to meet with Larry in a meeting that’s arranged telepathically via Bronn, and then Larry will pass this information along, and they can set up a wight moot, at which they can present Cheryl with a freshly captured wight.
But wait…who captures the wight? Jorah volunteers and Deadpan moves even more face muscles. Jonny then volunteers himself as a one-up, and because he’s the “only one who’s fought them and knows them.” Ouch, Beardy.
Deadpan balks at this, because she
wanted to bang clearly cares for him so deeply, but apparently he doesn’t need her permission, being a king. You see, it was really generous of him to march his face into yet another trap, and she should appreciate how willing he was to become her prisoner. She oddly seem to respect that. Let’s call it “growth.”
This officially kicks off Operation Gumbo. First stop, Cheryl’s Landing, with Davos and Tyrion in a rowboat. They park on a random shore. Rather than guard the boat, Davos says that he has gumbo-related business of his own. “What if someone takes the boat?” Tyrion asks. “Then we’re f-cked,” Davos quite literally says. Okay! It’s not like the fate of humanity hinges on this. No seriously, it’s not like that.
Luckily for Tyrion, Bronn is a true bro to all Lannister men, and arranges the secret meeting. Larry gets very mad when he realizes he was lured into a room with Tyrion, but Tyrion has his hat in his hands and no reason at all to be upset with Larry himself.
Nope, we’re still not over it.
Tyrion attempts lame smalltalk about the nonsensical military strategy that has become all of Season 7, but Larry isn’t interested since Tyrion did kill their father. “What do you want?” If only we knew. Tyrion then points out that Deadpan is going to win. Like it’s so obvious, and she can have Drogon munch up Cheryl in one surgical strike at any minute. You know, if not for the optics. But Deadpan may be willing to “suspend hostilities” because of a “more important request.” The scene cuts before Larry reacts at all.
We must be going to something very important to have not seen the conclusion of that conversation. And important it is! Davos wanders to the same exact armor shop Gendry worked in during Season 1 to…find Gendry there again!
Okay, pause. 1.) Gendry? 2.) Why would the blacksmith have even taken him back? Wasn’t his life threatened? 3.) Gendry? Just..why? He really wanted his old life back? The danger had all been imagined? Cheryl lost interest in Robert-bastards?
As it turns out, Davos is a huge Game of Thrones fan, and loves the Gendry rowing meme. That’s why he came back to find him! Gendry, meanwhile, has embraced the fact that he’s Robert Baratheon’s illegitimate son, because who wouldn’t have wanted that guy as a father, especially given how present he was in Gendry’s life. He even made himself a warhammer, just like Pa! The antlers helm is on-deck, we guess.
Davos then asks Gendry if he wants to go on an adventure. Gendry up and Bilbo’s.
And that takes us to the most crucial scene of this whole plotline, packed with meaning and narrative necessity.
Gendry and Davos are waiting at the boat for Tyrion, but oh no! It’s two members (and only two) of the City Watch. How will they get out of this pickle?
Well, speaking of fermentation, the answer to that is a giant open basket of pickled crab meat that Davos had hidden under a blanket, presumably for this exact situation since it’s such a great cover story. You see, there’s been no mention of brothels for about five minutes, so this was the perfect place. Davos tells the idiots that he’s selling fermented crab meat, as it gives people instant boners. He offers a sample and then tells them they’re going to bust through their metal pants in about five minutes. He also bribes them or whatever. Inflation sucks.
Just as they turn to go off and get their erections that totally happen from fermented seafood, Tyrion turns up. Oh no, he’s the most recognizable dwarf in the world! Literally! Especially with his giant facial scar. So of course he sighs and walks straight at them, passing by several bushes he could have at least ducked behind or something. They spot him in the wide-open. Gendry kills them with his hammer. End scene.
We need more Gendry, so the next scene is Davos preparing him for who he’s going to encounter on the Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension. He says he must not tell anyone who he is. Gendry then meets Jon and immediately introduces himself as his dad’s best friend’s son. And they’re both bastards! What a world! Jon invites him north, because he is some SPICE for this gumbo.
Then we get a lovely, drawn-out, “preparing to leave sequence” where we can feel ourselves aging. Jorah gets a significant goodbye with Tyrion, where the reminisce about that time they were slaves for five minutes. Tyrion even kept a souvenir coin of Significance™, which he gives to Jorah for luck! Now it’s time to say goodbye to Deadpan. “Well Your Highness, I guess this is it,” he tells her. “That’s right,” she answers, shockingly moving her face. Then they point out that they have said goodbye to each other a number of times, usually in the context of “get your creepy stalker butt out of here.” Awww. Jonny watches with poo face.
Then Jonny says goodbye, and the sexual chemistry is off the charts. We will be devastated if they never see each other again. Gosh this gives us buy-in to this mission.
Some amount of time later—long enough for the King in the North to breeze past the North—the gumbo roux arrives to meet their proteins at Eastwatch. Interestingly this naval base of the Night’s Watch doesn’t have a harbor. Weird stuff.
Beardy greets them, and gets mad at Davos for not talking Jonny out of this obviously terrible plan. But mostly for not bringing Brienne because he likes her. We’re in stitches.
Davos then tells everyone he can’t go out there with them, because he aged, or he has 4 shortened fingers, or something. Why did he come then?
But hey, in his free time, Beardy has been imprisoning travelers to Eastwatch, since The Night’s Watch has a zero-tolerance policy for…people. He leads Jonny to a cell where Sandor and the Brotherhood
without Banners with Vague Continuity are locked up. They play this very silly game where they find out that everyone knows each other already. Jonny recognizes Sandor from Winterhell. Gendry recognizes the Brotherhood who sold him into slavery. Jorah recognizes Thoros from the Greyjoy rebellion (where Larry led the charge). Tormund hears the name “Mormont” and recognizes that Jorah is the son of the guy who led the Night’s Watch. Beric sits back and is all like, “OMG, what are the odds, guys?”
So they all jump in a soup pot together and form the dramatically satisfying character gumbo that sets out beyond The Wall. With no hats.
Vincent Expendable’s Very Long Day
Oh god, how do we even talk about this?
The gumbo elements break off into various pairs, or sometimes small groups, and talk. In the background are about 5 men that we’ve never seen before and who aren’t addressed in any way, who silently lug around the junk of the characters we recognize. There. We saved you 50 minutes.
No, seriously, this is what happens:
- Jonny asks Gendry if he’s okay because he’s the only member of the party with a hood on
- Beardy laughs at Gendry for being cold and wanting to wear a hat. Then he calls him “dumb” to Jonny
- Beardy and Jonny talk about how Jonny won’t kneel to Deadpan because he had a taste for the free folk lifestyle, but also Mance was a terrible king for not kneeling (?)
- The Brotherhood With Vague Continuity can’t understand why Gendry doesn’t just put it behind him that they sold him to a crazy lady who sexually assaulted and tried to kill him
- Sandor tells Gendry he’s “whinging” for being upset about his sexual assault
- Jonny and Jorah talk about how honorable Jeor was, Jonny offers Jorah Longclaw for some reason, and Jorah rejects it while also giving Jonny permission to have sex with Deadpan
Then we cut to another plotline only to come back to:
- Beardy and Sandor talk about gingers, synonyms for schlongs, and #nohomo
- Beric and Jonny talk about both having been dead. Jonny quotes his Night’s Watch vows that he gave up on
Then they arrive at Mt. Arrowhead, the mountain fire-reader Sandor saw in the flames as being the place where the army of the dead is. Don’t worry, we’ll have a 10k word analysis on the intense meaning of that development in our final retrospective.
Back on the Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension, Deadpan and Tyrion are getting day-drunk. Deadpan talks about how she likes that Tyrion isn’t a hero, because bravery, like honor, is for dumb-dumbs. Tyrion tells her Jonny is in love with her because he stares at her boobs. Deadpan says he’s too short. Deadpan, that’s quite insensitive.
Then they talk about Wight Moot strategy. You see, Deadpan needs to break that wheel, so they’re going to show up with their full army so that if she is killed, then Cheryl’s Landing burns. They’re expecting Cheryl to be super deceitful, but they will be morally upright, because that’s how they break that wheel. Also, two armies and three dragons. And honor!
Deadpan kind of calls bull on all of this, pointing out that all war is inherently violent, but Tyrion did promise both Larry and Varys to restrain this hysterical woman, so he scolds her for losing her temper with Tarly. “That was not impulsive. That was necessary,” she tells him. Yet he continues to explain to her about her ~vision~ and how she must preserve it in the manner of a father explaining to his five-year-old why she shouldn’t throw plates at Denny’s.
“You need to take your enemy’s side if you’re going to see things the way they do. And you need to see things the way they do if you’re going to anticipate their actions, respond effectively, and beat them. Which I want you to do very much. Because I believe in you and the world you want to build. But the world you want to build doesn’t get built all at once.”
Then he mentions the line of succession…
…and how as a hereditary monarch (or Dictator of the Proletariat?), she needs to think about who she wants to follow her. Deadpan gets weirdly paranoid and says he’s planning to replace her. Tyrion defends it by saying he’s thinking about the long-term, but she points out that his fakakta plan cost them everything, so maybe he needs to think about the short-term.
Speaking of short-term, we’re back for even more with the gumbo.
- Now they’re in a blizzard
- Look! A wight bear! Gendry sees its eyes from like 200 meters away
- A bear! A bear! All white and wight and covered in hair! It takes absolutely forever. It kills one of the extras schlepping the sled.
- Beric lights it on fire, and Sandor is scared, so Thoros saves him. Jorah finishes it with a dagger smaller than the one Tyene used on Hotah. It must be DRAGONGLASS from DRAGONSTONE!
- Thoros’s wounds get cauterized
- Jorah asks Thoros how drunk he was during the breach on Pyke. Blackout, apparently.
- Tormund spies one White Walker leading a field trip of wights, which FINALLY brings us to the point of this damn excursion.
That’s right, the plot arrived in the form of Skyr! Why are we calling a White Walker Icelandic yogurt?
Moving on, Skyr is the best troop leader. He even makes sure that all his wights have little hats. For anyone totally lost, it’s literally a White Walker with a single-file row of dutiful wights. The Gumbo Goobers spot them and figure this is their best chance to snipe a wight. Thus Operation Stick a Bag on a Wight begins.
It’s a fight, and it takes about four seconds. Jonny kills Skyr really quickly with Longclaw, and every single wight but one crumble into non-existence, much like our engagement in this episode. Apparently it’s because he personally resurrected all the wights but that one. Then it takes the entire gumbo party to shove the wight into a bag. It screams, and its scream may have summoned the entire Army of the Dead. That, or another White Walker noticed that one of their wights, who had been raised by Skyr, randomly collapsed.
Therefore, a storm suddenly comes over Mount Arrowhead, and it’s time to run like hell. Why Skyr didn’t have a mini-storm following him is anyone’s guess, but maybe they need to all combine their rings of power or something.
It suddenly dawns on the soup pot that they can’t outrun this army, especially not with a bagged and struggling wight. So Jonny orders Gendry to run really, really fast back to Eastwatch so that he can send a raven to Deadpan and tell her what’s happened. Beardy even takes his hammer away so he can run faster. Why Gendry? Because he’s the fastest runner, duh.
Gendry runs in one direction, and the rest of the gumbo gang runs in the other, dragging the wight. They magically come across the Plot Convenience Pond, which has only been recently and superficially frozen, despite them being in the very far north. In winter. Team Gumbo makes it to the island in the middle of Plot Convenience Pond, but the ice breaks behind them. As we all know, this is an impenetrable barrier to the dead zombies, who not only can’t swim, but can’t even think to make some kind of weird skeletal bridge. So they just stare at Team Gumbo.
Shogun is also there, but lacking any kind of ranged projectile, stares as well.
Elsewhere, Gendry is booking it. In fact, it’s barely dusk when he trips and falls right in front of Eastwatch. We suppose all that walking and talking took place within four hours. Davos greets him, and thank god for Shireen’s School of Conveniently Placed Illiterates, since that letter can now be written.
It’s morning at the ~Plot Convenience Pond~. Thoros died, but only Thoros, because everyone else is immune to hypothermia, despite their lack of hats. We don’t know, shouldn’t Jorah have at least lost an ear or something? Sandor takes Thoros’s booze. Beric lights his sword and burns Thoros. If only he had lit a fire earlier to keep his friend warm. He also tells Jonny that if he wants to end the war, he just needs to kill Shogun, and then the whole Army of the Dead would collapse. Why he knows this with certainty is beyond us.
At the Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension, Deadpan gets improbably possible mail from a raven that arrived via wormhole. Tyrion tries to tell her that she can’t go save her boyfriend, because if she dies, everyone’s lost. No one can break the wheel like her. However, she’s done listening. Us too.
Back North, Sandor decides that he is very, very mad at the Army of the Dead. Or maybe he’s just drunk on Thoros’s booze. Or maybe he’s starting to suspect their ride isn’t going to show up. Either way, he decides to fling rocks at the zombies. One of his throws is short and skittles on the ice. THE ICE!!!
The zombies are smart enough to realize that the rock scooting on ice means the water refroze and they can advance. But they were not smart enough to realize that it clearly would have refrozen by now, and maybe someone should have been testing this the whole time. Whatever, they just all rush towards the Team Gumbo. Beric turns on his lightsaber.
They fight, and they fight. Since this is a character-driven battle, Sandor has a specific rivalry with the one wight he threw a rock at. Apparently he’s a “dumb cunt.” Jorah saves Jonny at some point, but there’s so much shaky cam that we can barely keep our cookies in as another spare dies. “Fall back!” Jonny says. To what? They are surrounded!
Apparently it’s falling back to the weird Pride Rock-shaped thing that’s right there. Tormund almost dramatically dies, and there’s an entire group effort to save him. Also, the wight in the bag is being passed around. Then Vincent Expandable horrifically dies and gets dramatic music.
But wait, on first light of the
fifth first day (literally), they look to the east. It’s Deadpan! She arrives jussssst as the wights…climb the hill they were on. She’s able to immediately burn the wights near them, and most of Team Gumbo gets on Drogon’s back with her. Jonny, however, gets super distracted by one single wight that almost definitely can’t climb the dragon, so he just wanders off.
Meanwhile, Shogun acquired some ranged projectiles, and throws one of his javelins at Viserion. Not Drogon and the entire party on his back, but Viserion. The dragon gets hit, and his death is super sad even though we don’t know anything about this one and heard his name a grand total of once, maybe. The battle pauses so we can watch the main characters be sad too.
Then Jonny, who is now separated by a good bit, realizes that Shogun is teeing up to throw yet another javelin. He yells in a panic that these fools need to fly, before falling into some cracked ice and going down into water. Oh no, is this the end of our hero?
Well, Shogun, being horribly genre unsavvy, assumes as much, so in less time than it takes for a grown man in full layers of fur, leather, and chainmail to drown in a frozen lake, he turns the Army of the Dead around and they high-tail it away. Not to bury the lede here, but yeah, Jonny survives and drags his stupid, wet butt out. Some of the retreating wights spot him and look vaguely interested. However, fear not…he’s saved at the buzzer by none other than Uncle Benjen Coldhands!
Pause. We’re just curious: anyone who didn’t watch Season 7…do you think we’re making stuff up right now? Or like, exaggerating? Because we have watched this more times than we’d care to admit at this point, and even we still can’t believe what this is. Let us know in the comments below! And while chatting like this, have you heard about our Fandomentals+ subscription service? For less than the price of one latte at Peet’s a month, you can gain access to editor exclusive essays, hang-out sessions, and podcasts, while also getting a discount on our store items. Fandomentals+…For highly engaged readers like you! (No, actually.)
Anyway, Benjen Coldhands gives Jonny his horse and heroically sacrifices himself for reasons. We guess maybe it bought Jonny time to get away, because the entire Army of the Dead was so distracted by the mostly-dead dude.
Back at Eastwatch and the boats, Beardy and Sandor headnod at each other. Beric decides he’s going to stay with Beardy, because his top-knot friend is gone now. He tells Sandor they’ll meet again though. Thank the gods.
Drogon and Rhaegal circle around the air sadly, because their bro is gone. Deadpan is watching sadly, because Jonny Snow is gone. Jorah says they should go, but jusssst as she turns around she hears the horn. One blast for rangers returning. Be still, our hearts.
Yeah, it’s Jonny, and we cut to him getting stripped naked and put under furs on the boat. Deadpan spies his multiple stab wounds. Or maybe she’s just impressed by his glamor muscles. Or that a near-corpse is clearly flexing.
Somewhere during what must be a five-minute boat journey given how fast it took the raven to make the same flight, Jonny wakes up and apologizes to Deadpan for Viserion dying. She tells him it was worth it so that she could understand the true threat now. Then she tells Jonny that the dragons are the only kids she’ll ever have. So you know, they don’t need to worry about birth control or anything. Winkety wink.
Deadpan also says she’ll side with Jonny in his monster hunt. “Thank you, Dany,” he answers. She points out that no one has called her that since her brother in Season 1, so…is he enjoying The Wars to Come rewatch project on TheFandomentals.com too?
Then, out of nowhere, he says he’ll bend the knee. Like, not now now, since he’s still half-dead, but later. The Wind-Vane Lords will “come to see you for what you are.” A barely emotive, inconsistently written wig that vacillates between progressive socialism and paranoid autocracy? They hold hands.
Remember when Shogun turned the Army of the Dead away from Jonny because there were important Army of the Dead things to do? Well, apparently that was to go to the spot where Viserion fell. You know, like 20 feet away. Or maybe they had to go back to White Walkerville and get the largest chains anyone has ever seen, as well as some SCUBA gear, because as we all know: wights can’t swim.
So wights swim down and wrap these giant chains around Viserion’s underwater corpse. Then a bunch of other wights pull said chains, and drag his skeleton out. Shogun touches him, and he rises with blue eyes. Neat!
Oh Détente, Oui Détente, Zats what Everybody Wants!
Speaking of neat, all our heroes and their supporting forces magically arrive at Cheryl’s Landing at the exact same time, on the exact same day. We assume this was the plan, but how the Dothraki timed it so perfectly with Lady Brienne is beyond us.
Side note #4526: if this meeting hadn’t been called, where were the Unsullied marching? To all those ships Deadpan has to ferry them back to the island? To all those Deadpan holdings that Cheryl will soon take back should this détente somehow fail?
Doesn’t matter. Also not mattering for our purposes are Larry and Bronn talking about schlongs. Much more important is the fact that Tyrion, Jonny, Jorah, Missandei, and Sandor are all on a boat. Jonny doesn’t like cities: who wants the worry? The noise? The dirt, the heat? Who wants the garbage cans clanging in the street?
According to Tyrion, the sex workers are better. But what about what they say about Northern girls?! Also, their population figures are highly suspect. As is the way they transported the zombie: in a wooden box that Sandor checks on lovingly. Still making that really annoying scream sound effect, all good!
This very important party consisting of a king, a Hand, and crucial advisors, is met in the middle of an abandoned, poorly kempt country road by about twenty dudes. But one of them is Bronn, so that counts for at least another fifty. And oh look: Brienne and Pod made it around Moat Cailin to be there! Again! No one questions this or asks where Sansa is. We suppose more than an acting Wardeness can talk to a queen.
History-nerd Missandei wants to know about the dragon pit, where they’re all supposed to meet. Luckily Jorah is here, with all his talent in expositing at women. To be fair, Tyrion does join in too. They tell her how once the Targaryen dragons were locked in the dragon pit, they started to get smaller and smaller. Very good, D&D, you watched Season 1. We get it. If only they had also read The World of Ice and Fire so we could have gotten the anecdote about the townsfolk killing half the dragons that one time.
But guys, hold onto your hats, because it is time for YET ANOTHER WALK AND TALK! Everyone, pair off!
First up is Pod and Tyrion with a touching reunion. Bronn jumps in to mention Pod’s “magic cock.”
Next is Sandor and a Lannister guard. The Lannister guard tries to be mildly sociable and asks what’s moving inside that box and making weird sound effects. Sandor tells him, “F-ck off.” We’re just glad Ed Sheeran didn’t draw straws for that shift!
Next is Sandor and Brienne. They both knew Arya. She’s alive. Haha they fought. Good times.
Then we get to Bronn and Tyrion’s walk and talk of significance. To be fair, they do have their telepathic connection—excellent for arranging meetings. Maybe that’s how they know what day to schedule this one on. Bronn insists that he’s totally a mercenary with no emotional attachment to anyone. Especially not that beautiful Larry he’s been serving for so long.
We need to mention that this scene is paced exactly the same way we would choose to portray purgatory.
Finally, Sandor finishes off his meaningful relationship with the Lannister guard by threatening to kill him if he touches the box. Sometimes, being a Lannister guard is just no fun at all.
Then we get to the pit scene, and have a minor meltdown because how many times are we going to have to watch this?
No, seriously, click here, scroll to the subheading “Possible Alliances and Impossible Break-ups,” and that right there is half of this endless episode.
Though we should note, we brought our stopwatches this time, so here’s our insightful notes:
After the solid minute of Tyrion and his buds walking to their chairs, there’s 20 seconds of silence before Sandor calls everyone “cunts.” Then there’s another solid minute of everyone walking to chairs once Cheryl’s people arrive. After they stare at each other for an inordinate amount of time, Sandor decides it’s a great idea to walk up to his brother and yell his pitiful scrap of a character arc in his face. He’s gonna get that revenge.
Cheryl is upset that Deadpan is late, and after 15 seconds of silence that is apparently a tension-filled love triangle stare, Deadpan arrives on two dragons. Cheryl is annoyed at the theatricality. Drogon lands, 45 seconds pass, and Drogon takes off. Then the next 30 seconds are spent with Cheryl telling Deadpan that she was late, and Deadpan nodding at Tyrion.
For anyone who didn’t click back to Cherry Bomb (how dare you!), the mile-high recap is:
- Euron the hooligan tells Theon he has Yara
- Tyrion gives a humble opening monologue about how they’re all enemies…awkward!
- Cheryl refuses to “pull back my armies and stand down” from all the places that she totally controls
- The wight in the box is brought out. This takes a literal minute for Sandor to walk up the stairs and open it.
- The wight lunges at Cheryl, and she’s scared. Or is she? Scared in the scripts, but not later in the scripts, so…
- Euron says he’s scared and wants to go back to his islands. Cheryl is “taken aback” in the script. But then not taken aback later in the script.
- For some reason this doesn’t prompt Deadpan to just immediately leave because “lol the war is decided” seeing as Cheryl is out of allies now
- Cheryl says she’ll agree to the terms if Jonny doesn’t take a side after the monster hunt
- Jonny cannot tell a lie and says he already kneeled to Deadpan. Cheryl storms out. Brienne yells at Larry that he should “f-ck loyalty” as he leaves too.
And that’s where we pick-up in this retrospective, with all of Team Sexual Tension telling Jonny that they’re done for, because he wouldn’t lie. Just like poor ol’ dumb Ned.
This is our fourth time watching this stupid scene, and we still can’t figure out why they think they’re all “f-cked” to the point of repeating it about 6 or 7 times. The Lannisters have literally no troops left. The Ironborn, to their knowledge, just ran off with the last bit of…anything. We don’t know what Deadpan is supposed to be “holding” that she’s scared of losing, other than the Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension that the Lannisters never bothered to take for four years, and we don’t know where Cheryl is supposed to be pulling back from, or even what she’d be pulling back. As far as we can tell, she only controls Cheryl’s Landing. And maybe the now-ransacked Highgarden. They don’t need her for anything.
But Tyrion, because he’s super brave, and perfect, and where would we be without him, offers to go into the Lion’s den, and speak to Cheryl who is clearly a murderous, insane person. We mean, she is, but not especially more so than anyone else in this stupid story.
So of course, Tyrion walks down a hallway for another literal minute, and then bonds with Larry about how Cheryl is a murderous, insane woman and they’re both idiots.
Inside Cheryl’s office, Tyrion tries to change his sister’s mind or something. She yells about how he’s destroyed their family, he yells that she should kill him and Tywin sucked eggs.
There’s lots of emotion, and Cheryl makes a fair point about how Deadpan seems to be a murderous, insane person too. But don’t worry, she’s kept in check by listening to Tyrion. That’s, and we quote, “what the difference is between [them].”
During this, Cheryl folds her hands across her stomach, and Tyrion notices the barely perceptible movement of Cheryl’s bottom hand over her belly. She’s pregnant! This changes everything!
Then, off-screen, the ~convincing~ happens.
Meanwhile in the pit, everyone is still piling on Jonny for being an absolute idiot. Jonny’s all sullen.
“No one is less happy about this than I am.”
Deadpan at least respects him for telling the truth, and then they flirt(?) by talking about the bones of dragons that are just unceremoniously scattered on the ground. Didn’t these used to line the throne room? Aren’t they super-duper valuable?
Deadpan tries to talk about the pitiful scraps of a theme in her arc to Jonny. You see, the dragons being in the dragonpit was bad for the dragons, because they were denying who they were. Without dragons, the Targaryens were just like everyone else. Not her, though. She’s going to break the wheel.
Jonny flunked eighth grade, probably, so he just gapes open-mouthed, and only manages to latch onto the thing she says about being the last Targaryen. “You’re still here.” She tells him “the witch who murdered her husband” told her she’s infertile, and footage not found. Unless this is booksnob!Deadpan. Though Jonny, for once in his life, makes a good point: maybe that wasn’t a credible source of medical advice. Deadpan tells herself off for not trusting him from the beginning about the dead people, because that would have changed so much. Look at them now—all that hope, dashed without Cheryl’s massive troops.
Or are they? Tyrion returns, expressionless and alone. Cheryl enters behind him, and Julia breaks and runs because her dress has a farthingale and it’s just too much for her. However, Cheryl then not only agrees to the détente, but is pledging her own troops to join them up North. She just hopes they remember this act of kindness. Well, they’ll probably remember this promise, if nothing else.
Then she heel-turns and heads back inside, because that’s how you say goodbye to allies, and everyone looks at Tyrion. He meets their gaze with a subtle expression: Tyrion Lannister, motherf-ckers.
One worst-worst-worst motives game later, Jonny and Deadpan have already warped back to the Abandoned Island of Sexual Tension. They have a war to plan. First and most important decision, how will Deadpan travel North? Will it be on a dragon? Over land? Will it be on a sex boat? So many options, that this is very worth discussing.
They land on sex boat, because Jonny tells her it sends a better message. Like they’re equals, even though he kneeled to her. Jorah nods in deference, but he’s not smiling at all. F-cking punkass little shitburger stole his khaleesi.
Then Deadpan looks back to the map, and we quote, “in a shot reminiscent of the end of episode 701.” Yes, “no plot or character progression” was a very good theme in this season. Well spotted, D&D.
Before Jonny can have boat sex, Theon comes up to discuss the implications of his pitiful scraps of an arc. We shall detail this at a time TBD in a retrospective, entitled “what the hell are we still doing here?”.
Then, at last, one confusing trial later, it is time for the amazingly built-up boat sex. And that’s it. Jon and Deadpan have sexual intercourse on a boat. Tyrion stands outside of their room listening to them and “looking troubled for more reasons than one.” One of those reasons is apparently his love for Deadpan, and the other is…what? A really strong political alliance is forming?
Elsewhere, a voiceover discusses Jon’s lineage and claim to the Iron Throne, which really only makes this an even better political alliance, but whatever. We’re sure it won’t matter when the wheel is broken. When have your auntie and nephew pairing ever?
Finally, at Eastwatch, Beardy tells Beric he’s scared of heights. At least this isn’t another joke about wanting to bang Brienne or something. Then the Army of the Dead shows up. Shogun is bouncing up and down on the resurrected or zombified (it’s so unclear) Viserion. He breathes some hot blue fire at The Wall and melts it, possibly killing Beardy and Beric. So sad.
That 7-year-old Umber better watch out! His castle is first!
With that, the plotline ends. While I’m sure you’re as on shpilkes as we are for Season 8, we first need to dive into the meaning of all of this. We’ll see you in part 2!
Images courtesy of HBO
Batwoman and She-Ra Are Why I’m Single: 7 Reasons Why
Hey folks, it’s me, Dan. The writer of the piece. Please don’t assume anything up there is my opinion, or the opinion of anyone at the Fandomentals. I just wanted to emulate the head space of someone who spends their time whining about children’s cartoons or comic book TV. It was not fun. If you agree with any arguments here…please go outside. Call your mom. Take a shower.
It’s difficult to be a straight white man in the world today. Half the men are gay, all the women are lesbians, and despite how low the white male representation in Congress has gotten (only 65%!) people still refuse to believe that white men are oppressed. And the SJWs continue to spread their lies with a reboot of She-Ra and an all new adaptation of Batwoman. Not only are these new shows doubling down on pandering to silly things like women or lesbians, they are also actively contributing to why I can’t get laid.
1. New She-Ra Isn’t As Hot As The Naked Barbarians Above My Bed, Which Are Very Cool
God, look how ugly she is. No low cut neckline, undefined thighs, no makeup. The new She-Ra is everything I hate about the SJW agenda. They want to take proud, sexy females and make them boys. If only she still looked like the tastefully nude girls in my Frazetta and Vallejo prints: buff, busty, and wrapped around a strong man’s legs. But because the SJWs have poisoned women my age, like my ex-girlfriend Lauren, they see these works of art as “exploitative” and “pornographic.” If only they didn’t fear their own bodies, they’d understand why I keep these posters up so I may “appreciate” them whenever I want.
2. Batwoman Is A Lesbian Like The Ones Who Keep Rejecting Me
The constant deluge of LGBT pandering has come to a head at The CW. It seems like every hot girl on the CW is a lesbian now, just like the ones I meet when I go out. Putting yet another “lesbian” on screen is just going to embolden all those women to keep lying to me when I try to buy them a drink. It doesn’t even teach them to be fun lesbians, the kind that have three ways with their best friend and boyfriend. That happens all the time, Lauren, you’re just a prude.
3. Noelle Stevenson, a 4/10 At Best, Is Spiting Me Like My Ex, Lauren
There’s only one possible explanation for why showrunner Noelle Stevenson would want to send her unsexy message to children: spite. Just like when my ex-girlfriend, Lauren, started hanging out with her work friends instead of coming home to watch Ben Shapiro videos with me, Noelle is hell bent on inflicting her vengeance on the world for seemingly slighting her. There’s nothing wrong with cartoons being sexy, Noelle, and there’s nothing wrong with missing date night for a DoTa tournament.
4. Batwoman Isn’t Hot Like The Lesbians In My Videos You Found, Lauren
Like any virile male, I have an appreciation for Sapphic love. It’s really the most delicate and sensual of the pornographic arts. And yes, I happen to have cultivated quite the collection of films featuring such delicate lady loving. It’s perfectly natural, Lauren. But Batwoman lacks the style and grace of your Mia Malkovas or Riley Reids. She has short, mannish hair (when not wearing that gross wig), unfeminine short fingernails, and she’s way too buff to be attractive.
5. Bow Gave Women Like Lauren Impossible Expectations For Male Beauty
This is a problem I’ve had with She-Ra since I’d occasionally see it when my sister had the TV and I went to play with my He-Man figures. Men like Bow taught all the women my age that men had to be in shape, well groomed, and in a color coordinated outfit to be attractive. Despite all the inner beauty that some men have, the women they try to date cannot look past their preconceived biases. So yeah, maybe I don’t go to the gym as much as Bow probably does, but Bow doesn’t have over 6,000 Reddit karma, Lauren.
6. Glimmer Tells Girls It’s Ok To Be Fat And Ugly Like My Ex, Lauren
Glimmer used to be so hot. But now look what they’ve done to her. She’s lost all shape and become just another fat SJW icon like Rose Tico. Plus, she’s going to be be a role model for the girls watching this. They’ll grow up assuming that it’s somehow ok to have weird colored hair, to not take pride in their appearance, to dress like a frump. Women need to take care of themselves like Lauren did when we first met. She was so beautiful.
7. Lauren, If You’re Reading This, Please Call Me. I’m So Alone
I’ve been living out of boxes in Jack’s apartment since you kicked me out. I miss our bed and kitchen. I even miss your cats. Lauren please, I need to get back with you. I’m so empty. I keep calling and you don’t answer. I’ll stop watching children’s cartoons all the time, I’ll get a job, I’ll stay off Reddit. Please take me back.