Sunday, June 23, 2024

A Definitive Ranking of The Last Jedi Bathroom Breaks

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A new Star Wars is upon us, and The Last Jedi is sure shaping up to be one of the most polarizing films yet. For this reason, there’s much to dig into. Did it accidentally become a more successful Rogue One? Was the expansion of force powers too much? Should Rey and Kylo have taken less of the center stage? Where can the series possibly go from here? Is Finn accidentally everyone’s love interest?

Whether you adored it or were left cold, one thing can be universally agreed upon—its runtime is 2.5 hours. It’s also highly popular, if box office numbers are anything to go by. Therefore, once again we will probably be schlepping back to the theaters two or three more times for our own rewatches, along with the trips to keep less zealous family members company on their own first viewings. This means that it’s time for the most important analysis possible: when is the proper time to go to the bathroom?

This was a service I provided for The Force Awakens (ahhh, the Rathtar sequence, oh and TFA from here on out) and I am happy to have returned, small bladder and all, to tell you which scene is most ideal to make a run for it without missing too much. Or which scenes to tell your somewhat disinterested sister is a safe bet after she spent the trailers chugging 32 ounces of Cherry Coke. I have carefully chosen the scenes in the middle of the movie, as anything that comes after this is officially in “just hold it” territory.

There will be full movie spoilers, so if you’re planning on going to the bathroom and remaining unaware of the events then, well…you’re shit out of luck! Eh? Ehh? I’ll see myself out. Or maybe you can, during one of these scenes, from most ideal to least.

Finn/Rose/Code breaker-guy heading towards the Star Destroyer

I want to start by saying that you probably shouldn’t pee during this movie. This is the most “extraneous” scene I can think of, and there’s nothing extraneous about it. I know because it’s the one I peed during, and I wish I hadn’t. My guess is it provided just an extra bit of characterization for Rose and/or the code-breaker (who I learned is called “DJ” after the fact), and that’s something that would have made his final scene more impactful. I hope.

Also it’s hideously short. This is why you shouldn’t choose this scene, even though it is the best scene to choose.

Seriously if someone could tell me what happened, that’d be appreciated.

Space Horses

On the surface, the Space Horse chase seems like the best option. After all, it’s pretty obvious Rose and Finn will get out of this situation, and it’s set-up as some CGI spectacle. It’s also at an hour and ten into the movie, which is just about the halfway point of your entire viewing experience.

Let me be clear: I do not recommend peeing during this scene. I’m not even one for CGI spectacle, and I have to say I was glad to watch every minute of this. The visuals are stunning, and Rose’s enjoyment was contagious. Yes, you could easily make it to the bathroom and back. Just don’t. Don’t.

Rey on the Millennium Falcon

This is probably a fine option to duck out during, because I can’t remember much about it past a joke with Chewie. But it’s a good joke, and it showcases Rey’s determination well. Look, you’re eating popcorn aren’t you? Maybe that salt can help suck up some of the moisture.

It’s a Heist!

Rose and Finn and BB-8 are disguised as First Order people! The only reason this is even on the list is because it’s really your last chance to go to the bathroom before the climax of the movie arrives. Seriously, it’s Rey and Snoke on-deck, so empty that bladder while you can.

Except don’t. I mean, isn’t this the fun hijinks that people want from Star Wars films? It’s like the rescue mission from A New Hope but with the entire Resistance at stake versus one princess Luke thought was hot. Maybe the conclusion is forgone, and maybe the very first scene of this doesn’t add a ton in and of itself, but come on. Don’t leave the theater.

Rey/Kylo Connect #2: “monster”

Look, there’s about three or four scenes of Rey and Kylo mind-connecting with one another. You shouldn’t pee during any of them. But if you have to, this would be the one to do it during. It’s not the first establishment of their relationship, and it consists of Rey calling Kylo a “monster” (which after TFA…any of us would do?) and him responding by telling her to ask Luke “what happened.” Nothing would be particularly lost in translation if you missed this beat.

That said, Rey and Kylo’s relationship to the force and how they both perceive of each other is the driving beat of the story, right next to Luke’s guilt. Do not miss any of these scenes, even if on a meta-textual level you know it’s going to result in certain shipping corners running wild.

Rey Goes Into The Hole

Here’s the thing about magical destiny trips: they’re usually longer sequences filled with abstract symbolism. Think Luke facing “Vader” on Degobah. You could probably leave the theater during Rey’s first snap in her row of Reys, and return while they’re still all turning their hands.

But come on, the atmosphere! Also this is the protagonist in the middle of her hero’s journey. It’s thematic and junk. I’m not saying I advocate you going into your empty soda cup, but if it’s a choice between that and missing a Scene of Significance™…

Who is that girl she sees?

Medical Ship Destroyed/BB-8 Jailbreak

Let me be clear: if you pee during this scene on your first viewing, you will be confused by DJ. However, if you are reading this, there’s a very good chance you’ve already scene the film, so we’ve got a bit of a catch-22 on our hands.

I also think you should rethink leaving during this scene. For one, the space horse scene that is better to pee during (but I still don’t recommend doing so) is just about to come up. For another, BB-8 is adorable. Finally, the destruction of the medical ship helps further the tension with the inevitable destruction limping closer. Pulling out Rey’s scenes with Luke, The Last Jedi is a wonderful bottle-episode. This is the kind of thing that makes it.

Luke’s 2nd Lesson: Skywalker Guilt

Okay, I feel for you here. It is nearing that halfway point of the movie, and you are no doubt keenly aware of your bladder. You considered making a run for it during the scene beforehand, but you were vaguely curious about the world of Canto Bight, and Rose’s commentary ended up making you stick around until it transitioned into this scene.

I get it, I promise I do. But if Skywalker guilt can’t make you stay in your seat, then you just think about how much the Skywalkers have done for you. You sit there and think about that now. And keep thinking about it until this scene passes and you don’t pee during it.

Poe Yells at Holdo

If you don’t care about inter-Resistance fighting based on differing conceptions of tactics and needs, then you should pee during this scene. However, you really should care about inter-Resistance fighting based on differing conceptions of tactics and needs, because that is what creates the human stakes in this conflict in the first place.

Also it’s what Rogue One forgot to give us, so please enjoy it while it lasts.

You know what you should do instead? Go to a sauna just before seeing the movie. A good dehydration headache is the perfect combination with loud noises and flashing lights.

Rey/Kylo First Force Contact

I guess you could skip this scene and still get what their dynamic is all about in the subsequent force contact scenes? But why would you try and miss the one that sets it up in the first place? I’m pretty sure you only have to go to the bathroom if you let yourself think you have to go, so instead try for some mind over matter. Which will be perfectly aided by this scene, since they’re all forcey about it anyway.

Rose/Finn Canto Bight Establishment

Yeah, why not try to leave the theater when we finally get to a planet that is pretty unique in its culture and role in the conflict? It’s not like Star Wars allows for multiple worldbuilding in ways we haven’t considered before.

You’d still get a good feel for Rose’s character if you peed at the start of this scene. However you’d also risk missing the part where she explains her entire guiding motivation and perspective. Just don’t.

Luke Reaches out to Leia

Oh my god you monster, do you even like Star Wars? The FIRST thing Luke does when he allows himself to connect to the force again is reach out to his sister. COME ON. Why did you even get a drink with your popcorn?

How dare you.


If you’ve made it to the Yoda scene and your bladder really can’t take it anymore, then fine. But you’d also miss the more-or-less retconning of Prequel!Yoda from canon given his behavior here, and that’s always a moral victory. Also this intimately ties into what the future of force-wielders might look like, so, rethink your choices. Especially since Puppet!Yoda is the only Yoda.

First training with Luke and Rey goes “straight to the dark”

Unless you live somewhere that it’s 98 degrees outside and you had to go for a 3 hour bike-ride and properly replenish your fluids, there is no excuse to leave your seat during this scene. This is the essence of Star Wars. It’s not just Luke tickling Rey with a leaf; it’s the force mythos being contextualized by our new, wonderfully compelling main character, with a much beloved mentor giving her the guidance she needs. It’s Toph telling Korra she can learn something from her enemies. Watch this scene.

Rey Sees Luke from Kylo’s Perspective and “There’s still conflict in him”

Sure, relieve yourself during the literal plot of the entire trilogy.

Because honestly, there is no scene during which you should go to the bathroom. Watch this whole movie. And may the force be with you—you’re gonna need it.

Images courtesy of Disney and The CW

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