COME BACK AND ADMIT WHAT YOU DID, BRITNEY SPEARS!!!!
This week’s theme of Jane the Virgin?
Writing on the wall.
Rafael can see it, and asks Luisa for advice on how to get Jane back. If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the first season of Jane, it’s not to listen to Luisa.
Okay, actually, there are lots of other lessons that are more important than not trusting Luisa, but that’s also a pretty big one considering she’s literally the reason for the show having started.
There’s some nice juxtaposition of Jane’s reaction to her realization of Michael being the one for her and Rafael’s reaction. Jane’s worried about Rafael, but clearly cares about both him and Michael as well as Mateo; where Jane’s worried, though, it looks like Rafael is just angry. My first reaction, honestly, is to be glad that Jane’s going to go with Michael. Rafael likes to act like he’s all about Jane and family, but his anger is off-putting. I’m hoping that Jane doesn’t get into trouble for it.
You know who is in trouble? Petra. She agreed to marry Milos to give him a tax shelter, and, despite trying to get out of it in every way possible, she’s stuck— with Britney Spears performing at the wedding. Yep, she’s a guest star here, and Jane is starstruck. So much so that we get another great imagine spot: Britney recruiting her to dance right there in the Marbella lobby.
There’s more trouble, too. Rogelio finds out and is furious because of a big feud he has with Britney: he mentions Gloria Estefan because of their great friendship, but with his over-the-top reaction, it seems like Actual Devil Britney Spears is now one of his greatest enemies.
Understandably, Rafael and Jane can’t believe Petra’s marrying Milos.
Unfortunately, Rafael thinks it’s about getting child support, not about Milos essentially blackmailing Petra.
And he sees the writing on the wall: it’s over with Jane.
Aaaaaaand we have a triple oops: Xiomara has a prior felony conviction, and it might get in the way of her sponsorship for Alba becoming a citizen. Her ex, years ago, stole a ring for Xiomara and, in Florida, that’s a felony, even with community service. Alba’s worried, because immigration laws are always changing (as the show says, “#VOTE #VOTE #VOTE”).
Jane doesn’t even have a chance to unload about it on Michael, because Luisa totally blocks him. What she does get to do, though, is talk to Petra. We get to see Jane’s caring side— Petra may have wronged Jane so much, but she’s better than that and reminds Petra that she saw the aftermath of Milos’ arrival. We get a flashback, even, of Milos’ and Petra’s beginning, of their happiness before her mother began meddling.
That plot is derailed though: Rogelio confronts Britney about the 2009 Latin Pop Music Awards, in which there was a bad teleprompter accident that he swears she started. Her scenes are a riot. All of her flunkies move in time with each other, perfectly in sync, and every time Britney turns her head her hair wooshes.
A commercial break later, we get to see the teleprompter accident: Rogelio reads, via the teleprompter, that he knows nothing about being hot or a celebrity, and Britney rescues him. Given Rogelio’s paranoia, it MUST have been her fault. HER FAULT, YOU GUYS.
So he tries to incite a Twitter war under a not-Rogelio name. And I’m not joking: it literally has “not Rogelio” in the name. Oh lord.
Xiomara and Jane track down Xo’s ex that she took the fall for. Quote: “How’s that baby of yours? [beat] Oh, man! You got hot! Nice!”
It sucks though, because he won’t help Xiomara. He WILL help Jane, though, with a medical marijuana bar. Alba isn’t mad about that or about the shoplifting, though; she’s only mad about the engagement itself. Jane reaches out for help from Michael, and his new partner Susanna is immediately suspicious of his involvement in Mateo’s kidnapping.
Who else does Jane reach out to? Magda, Petra’s mom. She refuses to talk to Rafael about why Petra might be marrying Milos, but she tries to bargain a positive testimony with Jane in exchange for reasons for blackmail… including “Ve vere covering up that I pushed your granny down stairs.” She doesn’t tell her, but reveals that Milos is an internet con artist, and warns Jane to be very vary.
Oh. Wary. Jane gets it now. And she knows how to help Petra: blackmail him in return for being a scam artist. It’s not just because of Mateo, either; Jane admits she cares about Petra enough that she doesn’t want her to have her to do something so dangerous.
You know who I don’t care about, though? Rafael. He tries to win Jane back with a baby book, but when she finally tries to tell him she chooses Michael, he insists Michael is shady and has it out for him. It’s frustrating, and reeks of manipulation. Rafael is making it all about him, not about Jane’s feelings.
And our oops counter is up to four for the episode, too, because just before talking to the district attorney about Xiomara’s felony conviction, Xo and Alba get into the medical marijuana bar. They cancel the meeting, and instead Jane visits Petra, who finally decides to go on with the wedding. She thanks Jane for caring more than Petra believes she deserves, especially when Petra’s being spied on by Milos.
Thanks to Petra, Jane finds out Rogelio is banned from the Marbella, and she confronts Britney: “He betrayed me, like the backstabbing betrayer that he is!”
Rogelio tipped off the paparazzi when Britney was shopping with him in Mexico City. Britney didn’t change the teleprompter on purpose, and their friendship becomes STROOOOONGER THAN YESTERDAAAAAAY— oh crap.
Rafael supposedly reports Michael to his higher-ups about letting Nadine go. It dovetails with Petra about to get married, and all the comedy of the episode deflates as Michael assaults Rafael, and broken glass from it cuts Mateo. When things calm down, Rafael accuses Michael of sowing doubt into his and Jane’s relationship. Honestly, I’m growing to dislike him more and more, and while Michael shouldn’t have assaulted him, Rafael remains centered on himself more than on Jane or Mateo.
But Michael knows when he’s in the wrong. He finds out it wasn’t Rafael, and apologizes immediately to Jane for everything… but it doesn’t matter. Jane needs to think of Mateo first, not of herself, and decides her and Michael won’t work.
Xo and Alba corner Xo’s ex and threaten to ruin his paintings unless he confesses to the ring, so we get some comedy to lighten it… but not for long. Milos is selling grenades, and Susanna confesses she found Michael watching the interviews of who confessed about Nadine.
And when he leaves, disgraced and jobless, he’s held at gunpoint by Nadine herself.
In the words of the Latin Lover Narrator: “This is too stressful. I’m out.”
Image courtesy of The CW