The bad news is you’ve been kidnapped, but the good news is that we will find you, and we will kill you… wait, not YOU, the bad people who’ve taken you.
Let’s start over. Despite your knowledge, martial arts skills, muscle, and brain power, you’ve somehow been taken hostage by an evildoer hellbent on obtaining information you of course will never give up. Fortunately for you, you’ve planned for this situation (like any sane person would have), and have prepared a will of sorts. This “will” contains everything the authorities will need to know about how to successfully rescue you from the villain who now has you in their clutches. Of course, I’m talking about the team you’ve handpicked to rescue you from this horrible predicament you currently find yourself in.
So, what makes up the successful save you from being kidnapped team? There isn’t an exact science to it, but there are some definite things that you need to include. You’ll need:
- A detective, someone to figure out where you are and find you.
- At least 3 fighters, they’ll do the heavy lifting in terms of fighting the villains henchmen and women.
- An escape artist to actually break you out of the prison you’re being kept in.
- A get away driver, duh.
- And a leader to plan the whole thing.
My “I’ve Been Kidnapped Please Come Save Me Will” is incredible, really, it’s terrific.
Before we delve into my team however, I bet you want to know which villain has kidnapped me, necessitating my rescue. Wonder know more because it was Goldenface (from The Office) who has done the deed, motivated by his intense desire to engage in villainy.
For my detective I decided to go with Shawn Spencer from the show Psych. Psych is kind of a modern take on the Sherlock Holmes story. It follows the adventure of fake Psychic Detective Shawn Spencer, and his partner Burton “Gus” Guster (in the Watson role) as they solve crimes for the Santa Barbara Police Department. The two are incredibly successful at solving crimes, and often butt heads with head detective Carlton Lassiter.
Anyway, Shawn is incredibly observant and has an amazing gift for deductive reasoning, which was fostered by his father from a young age. These skills help Gus and Shawn solve crimes, and were able to successfully tangle with thieves, murderers, chop shops, mobsters, spies, and navigate a war between the Yakuza and Triads. Since the two are inseparable, I’m really getting two detectives in one, even though Shawn will be doing most of the heavy lifting. I can count on the two of them to find me, irritate my captors (and everyone on their team too probably), and probably actually rescue me, only to be captured themselves until we’re all saved by the Fighters. As an added bonus, Shawn is an incredible marksman, though he didn’t actually shoot anyone during the course of the show.
For my first fighter, not that the order really matters, I’ve decided to select Gary “Eggsy” Unwin from the movie Kingsman: The Secret Service. By the end of the movie Eggsy is obviously a super spy, but even before that, he knows parkour, he was a gymnastics champion, a royal marine (though he dropped out), and an outstanding driver. He too, is no slouch in terms of intelligence, showing keen reasoning skills, and the ability to plan quickly in dangerous situations. Those are skills that will surely come in handy during my rescue. Plus, at the end of the movie he kills dozens of anonymous henchmen, which is probably the number one skill you need when defeating villains. Additionally, he’s a spy so he could likely get in unseen, though empirical evidence of that is lacking.
My second fighter will be Black Widow from Captain America: Civil War. Now, there’s a reason I’m picking this specific film iteration of Black Widow; it’s because she’s got those electric shock weapons now, the Bites and Batons. So, I still get the bad ass fighting skills she’s displayed throughout the films, but now she can do more than just cock a gun. She could probably infiltrate the prison and rescue me unseen since she’s also a spy, but she’s also a master assassin, and insanely proficient as a hand to hand fighter.
Plus, given her experiences with the Avengers, she’s seen some shit. Nothing will phase her at this point, she’s survived brushes with the Hulk, fought “elite” (you can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes real hard) alien soldiers, defense company security guards, HYDRA, robots, a brainwashed super soldier with a vibranium arm, and probably some other things I’m forgetting. She’s super smart too. She’s displayed the ability to interrogate villains without their knowledge, and she’s been shown to dabble a little bit with hacking. A good all around choice, as you can see.
For my third fighter I wasn’t quite sure who to choose. There were several options that I contemplated, but I finally settled on Achilles from the movie Troy. First of all, and there’s no way around this, Brad Pitt is incredibly handsome, which is a bonus, but in this movie he’s also incredibly deadly. He throws a spear through a mans face, and throws another 630 miles per hour. He kills a bunch of dudes, and is unkillable besides his weak heel, and you know what? We’ll give him something besides sandals and he should be okay. He does have some flaws, most notably that he only really cares about being remembered, and he isn’t really all that loyal to anyone besides himself.
So far I have a modern day Sherlock Holmes and Watson, a novice spy/bad ass, an expert spy, and an incredible warrior. Now, I have to pick out an escape artist, a get away driver and a leader to ensure my team is able to save me from the kidnappers.
The Escape Artist
This was maybe the hardest of my saviors for me to pick. I couldn’t really think of any escape artists that could set me free. Eventually, I settled on John Patrick Mason, Sean Connery’s character from The Rock. He escaped Alcatraz once, he’s a former British Spy (possibly James Bond according to some fan theories). Plus, he’s still good at throwing down in case he gets caught infiltrating the building or we get caught during the escape.
The Get Away Driver
The get away driver is maybe the most important aspect of any successful escape. They have to be a talented driver, know when to slow down, and be able to think on their feet. I decided then, that I need the best possible choice. Some drivers are good, but only one floats like a cadillac and stings like a beamer. That’s the one I want as my driver. Of course I am referring to the one and only Lightning McQueen. I can’t think of anyone better at driving than an actual car. This is the greatest racing car driver of all time. He’s got the speed, he’s learned about life, he’s got friends and a girl friend on the other side to come home to. He’s the best driver out there, and he’s my pick to get the crew home safe.
Any team is only as good as its leader, and this team has a very important purpose (saving my life), and thus must have the greatest possible leader. Of course, I knew exactly who to pick. I may have struggled with some other picks, but this one was really easy for me. The leader of my team will be none other than the immortal Benjamin Franklin Gates from National Treasure.
He’s smart, a great planner, and knows how to manage egos. He’s survived plenty of brushes with death and is great at thinking on his feet. He found a lost ship, stole the Declaration of Independence, found the lost treasure, kidnapped the President of the United States (kind of), broke into Buckingham Palace to sit at the Queen’s desk, and found the lost city of El Dorado. Given all that, I really think he’d be capable of planning my escape given the incredible team I’ve put together for him.
So there we have it, there’s no reason to worry about being kidnapped if you have the proper will in place. So what’d you think of my team? Do you think they’d be able to successfully save my life?
Be sure to let me know in the comments, and also discuss your own “I’ve Been Kidnapped Please Come Save Me Will” too.