Fellas, there’s just too many women in space. Asian women, brunette women, middle-aged women, purple-haired women, little orange grandmas. Back in the good old days of sci-fi, you knew where you stood. Men were real men, women were real props, and little furry creatures from Endor were little furry creatures from Endor. But that’s all changed now. There’s no room for the white men anymore. And despite the very serious and not at all childish outrage over Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi, the monsters at Lucasfilm have decided to add yet another woman to Star Wars, robbing bread from the mouth of the underprivileged white, cis male and making our space wizard laser battles too unrealistic to watch. According to Variety, JJ Abrams has ruined his sterling reputation as a hero of the resistance by eyeing Keri Russell for a new role in the upcoming Episode IX.
Russell, who has previously ruined films like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes with her gender, was on a list of actresses wrongly considered for the role. Eventually, the “executives” at Lucasfilm decided to begin talks with Russell just before July 4th after several meetings with their prospective actresses. The role is reportedly “action heavy,” something women can’t do even though Russell has tried her best to do “stunts” in shows like The Americans (where she won an Emmy, probably for being super hot or something), and the aforementioned Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Russell has previously worked with Abrams, who is writing and directing Episode IX, on Mission Impossible III, where she filled a woman’s natural role as damsel to be rescued by strapping white hero Tom Cruise.
While they’re still in early talks with Russell for the role, her experience with Abrams and the attractiveness of a role in Star Wars means there’s a very good chance she’ll take the part. Abrams will have to cast two more roles for the film as well, roles which will hopefully make the cast more realistic by adding more white men. Abrams, of course, took over from creative genius Colin Trevorrow after “creative differences” with the fools running Lucasfilm caused a split. Production begins on Star Wars: Episode IX later this month and will release May of next year.
I have my ticket pre-ordered. That’ll show ’em.